A mess of my making.

Bessie
I loved
subjective
what's love to one who has
what's love to one left
a source of strength?
a source of
inappropriateness

never wanted to upset
hurt
change
annoy
blame
just wanted it to stop
never wanted drama
what is drama if not the lack of control
sorry to say
couldn't control my own thoughts
just wanted it to stop

stopped when we met
thought it was you
your attraction
a shot of self esteem
cleared my mind
so tall
strong
would have done anything

then it came back

tried
many things
but didn't know what was wrong
didn't understand
anything
no clarity
no peace
came to you at every failure
hoping for respite
but didn't trust you
had to explain
yet didn't understand
didn't trust you
thought you were laughing
telling everyone
hating
ridiculing
maybe if you understood
you might make me tall again

maybe if I did

took so long to figure out
see the paths
past to present
seeds planted long ago
so rooted
now repotted
sorry it took so long

Never wanted to upset
hurt
change
annoy
blame
just wanted it to stop

did nothing wrong
didn't cause me pain
treated me fairly
let me experience
life with self esteem
a new world
much better
for which I am grateful
and always will be

yes
twisted
should exist internal
not by virtue of someone external
but that transition
from child to adult
was interrupted

I take responsibility
from you
any pain i caused
give it to me
it is my burden
you did nothing wrong and i love you.