"Within You, Without You"

                                                Within You, Without You “

  That cold, crisp, Christmas Eve in Fairmount Park outside Philadelphia is a night I will never forget. The small bridge over the raceway; an over flow creek running parallel to the river, was illuminated by the gas streetlights that lined the walkway. The light reflected off the ice covering the creek and sparkled with the fresh fallen snowflakes that fell and quickly floated across the surface. The night air was magical as I looked out across the Schuylkill River toward the old stone railroad bridge that spanned.

  She had a hurried walk with short quick steps, head directed toward the ground to assure her path. Soft brown hair parted to reveal a matching pair of brown eyes to complete the package, led by a silly looking Jack Russell named Sam. No doubt without a leash to secure him, he would surely have ended up in the river. My chivalry in turn would have caused me to brave the chilled waters in an effort to save him and win the heart of my unexpected visitor. Fortunately, no such effort was necessary.

  I think I could have stood motionless without voice, and the angels in heaven would have done the rest. She was everything I had ever wanted, and of this I was sure. The dog for his part dragged her to my position, as if he knew that I had been waiting for her, and in some ways I had been all my life.

  As she approached I said hello and without much effort she seemed to light up the night.
  “Beautiful night, isn’t it?”
  “Yes it is.” Her gaze paused for a second or two to study my face.
  “That’s some dog you have there.” I smiled and then looked toward the dog.
  “Yes, Sam is a hand full.” She admired him for a moment, and then me again.

  I found that if there were right words to say at this particular time, they escaped me, now being lost in her eyes and smile. I was both present and somewhere else at the same time.
  “Do you come here often?” I laughed almost before finishing the sentence and she followed suit, both knowing that it was so cliché.
  “You know what I mean.” We both laughed again as eyes settled on each other.
It was an instant connection.

You might as well say that I knew from that very moment on. The rest was pure magic.
After what seemed like hours, without notice of the chilling temperature, we exchanged phone numbers and said goodbye. My short but sweet life with Jo had begun. As it turned out, we were two lonely people who seemed destined to meet that night.






  After several months together, I was madly in love with her and wanted ever so much more of her time and attention. Her job was demanding at times and some weekends took her away from me. I missed her but never thought much about it until one weekend she announced that she was going to New York with an old girlfriend. I felt as if we should have spent that free time together.

  I had not heard a word from her all weekend, and on here return I was a bit cold. But I had not asked the right questions, with the right tone, at the right time; if you understand my meaning. Her reactions that followed I did not understand. A few simple words should have settled the thing, but instead she became defensive. None the less, the damage was done and she began pulling away until a few weeks later there was nothing.

  To this very day I still do not understand why things snowballed out of control or why the love of my life was now gone. It ended as quickly as it had begun. I tried calling, e mailing, and even wrote letters, but nothing in a way of a response. Phone calls to her office went to voice message, and letters went to somewhere in this universe where it never returns. It made no sense at all. I mean, no one just ends a relationship over a misunderstanding do they? You just don’t go from, “I love you”, to nothing. And wanting to spend more time together surely wasn’t reason to fight over. Some of my friends ventured the idea that she might have found someone else. That was of course an idea that I didn’t want to think about, even if it was a possibility.

  I anguished as days turned to weeks and weeks into months, until I find my self here, exactly one year to the day, later. Same cool crisp night air and the same bridge where we once stood. I was alone again. I had sent her one last letter. It was my way of trying to let go I think. Not that I wanted to at all, but with no reply, no answers, I felt as if I had no choice. The letter I sent read as follows:

  Dear Jo,

  You are the very love of my life. I still believe everything about you sweetie. I do not know why or how it came to this or what I have done so wrong. If it is someone else, please just tell me and I will try to understand. But for the life of me this all makes no sense at all honey. I am confused to say the least and feel worthless and lost. You see it is not often that someone so special comes into your life. Someone who makes such an impact on them and they feel a deep love that inside I know will never come around again. So on Wednesday night, I will go back to the spot where we first met and I will wait until midnight to see if you come. There is where I believe God sent you into my life. It was there that I felt my heart go to you. I can’t always find the right words to say, but I do know that I love you like I have never loved anyone before. Come back to me Jo; if not forever then just for one last time. Let me hold you in my arms and kiss you. Look into your eyes one more time and tell you that I love you more then anything. If you look into my eyes you will see the truth. I am asking this because I was once, so much within you and now I am without you.
                                                                      Love Me

  I heaved a snowball at the gas street light that lined the walkways of the park. But it missed and went sliding across the ice on the small creek that runs parallel to the river. It tumbled and tumbled smaller just as my hopes were rolling away. Finally it found rest as my teary eyes fixed on it. I became lost in thought until I finally closed my eyes and asked God one final time to bring me an answer. I had been so sincere before and felt sure my prayers were heard. But too much time had gone by now and all hope seemed gone. Opening my eyes I looked toward the river, obscured by the glare of the lights, then heavenward as if an answer floated somewhere above my head, just out of view.

  My steps were not as hurried with eyes fixed toward the ground searching for an answer or something lost. It was then, some distance away from the bridge where we met, I heard a faint voice. Halfheartedly I turned and saw a small figure alone, struggling with their footsteps but in a hurry. I turned to continue my path off into the unknown.

  “Wait! Please wait!”
  I knew that voice, but I couldn’t be could it?
  “Jo? Is that you?” In disbelief I tried to focus through the glare of the gas street lights and the snow flakes that now steadily fell.
  “Please don’t go, please!”

  Time stood still once again that Christmas Eve. I could not believe what my eyes were telling my mind. It was not quiet the Jo I remembered, something was not right. My heart raced more then ever as it became clear to me. She jumped into my arms just about the time my heart burst with joy, and I held on for dear life, afraid she would slip away. My bear hug gave way to look her in the eyes. Yes it was her. There was no mistaking those brown eyes and smile.

  “Jo, I am sorry, I don’t know what I did so wrong, but I am sorry for whatever it is. I love you so much and miss you.”
  “Shush.” She placed her finger across the opening of my mouth and followed it with a kiss.
  “I though you didn’t trust me and I got mad.” Her voice was unsteady and hurried as if trying to explain everything in an instance.
  “But what has happened to you?” Her face had evident scars, but how?
  “Shortly after we had that fight, I was out walking Sam. He broke off the leash and I chased after him for half of a block, when he made for the street. There was a car coming and I jumped to grab him out of the way. That is when everything went dark. I woke up almost two months later, coming out of the coma the accident left me in. I had no idea why or how I ended up in the hospital, nor could I remember who I was.

  “God Jo, I had no idea. I thought that you did not want me any more!”



  “Oh no honey, you are wrong about that. When I finally was released from the hospital, I found the letters and the messages you had left. But the last letter was post marked in October and I thought that you had moved on, because there were no more messages. Besides look at me, I am not the same woman that you met. I felt that I was not pretty any more and not good enough, that you would not want me because I am crippled now and not beautiful. You always told me how beautiful I was. Now look at me!” Fresh tears appeared.

  “Don’t cry Jo, I love you.”
  “When I got the letter this afternoon I realized that this was going to be your last letter and that you did not know. So I came to see if you would still want me. I am so sorry.”

  “Jo, you are the love of my life, and when I found you, I found everything that I ever wanted in a woman. I just had no idea there was something else going on here. I do trust you and I do not care if you have scars, or if you were sick or crippled. Beauty is something that is inside you. It is that beauty that I am so attracted to Jo. The very essence of you is what I love so much and what I want. Please forgive me for not trying harder to find out what really happened!”

  We kissed for the longest time and stared into each others eyes. It was as if she had never left. The train whistle blew as it made its way across the stone bridge over the river. Snow fell upon our teary eyelids and faces, as memories of such tender moments we shared in the past, filled our hearts again. I held her tight like a bear, yet gently as a butterfly, so as not to harm this precious gift God returned to me.

  “Don’t ever leave me Jo; you are my whole world, my very heartbeat.”
  “I won’t, I love you so much. I am so glad you were here.”
  “Don’t thank me Jo; thank the one who hears our prayers.

  Word count 1994