Crossroads

Sitting there on my bed I began to think...but there were to many thoughts to sort out. I looked around at the bare walls of my bedroom...two are blue and two are wood type things. No closet just a shelf I pretend is my closet by hanging a pole from my ceiling so hide the shelf. a couple of old jackets i own hang there and a sweater. and a bookbag or two, there are wires all over in my ceiling and a light is burnt out. got a hamper or 2 filled with dirty clothes and sheets and such. The circuit box is alson on one wall in room. I also hung a shelf from IKEA on one wall and set my queen sized bed underneath it.

Sitting at my laptop trying to think of what to write about...but I can't think straight enough. I'm attending school more than fulltime, and I need to find a job but its impossible. I want to cry sometimes...but it seems weird if I do. I want to fill my walls with photos I have taken..but can't afford to print them. I'm ashamed to show my family my writing so I keep it hidden. Its odd how so many people are supported by there families and take it for granted.

I stare at my cell phone wishing someone, anyone would call or text me. I feel alone but not alone at the same time. It's a very strange feeling when you think about it. Some people would call me emo but I ain't emo. I am me and think how i think. I dress in whatever i want to. I don't dye my hair black and act like I am gonna cut and die. I am just confused and looking for that light so many people talk about constantly.

I finally got a boyfriend, so I should be happy right? I guess I am but I ain't super happy and overjoyed like I had hoped I would be. He is sweet and kind and cute and fun. But I'm not sure how to deal with so many things and I try to get advise from my parents but they just push me aside or tell me to figure it out...which I should be used to by now since they have told me these kind of things since I can remember.

I look at my laptop stand there are three coca-cola cans still there from today. I had thrown the others into the bin on the other side of the room next to my "closet" and there is a computer game next the cans. my phone is sitting next to my mouse charging.  I turn my head and see two bandannas I had hung last year becaues they have real cool motorcycles on them. Maybe I should take them down..they are after all from happier times. Oh well, I look to the end of my bed where a pizza box from dinner last night is sitting.

What to do when I am so lost? nothing...I am at a crossroads but am unsure of how to turn.