Inside My Head

I am gradually disappearing. No not physically, not yet, although you tell me that I will soon. This does not scare me. To be invisible will be pure power and control. There is no preventing thins. There is no hope. No twinkle in my dull eyes. No spring in my step. I am defeated. I am withering slowly. I will be blown with the bitter wind, like a crisp leaf fallen from the tenacious grip of a branch. I will be scattered about the earth, free from the limits of my body. My world slows, days stretch out in front of me, hours much longer than sixty minutes. Time is measured by the number of bites, of meals- or nonmeals. My stomach contracts inside me, my body empty, living on pure adrenaline. I miss this feeling. I am toying with the idea of closing the door and turning away. I allow myself to push a little farther before stopping. Because I cant go back. Oh no, I shake my head, I am “recovering.” But subtle uncertainties slowly creep back. Enticing me with the flutter of starvation. That dizzy unclear head, living in a blissful fog. I am entertaining the idea of life. But my smile becomes a smirk. My breath quickens in my chest. My eyes dull and I become numb. I am enjoying the thrill of fading away.