Uncle Charlie's Bentley

WC 500

Uncle Charlie’s Bentley

By Jack Rawlins

“I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget, wiseass!”

“What are you going to do, Uncle Charlie; Spank me?”

“You always have a smart answer, Teddy; but I’ve had enough of your bullshit.”

“Oh you say that to all your nephews, Uncle. I’m twenty-five years old. You’ve already taught me everything you know—and that’s not much. Besides, you’re overreacting. So I dented your precious Bentley a little.”

“You ungrateful little turd! You totaled my car, for crap’s sake! I’m overreacting? You pulverized a $350,000 automobile and you say I’m overreacting? You are unbelievable.”

“Your insurance will cover it.”

“Teddy, Teddy, Teddy… Have you no sense of intrinsic value? It’s not the money. Yes, insurance will replace her, but it will not be the same Bentley, my gem, my one concession to conspicuous consumption. Can’t you understand that?”

“Conspicuous consumption? You mean like show off?”

“Yes, damn it. That’s not immoral. Pride of ownership can be handled with tact and grace—while you show off a little.”

“Uncle, Charlie, I didn’t wreck your heap on purpose. It was an accident. Give me a break. You can afford it. You’re loaded and you let everybody know it.”

“You didn’t wreck it on purpose? It might as well have been. The officer who booked you said your blood alcohol level exceeded normal parameters. He also told me you were shit-faced…plastered out of your little mind. You never did learn to hold your booze. It’s hard to imagine my poor sister hatched you.”

“You always said I was your favorite nephew.”

“Teddy, I said that once-- when you were three. And that was before your two brothers were born.”

“You do this to me all the time Uncle. Diss, diss, diss. Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?”

“Yes, I do. I’m twice your age and I can still beat you at hoops, arm wrestling, and poker.”

“That’s not positive. That’s bragging. Okay, so you’re smarter, stronger, and can still make a basket. That doesn’t make you a nice person.”

“True. But I’m also a hell of a teacher, and I have a lesson for you that you’ll never forget.”

“So lay it on me, Socrates. See if it sticks.”

“Teddy, I’m cutting you out of my will.”

“So, who cares? I won’t miss it ‘til you’re stoking a furnace in Hell. Anyway, by then I’ll be rich and famous and won’t need your crummy money.”

"Teddy, based on the progress you’ve made toward your life-time goals in your first twenty-five years, you must expect me to live forever.”

“I’m just yanking your chain, Uncle. You’re really not a bad guy and I do hope you live forever. I’ll start paying you back for the Bentley as soon as I make my first million.”

“Yeah, fat chance. Teddy, you are hopeless. And I am stupid. I would never cut you out of my will; You are still one of my favorite three nephews. And only God knows why.”

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