Wanted: Fifth Horseman

DEATH

Thank you for attending this interview at such short notice. The chap we had lined up took rather ill.

WENDY

I can empathise -- our house is only just shaking off the latest flu virus. To be honest, I'm surprised you didn't offer me the job when I first applied. My qualifications speak for themselves.

DEATH

Yes, your qualifications are superb. It was the question of the company vehicle which threw a spanner in the works.

WENDY

It is the one point that I refuse to waive on. If you want me, then we'll need to discuss an alternative to horse power.

DEATH

That does seem to be a sticking point. Are you sure you are allergic to horses?

WENDY

I only have to be in the same field as them and I break out in hives.

DEATH

erm, the horse comes with the job.

WENDY

You're not discriminating against me on medical grounds, are you?

DEATH

I wouldn't dream of it, but this role does demand some degree of contact with equines.

WENDY

I've read the personal specification sheet and job description, and there isn't a single thing on there that can't be done without a horse.

DEATH

I beg to differ. Armageddon is this department's big moment, and come the Apocalypse everyone will expect horses. Have you tried anti-histamines?

WENDY

They give me the shits.

DEATH

Ah.

WENDY

Look -- I have a degree in medicine and research papers published in world renowned journals. Are you really telling me that you are going to overlook my obvious skills and abilities because beasts of burden make me ill?

DEATH

A horse is hardly a beast of burden.

WENDY

Unless you lose the horse as part of this package, you lose me as a Horseman.

DEATH

That would create a paradox.

WENDY

I don't do creation. I'm here for the Apocalyptic post.

DEATH

Then what do you suggest you ride?

WENDY

I love the new Mini! I could have one of those.

DEATH

Four horsemen and . . . a Mini car driver. It does not have a ring to it. How about we keep the horse, but you could ride out in a chariot?

WENDY

Air con as standard?

DEATH

There may be a natural draft.

WENDY

No. I can't be down wind of a horse's behind. I need a sealed chariot.

DEATH

I am sorry to have wasted your time, WENDY. It looks as if we'll be giving the post of 'Diseased Horseman' to the young man with the skin complaints -- just as soon as he gets a note from the doctor to say it's not contagious.

WENDY

What! You're going to dismiss my application because of that?

DEATH

Good gracious, no! When you arrived, the other lads pointed out that you are a female of the species. I can't hire a woman as a horseman. I cannot cancel judgment day just because you got a period, or something. Thanks for coming, though, and good luck with your future career.

(500 words)