If I'd Known How To Save A Life

Had I known how
to save a life,
I would have saved yours,
that most quiet of night
when feather and leaf
define stillness.and only
angels brush near us.

If I had thought ahead,
I would have known,
how to save you from the past;
a battered dive into
rowdy childhood,
raging hatred of yourself -
unbelonging, believing
“I am less than” -
no more a smudge on the world.

How I would have made it different,
those seconds spent in self destruction,
those days of despair.
Perhaps they could have been contained,
delayed, erased.

You would have known
that you are loved,
a part – family.

If I'd known how to save a life,
dreams, light, lilacs in California
would  have emboldened you,
love of self would be o.k.,
and that last confession would
have been less scary.

If only -
I had stayed with you
throughout the night,
been awake and by your side,
vigilant until the last,
instead of sleeping.

If I had stayed with you all night.
If I had  known how to save a life