Santa Wants a New Job

WC 481

Santa Wants a New Job

By Jack Rawlins

“Ah, Mr. Santa Claus… May I call you Santa?”

“Yeah… Yeah. Santa, Kris Kringle, St. Nick, whatever.”

“Santa, you sound bitter. Do you have an attitude problem?”

“Look, Mr. Stoopnagle, I’m not the one with an attitude; it’s society.”

“How did you know my name, Kris? May I call you Kris?”

‘No. Not without adding the Kringle. It’s Kris Kringle; got that? And I know your name because of that ostentatious brass billboard on your desk right there with the six inch letters. It says ‘Mr. Samuel B. Stoopnagle, Employment Counselor.’ “

“Of course, Saint. May I call you Saint?”

“No. Not without adding the Nicholas. It’s St. Nicholas; got that?”

“Well, Santa’s in a touchy mood today; isn’t he? I’m just trying to make you feel at ease. ”

“Not necessary, Stoopie. I am at ease. I just want you to find me a job.”

“Of course, Mr. Clause. That’s why you’re here and that’s what I do: help people find jobs. Why do you want to change jobs?”

“Do you really want to know, or are you just making small talk?”

“Wow! For a guy who’s supposed to be jolly, you sure have a chip on your shoulder. Why are you so grumpy?”

“Burnout, that’s why. And you know what else? I’m sick of being jolly. Too much strain. Nobody’s nice all the time. “

“Well, I’m here to help you. But you’ve got to cooperate. It would be nice if you could be pleasant while we chat.”

“Look, pal. I didn’t come here to chat. I came here for a job.”

“Mr. Clause, we don’t actually hire people; we counsel people to help them find jobs.”

“Okay. So counsel me.”

“First, I suggest you change your attitude.”

“Stoopie, first people have to change theirs! Mythology is out. Skepticism is in. It’s become more blessed to receive than to give. Everybody wants more stuff than I can carry. The animal rights people are hassling me about my reindeer. The union wants to organize my elves. Mrs. Clause hates the cold.

"And nobody writes letters any more. Instead, I get emails about what will happen if I don’t deliver the goods. Instead of cookies and milk, people leave tofu and alfalfa sprouts. The gun control people want me to stop delivering toy weapons. The Heart Association wants me to lose 40 pounds."

“Santa, you only work one day a year. You have more time off than teachers. What kind of job do you want?”

"Anything to keep me out of dirty chimneys. Anything where I don’t have to be nice all the time. Anything that won’t take more than one day of my time.”

“How about letting down the big ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve? Could you handle that?”

“Yes, if I don’t have to put it back.”

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