A Clown Story

Tube socks on the ironing board. That's the first thing he saw when he got up. His wife was standing at the sink, gazing out the window.

"Honey? Any reason you're ironing my socks?" he asked.

She turned to face him and he jumped. Her face! It was painted like a clown!!

Instead of replying, she squeaked her nose at him (it was made of red foam). Then she gestured out the kitchen window.

That was when he noticed their back yard. A crowd of clowns were cavorting about. Some were throwing pies at each other. One was dressed like an overgrown baby and its "mother" was spanking it with a huge carp.

He stood there with his mouth agape. A clown with giant sunglasses unicycled past, juggling teacups and turnips.

His wife hugged him, looking strangely happy. She smiled fondly at the scene in the yard. So he did the only thing he knew.

He picked up the phone book and thumbed through it.

On the second ring, a bored woman's voice answered. "Owen's Pest Removal, how may I help you?"

He sighed, glancing over at his wife.

"My name is Roger Stover and I need someone to come over to remove an infestation."

"Roaches?"

"No."

"Mice?"

"No."

"Llamas?"

"No. Worse. Clowns."

He heard the woman gasp involuntarily.

"I'll send one of the guys right over, sir!" The bored drawl dropped quickly from her voice. She took down his address and they hung up.

Roger went back over to where his wife stood at the ironing board. She had started to press an oven mitt.

He gently removed the can of spray starch from her gloved hand.

She replied by squirting him with the flower on her collar.

"Now, honey. I know you're not yourself right now. Just try to contain your urges until the exterminator arrives", he said as he dried off his face.

Upon hearing exterminator, her eyes grew wide for a moment. Then she bolted out the kitchen door.

From the window, he watched her turning cartwheels across the lawn before she rolled into a clown wearing a neon green tutu. They started to duel with waffles. It was all he could do to stop himself from chasing after her.

"Oh, Mimi!" he groaned.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"Hello, I'm Randy from Owen's Pest Removal. Did somebody call about a clown infestation?" The young guy in the blue jumpsuit looked like he'd barely graduated high school.

"Yes, that was me. Come on, they're all in my back yard." Roger led the way through the house.

They stood for a moment on the sill of the back door, watching all the clown mayhem. Randy shuddered nervously, then hoisted his sprayer into position and proceeded into the chaos.

The first clown he hit immediately fell to the ground, twitching spasmodically. A change came over his face and suddenly he no longer looked like a member of the circus. He lay there for a minute or two before he got back up.

"Oh. Hi, Roger", he said. "Some infestation, eh?"

"Yeah, sure is, Mike. Never seen one like this before. How's Suzanne these days?"

They chatted amiably, like the neighbors they were, while Randy made his circuit of the yard. Soon all the clowns had gone, being replaced with the normal, mundane people they really were.

The crowd dispersed as Randy made his way back to Roger and his non-clown wife.

"Think I found the cause of it all." He held up something pinched between his latex-gloved fingers. "I believe this started all your troubles."

Roger stared. His throat suddenly went dry.

Mimi frowned at the young exterminator. Her voice was terse, "Get rid of it. NOW."

Randy just shrugged and dropped the rubber chicken into one of his biohazard bags.

"Well, that's it. We'll bill you for the total amount. Don't hesitate to call us again though. We're here to help", he said cheerfully as he headed back to his truck.

Roger hugged Mimi close.

"We were lucky, weren't we?" she asked against his chest.

"Yes, we were. It could have been much worse. It could have been...."

He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Mimes?" she supplied.

His only reply was to embrace her tighter. He didn't even want to consider those horrors.