The Santa Claus Manifesto

Disclaimer: This article is meant purely as a comedic article, and in no way reflects my actual views of Santa Claus, the Russians, or Communists. All views and evidence given to support my essay are purely coincedental, accidental, and hilarious. Please do not be offended by the content within this article. Thank you and please enjoy, THE SANTA CLAUS MANIFESTO.



Who is jolly old Santa Claus? He is supposedly a kindly old man who goes around the world in one night and gives little kids presents. What a nice guy you might think. However he in reality may actually be a brainwashing communist in advanced Russian technology. In the following essay I’m going to show in no uncertain terms how kindly Chris Cringle is really a communist with evil, satanic purposes.

First reason is of course is his name, Santa Claus. A simple transposition code explains his first name.

Santa----Sa---ta---n. Satan. And the second half of his name is phonetic. Claus---Claws.

So in actuality/theoretically he is named Satan Claws. In fact, the codename of the operation may very well be Satan's Claws. This is proof number 1 that I give you to prove Santa is evil

Second, we look at his outfit and general appearance. To quote: A jolly old man with a red nose, large belly, and a red and white suit. To quote a history of Santa Claus: The description of Santa Claus matches to a great extent with the Russian character of Ded Moroz.

So now we have multiple proofs of his Russian leanings. His red suit, communist colors beyond all doubt, second his red, ruddy nose, evidence of extensive alcohol use. Now how does this relate him to Russia? Well in Russia a common present when visiting a friend is a strong vodka, and in some beliefs almost a mandatory thing. And thirdly his close resembalance to Ded Moroz, a Russian character.

He is also associated with communism in his giving to all their equal presents, though he seems to have laxed his communist standards slightly, as he gives a non equal present to "bad" children. This is evidenced by the fact that he gives presents to everyone, even "bad" kids, in the form of coal.

Thirdly we look at his actions and beliefs.

"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sakes." This is clearly referencing his spying habits and authoritarian montioring of citizens merely to control their actions. Why should we be good for goodness sakes, unless we're threatened by violence from the Russians?

What defines good? Here's a list of Santa's checklist of what defines a "good" kid.

1. Following orders from authorities.
2. Being clean and orderly.
3. Sharing and being polite.
4. Not trusting strangers
5. Doing all work. (having a good work ethic)

These seem strangley similar to the Communist beliefs of a well run society. So Santa rewards those who follow his doctorines.

Second to last on the note of his actions is his sleigh. Clearly this is advanced Russian technology that their government teases in front of us.

The supposed reindeer are obviously the names of either the engines, the seperate sleighs, (which would indicate multiple Santanian operatives), or simply put, a bald faced lie.

And finally he gives out presents. Yes, they might be what the kids want, but they were produced by Santa's "Elves", which could very well be a method of brainwashing. The toys may have a special brainwashing power over the children, or the mere fact of giving children toys for no cost could in effect be used to hold either a guilty effect over them, or in gaining their trust.

I leave you with a final thing to ponder, or until the next installment of The Santa Manifesto.

Santa comes on 12/24.

1+2=3 2+4=6 So in effect it becomes: 3/6.

Three sixes, 666. The sign of the beast.

Good bye for now folks.