is this a dream?

my mind is racing. thoughts are just running around and have no where to go. im so tired. im moving but it feels as if my feet are stuck in the same spot. im feeling... but its the same feeling that ive felt forever. im so angry and i dont even know why. im in soo much pain and im hurting so bad. and i dont know why. i dont know what to say... at times i just wish i wouldnt say anything at all. keep all thoughts to myself. and just be mute. so i wouldnt hurt anyone. i feel so much pain. pain from other people. and maybe thats why i hurt so bad. because i just want for them to be happy. when really im taking their pain and putting it on myself. i keep telling myself i want to give up. just give up. but for some reason something keeps pulling me back. i dont know what it is. is it a future, a happy life, or something that will just make me smile. i write all the time... but when i read it it just doesnt sound right. its as if something is missing. something i cant put down on paper. something that only i can feel but its a secret or something. maybe its something ill figure out later in life. and im a thinker soo ill analyze everything over and over again. what could it be? what am i missing. and i think well im missing happiness. im missing someone to listen to me. but those aren't right. because on occasions i do feel happy. and once in awhile someone does listen. soo ill just keep analyzing over and over again but i dont get it right. and it might seem as if... ohh heres another depressed girl just trying to get attention. but its not like that. i can't figure it out. im so stuck. things just keep on changing and i keep rewinding back to the same spot.