Jimmy the Scammer

WC 448

Jimmy the Scammer

By Jack Rawlins

“Is this going to take long, Mr. Swahootza?”

“Maybe less time than most job interviews, Mr. Scammer. And my name is Swartz, not Swahootza.”

“Good. I’d like to make the first race at Pimlico this afternoon. So before you start with your inquisition, why don’t you give me the skinny on your benefits package—personal days off, vacation, sick time, expense money, retirement program, and what kind of bonus I can expect for the big contribution I will make to this stodgy old outfit that obviously needs me desperately—and of course the numbers of my generous starting salary?”

“Scammer—is that your real name?”

“You’ve got my resume right in front of you. What does it say?”

“It says, ‘Jimmy the Scammer.’ ”

“It’s James T. Scammer. The ‘Jimmy the’ part was added to show I have a great sense of humor. The NYPD gave me that alias after a little misunderstanding I had with a rich widow.”

“Mr. Scammer, we are stock brokers; image is important in this business.”

“Well, Mr. Swahootza, you’d never know it from that outfit you’re wearing. Where’d you get it? A Good Will store or a dumpster?”

“I beg your pardon. If you think—“

“Only kidding. Only kidding. Like I said, I have a great sense of humor. I think a great sense of humor is a big asset in big business.”

“Yes, you really are a funny guy…incredibly funny. And the name is Swartz, if you can remember.

“Your application says you matriculated at Harvard. I checked and they have no record of you at Harvard.”

“Look, pal. I said I matriculated. I didn’t say I graduated. I signed up but then a big deal came along before the first semester. It wasn’t my kid, but I wanted to do the right thing.”

“I know what matriculate means, Mr. Scammer. You weren’t trying to mislead me about your education?”

“Hey, would I try to con and old con like you? Hell no!”

“Mr. Scammer, I checked all your references. Unfortunately, none could be located.”

“Well, that’s what happens with the upwardly mobile. They move a lot, or get sent away.”

“Mr. Scammer, if you joined our company, where would you like to be in five years?”

“CEO!”

“You would expect to be our Chief Executive Officer in five years?”

“Absolutely!”

“Mr. Scammer, you do have a great sense of humor. I’d like to hire you just so I could
have a good laugh when I fire your stupid ass.

“Good day. I hope you don’t miss your horse race. “

“Does this mean I’ve got the job?”

“We’ll let you know, Jimmy.”

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