The Joys and Dangers of Vampirism

Chronicler's Note:  The following incomplete text was recovered from a royal crypt in France and translated into modern English by Dr. Richard P. Delaware.  The University makes no claims as to the veracity of the material, only its location of discovery and the accuracy of the doctor's translation.  Further inquiry, including curator requests, should be directed to the Antiquities Department.

The Joys and Dangers of Vampirism--A New Vampire's Guide
by Sara King

Introduction to Vampirism 

If you are reading this, it is because you've become a vampire, either by choice or by chance.  You were probably provided this manual by whoever bit you, or perchance came across it in your thirst to discover who you are.  Either way, this manual will likely save your life.  Read on, initiate.  And remember, once read, pass on this text or burn it.  To keep it with you is to risk a second grave. 

Part One - Dangers

In light of past events, I thought I'd introduce this part first, since the years in which I published the Joys section first, all of the inductees became so excited upon reading the Pot of Gold section that they didn't bother to read the following Leprechaun section and all subsequently perished in the peat bogs of Ireland.  So, as a cautionary note, it is in your best interest to read the entire text.  Your life may depend upon it.

Section 1 - The Sun

By all means, expose yourself to it.  The mortals could use one less moron to feed.

Section 2 - Ice

One of the most common mistakes ordinary mortals make when labeling vampires is their persistent myth that our kind thrive in cold climates.  Frankly, this author cares little for what the ordinary mortals might think of us, as any misinformation on their part is commonly to our benefit, but unfortunately this is one myth that causes us more sorrow than relief.  The problems begin when new vampires, scared and disoriented, desperate for any safe harbor, flee to the polar extremes in their own ignorance.  These polar extremes often bring with them temperatures of twenty, forty, even sixty degrees below zero.  For those of you who are still thinking about moving to the North, I have one question for you:  When you tie your finger to a cube of ice, what happens first?  Does the ice melt or does your finger grow stiff?  I'll answer it for you.  Your finger--if not warmed up--will likely fall off.  Now apply that same concept to the North.  Have you ever seen what happens to dead things in negative forty degree weather?  Do not underestimate the horror of being a helpless block of ice for eight months while your hunger drives your mind to rot.  Afterward, those that survive the sun and scavengers will often wake up with the same mental acuity of a garden snail.  You've been warned.

Section 3 - Garlic

Yes, it stinks.  Not only does it stink, but it burns.  And, if left untreated, it kills.  A single clove of garlic might as well be a gallon of cyanide to creatures of our persuasions.  My advice on garlic is simple:  Avoid it.

Section 4 - Running Water

Have you ever been naked, staked through the heart, hands and feet bound together, garlic around your severed neck, head crammed between your buttocks, your body trapped inside a box that happens to be tumbling down a mountainside in pitch blackness?  I have.  I've also crossed a stream with a Duke's hounds in pursuit, and, given the choice, I'd take the mountainside.  If you must cross a river or stream, it should be on a soil-covered bridge or ramp, never by boat. 

Section 5 - Stakes

Yes, they hurt, but they're pretty ineffective unless you take one through the eye.  In fact, if you ever find yourself beseiged by forces you cannot escape, a good course of action is to allow your attackers to stake you in the chest.  Beg, scream, struggle all you want, but the moment the stake enters your heart, play dead.  Pulling a stake from your chest isn't exactly like plucking a rogue chest hair, yet it's much more pleasant than trying to stitch your head back into place.  Chances are, if the act was convincing enough, the already terrified mortals will see the motionless vampire laying in his casket, nail a hasty lid on it, slap their sweaty backs in congratulations, and hurry home to celebrate over mugs of ale and wine.  If the pain gets to be too much to bear, just keep in mind that you can eat them later. 

Section 6 - Grave Dust

Those of you who carried crippling phobias in your first life take heart--you still won't have the faintest inkling of the kind of terror invoked by even a pinch of this distasteful element.  Nothing but sunlight will bring a vampire to his knees faster.  (It actually makes for quite a delightful drinking game.  Just make sure you do it between good friends who have all been warned beforehand.)  There's nothing mystical about the fear--it seems to evolve organically, from the moment the new vampire awakes.  In fact, I have yet to find a vampire not terrified of the stuff, regardless of whether or not they had ever been buried.  Unfortunately, the wise mortal will use this wretched substance to paralyze an unsuspecting vampire while he puts an end to him.  It is with that in mind that I suggest a vampire sleep with an unstoppered vial of it in his casket so that he becomes accustomed enough to the smell that he is not reduced to a quivering mass when it comes time to wring a mortal's neck.

Section 7 - Crosses

If you have lived this long without coming across an image of the Crucifix, you aren't killing enough Christians.  But be warned, the very sight will leave you blind and weak for a day to several weeks, depending upon your age.  Even with my great age, I continue to find my vision blurred for a hour and a half after viewing the holy image.  It should be self-evident that this leaves the affected vampire susceptible to attack in the interim.  My remedy?  Kill every fool that enters your territory carrying the symbol.  Eventually, they will get the point.

Section 8 - Other Vampires

Even I have been known to destroy an interloper if not properly announced (or, now that I think of it, if not properly bathed...).  Unannounced visits on any vampire are neither wise nor appreciated.  If you must pass through the territory of a strange vampire, make it very clear you mean no ill.  However, as a backup, bring grave dust and a garlic-laced dagger.

Section 9 - The Fey

In general, they are harmless.  Most vampires even find it an enjoyable pasttime to crunch their irritating bones between our fingers.  However, Leprechauns have a very specific--and very deadly--toxin that they constantly excrete through their skin.  Though we have captured and dissected several of these creatures, our best guess is that the clover leaves that the savages ingest somehow contribute to this fast-acting poison.  While this poison has no effect on humans, to a vampire, a single brush of a Leprechaun's finger leads to paralysis, full-body seizures, unsightly white foam, and ultimate death.  Be forewarned, the vampire's ability to sense the end of a rainbow--and hence the location of its Pot of Gold--has to do more with an evolutionary need to protect ourselves from the Pot's little green guardians, rather than a means to increase the contents of our vaults.

Section 10 - Fire

Obviously, the dead cannot walk if their body consists of a pile of fluffy white ash.  Burning is one of the most surefire ways that a vampire will never again see the light of the moon.  There are only two ways to avoid death after sustaining bad burns.  The first is to capture and eat as many mortals as possible.  Such blood-crazes are famous throughout history, and are the stuff behind many peasant legends.  However, while such rampages are extremely entertaining, I do not suggest this method, as it brings unwanted attention upon the afflicted.  Instead, I propose another method, one which--

Note from Dr. Richard P. Delaware:  This concludes the recovered text.  The remnants of the second half of the volume were too tattered and vermin-ridden to translate further.  As an interesting study on the medieval beliefs regarding vampirism, we can only hope that a second volume is recovered to complete the first.

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com/blog