LETTERS OF REGRET (LETTER #1 thru #6)

LETTER'S OF REGRET

LETTER #1

FIRST MEETING, FIRST DATE, FUTURE PROMISES, REGRETS

Dear Jeanette,
                    Hello, stranger. Its been quite some time since we've last saw or contacted with one another. I figured you weren't going to make the first move, so I decided to step up to the plate and reah out to you. As always I hope and pray that when this letter reaches you it finds you, the kids and the rest of your family well. As for me; I've had my share of ups and downs since we parted company, but on the whole I'm good. Every now and then some thing happens that triggers my memory of you. Sometimes its as simple as a song we enjoyed together or a familiar place we we went to together and sometimes its a corn ball movie; where theres a scene in it that we experienced together.
                    I guess you're wondering why I've decide to write you at this time. Well lately I've been thinking about you. I thought about the good and bad times we shared. I thought about the many mistakes we made with each other. I thought  about  how we both broke our word to each other time and time again in various ways. I tried to figure out where did we go wrong. When I opened my eyes and looked at it honestly, it wasn't hard to figure out. For a long time I was mad at you and I'm quite sure you were just as mad at me.
                    So I've decided to put our story on paper. Not to embarass you or to cause you any type of grief. I just think that whoever reads it can benefit from the mistakes we made. It won't be a "how to", it will be more like a "not to" guide. We had a chance at something really special between us and we sacrificed it for some real bs. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what we went through, not even my worst enemy.  So sit back, put your feet up, relax and read on. 
                    I remember the first time I saw you; as if it were yesterday. I was visiting my sister Kim and you dropped by to have a word with her. Just before you and Kim disappeared to the backroom, Kim caught my eye and she stopped short. I guess she saw that my eyes were fixed on you. Kim took you by the hand and led you to where I was sitting, she introduce us by telling me your name was Jeanette, but you preferred to be called "India".  She introduced me to you as her oldest brother "Greg" and told you to be careful of me with a smile. Then two of you disappeared and left me with my mouth wide open, tongue wagging. You made a lasting first impression on me, which was rare after meeting one of my sister's friends. I turned to my brother-in-law Irving; and immediately asked him; "whats up with India?". Before he could fill me in, you and Kim appeared from the backroom and were heading to the door; you only a minute ago came through. Just like that you were gone.
                    I had no way of knowing it then, but you would become my greatest victory as well as my greatest defeat.When I first saw you, I fell in instant "like with you". I thought you were so beautiful, I liked the way you spoke, you had a hint of an Hispanic accent.  When you spoke it was like hearing my favorite song; it was music to my ears. As you know now I had and still do a strong attraction for Hispanic women. I noticed right away  the over sized clothing you were wearing.  I assumed the clothing was an attempt to hide your  figure. You may have fooled others by wearing baggy clothes, but to a guy like me, who has a trained eye to see through those disguises- I immediately sized you up. I very much liked the mental image that I conjured up of you. I figured if I ever saw a angel, it would look like you. You measured up to my specifications to the letter. There was nothing about you that I would have wanted to change. You are extremely beautiful; short in height, sexy lips, medium length curly hair, small breasted, flat stomach, small waist, nice ass, perfectly shaped legs and small feet. In my eyes you were the perfect package.  No only did you look good, you smelled real good also. At the time I didn't know the name of the fragrance you were wearing. I later found it is was Victoria Secrets'  Lavender. I love that smell, it has a such fresh and clean aromar to it. Even to this day if I come in contact with a woman who is wearing that same fragrance, I immediately think of you.
                    I wanted you and meant to have you by any means necessary. Me, being 5'11", 170lbs, Black, good looking and smart as well, I just naturally thought us being together would paint the outward picture of the perfect couple. I imagined us having a beautiful baby girl with your looks, my brain and our mix of Dominican and African blood. I asked my sister about you. She told me about you having a man, having a few kids and living in the projects down the block from her. She also, without going into details, told me that you had a rough life, but you basically were a nice girl. My sister being a good friend and knowing me, told me to stay away from you.  I guess she didn't want me to introduce you to the family charm.  Kim knew I wasn't paying her any attention because she got some what upset and took on a much more serious tone in her voice. She came and sat down next to me and says, "Greg I know you like India and I think she likes you too, but she has a man; whom by the way I can't stand and if you pursue her you're going to cause  a lot of problems for her". "Her man is very jealous and physically abusive to her and if he even thinks India is cheating on him, there's no telling what he would do to her".
                    What Kim told me weighed heavy on my mind. At the moment I didn't have a clear solution, but I figured one would come when it was needed. All I knew was that I liked what I saw in you and I was willing to do whatever needed to be done to let you know that. The next time I saw you, it was almost just like the first, except you gave me  something to remember. You came in, talked to my sister and then left. Although your visit was short and quick, we did lock eyes and the smile that you gave me made me feel like it  was just for me. I remember you gave Kim a phone number for her to reach you at your mother's house. In my mind, I felt you were sending me a message, the phone number was really for me. Your eyes said "if you want to talk to me, call me". The next time I went to Kim's house, I tried to get your mother's phone number from her, but she claimed she couldn't find it. Needless to say I was a little upset with my sister; I thought she was trying to block or deter my mission to expose you to the family charm. I promised myself that whenever, where ever, I saw you next; I was going to step to my business and holler at you.
                  I don't know if it was fate or just my lucky day, but I remember walking down 140th St. towards the library and who do I see?  You, the one and only person I had hoped to see. You were  on the side of my sister's building, waiting for her to return home. I knew right then and there, it was my time to approach you. As I approaching you, you turned and saw me coming. I couldn't swear to it, but I'm almost certain I saw you eyes light up when you saw me. Once I reached you, we gave the customary hood greeting; a hug and a peck on the cheek. I asked how you were doing?, which you replied "I'm all right, I just came by to see your sister",  and you?  I told you "I was good, I was just taking a stroll, enjoying the weather".  Listen India, "I don't want to seem out of line, I know you got a man and all that, but if you're not busy later on; I would like to take you out. You look like you could do with some fun and I promise you"ll enjoy yourself". You said "yes" and agreed to meet me back at my sister's house later that day. When you said "yes", my mind automatically went into overdrive. I thought about all the things I was going to do to you when I got you alone.
                    For the remainder of the day I was on pins and needles, wishing that time would speed up to the time we agreed to meet. I was in front of my grandmother's house, where I was staying at the time, waiting on the mailman. He had a check for me that I had to have in order to make my date with you. If you remember I was receiving worker's compensation back then as a result of the car accident I was in a few months before meeting you. Unfortunately, the mailman was running late which meant I was going to be late meeting you. I had no to way to contact you to let you know that I would be late, I just had faith that you would wait for me. When I finally reached my sister's house, I ran into my brother-in-law; Irving who told me that you were upstairs waiting for me and that I should hurry because your boyfriend would soon come looking for you. 
                  After explaining why I was late, we split up to pick up some things that we would need for our first little adventure together. I remember watching you walk away from me and I thought you had the sexiest walk I've ever seen.  Just thinking about that precise moment, sends waves of heat through me. Again thoughts of being alone with you started rushing through my mind. Finally, when we gathered everything we felt we would need to enjoy ourselves, we jumped into a cab and headed to a hotel. It wasn't a five star hotel, but it was nice enough. Remember, it sat on the side of the highway, about 500 yards away from the bridge that separated the Bronx from Queens. The rooms  were a nice size, equipped with a nice big bed, mirrors on the wall, TV  with adult entertainment and a bathroom with a shower. What more could you ask for?  If you remember they also had room service for food and drinks, which we took full advantage of. I don't think that I ever drank that much before in my whole life.
                  I can't lie to you, our first date was initially a booty call. I just wanted to get at you in the worst way imaginable. After arriving at the hotel, we ate and had a few drinks. I was enjoying your company and sex was longer my first priority. I just wanted to know more about you. Without going into any details Kim told me "that  you had been involved in a lot of dramatic situations throughout you life". Since I was curious to find out what she meant, I asked you. You told me " you were raped by your father when you thirteen years old".  Then while you still living in Dominican Republic you got pregnant. Your father then sent you to New York where your mother was living and you had you first child when you were fifteen years old.  Since you had citizenship in DR you got connected to some drug dealers and became a drug smuggler for a  cartel at the age of seventeen. Then before your eighteenth birthday you stop the smuggling. You told me that you had got introduced to the strip clubs while hanging out with the drug dealers you were working for. So getting plugged into the club scene was easy for you and became  a stripper from the age of nineteen to twenty-three. While you were working at the clubs, you got heavy into  using cocaine.  After getting caught up with the drugs you took to prostitution because weren't able to or just didn't want to keep up with your routines at the clubs. Hearing your story filled me with such sadness, I just wanted to be your knight in shining armor. If we were back in the dueling days, I would have called out all those that remotely cause you the slightest bit of pain or had a hand in  tarnishing your reputation.  For you to have endured all that you told me, would have taken a remarkable woman, which you obviously are.
                  After hearing your story I figured it was time to lighten the mood, so I ordered a few more drinks. The more we drank the funnier our stories got. We traded stories about cartoons we watched while growing up, mutual people we knew and their crazy habits and some fuuny situations we both witnessed involving my sister Kim and my brother-in-law Irving. I remember we went through a period of laughter that lasted well over a hour. There was a period of time when we couldn't even look at each other without busting into laughter. I laughed at you, you laughed at me and together we laughed at each other. I can't remember a time when I laughed so much and so hard. To be honest with you I really can't remember when I had more fun on a first date.Taking you to bed was no longer my primary objective. I was content to just enjoy your company, which I did for the whole weekend.
                  Bouncing from hotel to hotel, cab rides and keeping our supply of goodies up, turned out to be quite expensive. Looking back on it now, the happiness I experienced that weekend with you was worth its weight in gold. I would give anything to be able to go back in time to that day and just stay stuck in it for a minute. Friday and Saturday went by real smooth. There was no pressure on you from me for us to have sex. I figured if it was going to happen, I wanted it to happen naturally. Before we knew it Sunday night was upon us. We were both lost on our own thoughts. I figured you were worried about having to go home and face your boyfriend. I was worried about you having to go and face him too. I also wondered if we would ever have the opportunity to get together again. We shared a few pecks here and there while we were enjoying ourselves, but when you leaned over  and kissed me and I felt your tongue slide into my mouth, I knew what was about to go down.
                  When you grabbed my hand and lead me to the bathroom, my heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to burst. Once inside the bathroom, we began to undress each other and with each exposure of your naked flesh the throbbing between my legs began to outpace my heart. I felt like a little kid with a big bag of candy, not knowing what to eat first. Our first shower together was like something out one of those romance novels. The care and attention that we took towards washing each other was amazing. Having sex with you for the first time was one hell of an experience, one that I have yet to duplicate, even after all this time. I guess you know why I nicknamed you the "BEAST"!!!!
                    We made promises to each other to get together again, and I know when we made them we really meant them. Unfortunately you had a boyfriend waiting for you and I had a prison cell waiting for me. I was and had been a criminal for quite some time. I enjoyed the fast money, fancy clothes and of course the fast women that came with that life style. I was involved in a check cashing scheme that was very profitable until one of my workers got busted and decided to turn state's evidence on me. Looking back on it now, I just chalk it up as to being part of the game.If you live by t he sword, you die by the sword. At least, I was honest enough to tell you I had to go away for awhile. After meeting and  spending time with you, turning myself into the courts was real hard. All I asked of you was: for you to take care of yourself, stay out of trouble,and stay in contact with my sister Kim; that way I would know how to find you whenever I returned. I wondered if I would ever see you again. I vowed that no matter what, I would. I regret that I had to leave you.


                                    This was how you were when we first met:
              "ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES, BUT WITH A LOT OF POTENTIAL"
                                          AND YOU STILL ARE...STILL DO....



                                                                                  MY DOMINICAN QUEEN
                                                                                      I STILL LOVE YOU
                                                                                                      &
                                                                                    MISS YOU VERY MUCH

                                                                                        YOU KNOW WHO

"NEVER AS GOOD AS THE FIRST TIME"---SADE


LETTERS OF REGRET

LETTER #2

Dear Jeanette,
As always I hope when this letter reaches you it fingds you, the kids and the rest of your family in the good health and spirits. As for; I;m good. After I wrote and read the first letter over, I was filled with a deep sense of sadness. I actually thought that we could've have been one of the great ones; Bonnie & Clyde, Ginger & Fred or Bergman & Bogart. I guess dreams don't always come through. Life's a bitch then you die, I guess thats why we stayed high.
Any way I hope I'm not interupting you and you can take a moment out to read my next installment.
About eight weeks after our first date I had to turn myself into the courts, which I told you about peviously. It wasn't something I was looking forward to doing, but a deal is a deal. What you didn't know was I wouldn't have had to go to prison at all if I had stuck to the plan my lawyer had put in motion. I was supposed to enter into a drug program for eighteen months, which I did. The judge was willing to sentence me to the program instead of sending me upstate. I was in the program as instructed, but on one of scheduled court dates I decided not to go back to the program. There were a variety of reasons why I didn't go back, none that make sense now, but they did at the time. Any way thats the real reason why I went upstate instead of being out here with you.
The weeks before I had to turn myself in, I was constantly on the look out for you. It was as if you drop off the face of the map. Every time I asked my sister Kim about you, she would get upset and just tell me to leave you alone. Finally I ask Kim why she was so mad at me and why she was trying to prevent me from getting to you. She said because of me her friend got hurt. She told how your boyfriend beat you up when you went back home after our weekend together. I was very, very upset about what happened to you. I was upset with myself for putting you in that situation. My first thought was check on you, but Kim said I would just be making more trouble for you. My next thought was to step to your boyfriend and break his neck. Again Kim being the voice of reason reminded me of the trouble I was all ready in with the law and that I didn't need any more trouble. I didn't know what to do. I was concerned about you, I wanted to get at your boyfriend in the worst way, but my hands were tied.
Kim sat me down and we had a long talk. She told that whenever she would see you, all you would do is talk about the weekend we spent together, how much fun you had. She told how you wished you could start over with me. She said that whenever you spoke about us, it was the first time she saw happiness; not only on your face, but in you eyes. The whole time Kim is talking to me, I'm getting more and more upset. You knowing me now, so you can imagine how hard it was for me to just sit there and listen. Then Kim, did something that was so out of character for her; she reached over and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear and "everything will be all right if you listen to me".
Kim's plan was simple enough. Basically, she told me that I had to forget about you for the time being because I couldn't do anything to help you. For me to pursue you at this time would only bring you more trouble; physically, mentally and emotionally. She told me " go do your time that you owe the courts, get your head together while you're away. She told me "not to worry about you because she would stay in contact with you and when I come home she would let me know how to find you". What could I do mami, except take the advice that was given to me for your sake as well as mine. Kim told me that you definitely wanted us to get together whenever I came home. She told me you wanted a fresh start with someone that you not hold your past against you and would treat you and your children right. That was all the incentive I needed to do what I had to do.
I felt really bad about what happen to you and I promised I would everything in my power to try to make it up to you. I told Kim to give you a message from me "the weekend we spent together was just the beginning, that nothing in this world could prevent me from coming for you when I come home and that I promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure that our future will be filled all the happiness we deserve. I regret the pain you had to suffer because of me. Once again I regret that I have to leave you.


I STILL LOVE YOU
&
I MISS YOU VERY MUCH

YOU KNOW WHO


MARY J. BLIGE - "STAY DOWN"



LETTERS OF REGRET

LETTER #3

Dear Jeanette,
Whats up beautiful? I was thinking about you and decided to put pen to paper and holler at you. I hope when this letter finds its way into the safety of you hands, it finds you, the kids and the rest of the family both physically and mentally sound. As for me; I'm good. I figured now was a good time to pick up where I left off in my last letter.
My couple first weeks on Rikers' Island was real rough. Not because of where I was, I've been there more times than I'd like to count, but because I was concerned about you and what was happening with you. I also missed you. Since Kim didn't have a phone I would call one of my brothers or at to my grandmother's and leave messages for Kim to let me know how you were doing. Once in a while I would get an update on you. Fortunately the reports were always good cause I'm not sure how I would have reacted if they were any thing else.
You know how Rikers' is, so you know it wasn't a place for a person to have their head in the clouds. I had to be on point all the time because stuff was always jumping off. So after awhile I had to force myself not to think about you. It was hard at first but as time went on I thought about you less and less. Know that you were never completely out of my thoughts.
Eventually I had to go upstate. Now it was really time to get into my bid and close my mind off to the outside world. When I got to my primary facility in Onedia N.Y. I concentrated on getting into a program which I thought would be helpful to me upon my release. I got involved in the Quick Chill Program, which was a job on the outside of the prison where we prepared all the meals for all the prison in N.Y.S.'s Correctional Department. My time was going by real smooth, I stayed out of trouble and was as content as I could be considering my environment.
As time went on I thought about you less and less. I've been away now for over a year and figured you either patched things up with your boyfriend or moved on. At any rate I didn't figure I fit into the picture any more. While I was doing my time my lawyer settled my lawsuit and I received a sizeable sum of money. Of course I had some depositied in my inmate account. After that I deposit my time went by even easier. Money rules no matter where you are and I was suddenly catapulted into an higher status at the facility among my fellow inmates.
Around January 2003, my luck had changed for the better for once. As you may or may not remember my time away from you wasn't my first trip. Actually I was serving my fifth state bid. My previous bids always resulted in me having to complete 2/3 of time because every time I appeared before the parole board for release on my mininum sentence I was always denied. Well for what ever reason this time it was different. I went before the parole board and they granted me an even earlier release, which called merit release. Without getting into the red tape of merit release, it just meant I was being released a few months before I even completed my mininum sentence. I couldn't believe it and my first thought was of you. I couldn't wait to get released so I could see you. I thought about trying to get in contact with you but, I figured it be better if I just showed up and surprised you.
For once it seemed things were working out in my favor. You know when I really knew my luck had changed? Its when I got your letter. Here it was fourteen months since I last saw or spoke with you and out of the clear blue I get a letter from you. When the C.O. called me to the desk for mail and I saw your name on the return address, I gotta tell you "that was a real kodak moment!!". I was totally surprised. My crew said I looked like I had just hit lotto or something. They had never seen me so happy.
My memory isn't what it used to me, so I can't really recall all of your letter, but I do remember that your main focus was on our first date. You clearly stated that you knew it was just a "booty call and that you weren't really expecting me to honor my promise to you". You told me that you were finally able to break away from your boyfriend with the help of your family. I remember thinking to myself that was a good move on your part for your own safety and happiness. I also had selfish motives as well. With your ex out the picture that meant clear sailing for us or so I thought at that moment. You also said that you were trying to get your life back on track, which I was hoping you would do while I was away. I don't remember how many times I read your letter but I know it was move than five times before the realization that you really wrote me set in.
It took me a day or so before I got my thoughts together to write you back. When I did write you I assured you that I would keep my promise I made to you and that it would happen sooner than you thought. I actually wrote you a ten page letter. Unfortunately you didn't receive it because at that time my brother Derek was on a crazy crack mission and he broke my grandmother's mailbox in order to steal my sisiter's check. The mailbox never got fixed and no one wanted to take the time to walk to the post office to pick up the mail. I don't remember if I ever mentioned this to you before, so if you ever thought that I didn't respond to your letter, you now know different.
I was to be released in about 75 days and the only thing on mind was you. I couldn't wait to see you and put my arms around you. Memories of our first weekend together made those 75 days go by quickly and happily. Our time together would soon be at hand.

I STILL LOVE YOU
&
MISS YOU VERY MUCH

YOU KNOW WHO


"ADORE"--PRINCE



LETTERS OF REGRET

LETTER #4

Dear Jeanette,
What up mami? As always I hope whenever this letter reaches the safety of your hands it finds you, the kids and the rest of your family doing well. As for me; you know how I flow. Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down but everyday above ground is another day for me to get it right. I know you've been waiting for my next letter installment but I've been a little busy. Now that I have some free time on my hands I figured it was a good time to pick up where I left off in my last letter. Get ready for a trip down memory lane!
Its March 31, 2005, the day I got released from prison and resumed my place in the so called free world. My daughter Tiffany showed up at the prison to pick me up because she knew her father had more money than the law allowed and that usually spelled trouble for me. My first thought once I stepped out of the prison was to find you, but I had to put that thought on hold for a minute because I had one of my homeboys with me and I needed to see him straight.
My first stop was my father's house up in the Bronx, because he had my bank books and I definitely needed to get hold of some cold hard cash. When I finally got hold of my bank books and look at the combined totals I was blown away. Never have I had so money at one time to my self: $450,000.00. I didn't know what I wanted to do first. So my daughter helped by telling me she needed some money. So off to the bank I go. I withdrew $11,000. - gave my daughter $500., got a certified check for my wife for $5,000.00 and had the $5,500 in my pocket.
Now its time to get my party on. First I had to shake my daughter. I dropped her off in the Bronx promising to pick her up in the morning so we could ride up to Middletown together so I could hit my wife off with the check. Now my partner L.A. had to be in Baltimore the next day so I figured we'd get our party on before he had to leave town. We went and picked up four very beautiful and charming young ladies. We rented two hotel rooms, two woman a piece and all the goodies we would need to see us through the night. Needless to say we partied like rock stars all night long. I don't think I had a moments rest, not that I wanted to rest if you get my meaning. (I mentioned this only because I felt a need to come clean with you, as far as you being the first woman I got with when I came home. You know now that you were the third--sorry!)
The next morning I rode down to Amtrak with my partner L.A., I brought his train ticket and gave him $1,000. and wished him the best and told him to stay in contact with me. Next I picked up my daughter, went and reported to parole and the headed down to the Port Authority where Tiffany and I caught the Shoreline bus to Middletown. I hadn't seen my wife face to face in about 4 years and I was a little nervous. When we got to the house my wife wasn't even home. So while I was waiting for her to show up, I put in an call to my sister Kim. I asked her if she had seen you recently. Kim said "she hadn't sen you for a while and had no idea where you were at". Needless to say that wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I told Kim to put my brother-in-law Irving on the phone. I told Irving "he was to find you by any means necessary and that I would reward him handsomely if he produce the results that I wanted".
Well wifey finally showed up and she was looking just as good as the first day we met. Our first hug and kiss took me back in time to a place of simpler and happier times. I was torn between wanting to ride that cloud or continuing my search for you. After the usual small talk I gave Yvonne the check I had brought for her. She smiled that only smile at me, I guess money will do that to a person. That smiled melted me in ways I can't even put into words. I looked around, saw the beautiful wife, the nice house, my daughter and for a moment I wanted to be back where I thought I belonged; with my wife and family. In my mind I tried to figure out how I was going to stay the night. Yvonne and I talked for a while and things were progressing nicely and the devil was on my shoulder, whispering in my ear "it sure would be nice to spend a night in my wife's bed". So I figured I would kill some time by going shopping with my daughter and the going to dinner. When I told Yvonne my plans and invited her she declined which kind of burst my bubble but, she promised she would drive me to bus station when we came back and that we would talk then. It wasn't quite the answer I was looking for but, its the answer I got.
While I was having dinner with my daughter; Tiffany and I got a phone call from Irving bearing good news. Irving told me that he had saw you and that you said "would meet me at the church on 146 St. at 10:00 the next morning". At that point I was quite happy that I would be seeing you soon but a part of me wanted to stay in Middletown with my wife. When Tiffany and I arrived back at my wife house, Yvonne told me it was to late to take me to the bus station, that it would be best if stayed overnight and that she would take me to the bus station the next day. Of course all type of thoughts went through my head with that invitation, which I gladly accepted.
Yvonne and I sat up quite late talking. We reminised about our past relationship. We laughed alot but there was alot more sorrow than I like to admit. At times it was clearly visable that she was uncomfortable, which is something I never thought would happen between us.I put my wife through pure hell and when it was all said and done she still was willing to stand by side. Don't ask me why?, because I couldn't explain it if you gave me a million years to do so. No disrespect to you but Yvonne was the best thing that happen to me and I was to stupid to realize it and I took for granted that she would always be there no matter what. I truly believe that Yvonne was opening the door for me to come home and I just had to verbally accept her conditions which I knew all so well. A part of me wanted to attempt to work out my marriage, the other part of me wanted to be wild and free. So instead of choosing the stableness of being a husband again, I choose to you. I've come to realize over the years that its so much easier to do the wrong thing than to accept responsiblity and do whats right. Right requires a lot of work and sacrfice, where as doing wrong only requires the thought to do so, which I seem to have mastered.
The next day when it was time for me to leave Middletown and had back to the Bronx, I knew in my heart I was making a big mistake. I was allowing my lust for you to over rule my heart and what I knew was the right thing to do. The ride to the bus station was filled with silence. Yvonne was in her own thoughts and of course I was caught up in mine. As soon as we pulled into the bus station the bus to New York was just pulling in. Yvonne hugged, kissed me and told me "Greg use the money you have wisely and stay out of trouble. Stay in touch". At that point my heart just melted like butter on a hot grill. Yvonne looked at me like she would never see me again. Somehow, some way she foresaw the problems that awaited me and I guess it filled her with sadness. When the bus pulled away, I looked out the window and Yvonne was waving and the smile she gave me was one that I always remembered. I could have sworn I saw tears in her eyes or maybe they were the tears that I caught a glimpse of when I saw my reflection through the bus window.
Sometimes I wish I could turn back the hands of time and relive my life with the knowledge that I have now. I'm sure there are probably millions of other people who wish the same thing. Its seems inspite of the success that I've had other the years, that regret has played a major part of my life. I couldn't wait to see you the following morning. Little did I know that I was about to confront my second biggest regret in the flesh.



I STILL LOVE YOU
&
MISS YOU VERY MUCH

YOU KNOW WHO


"A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME"--LUTHER VANDROSS



LETTERS OF REGRET

LETTER #5

Dear Jeanette,
Whats good pretty lady?. As always I hope when this letter reaches you it finds you, the kids and the rest of your family well. As for me I've been working on some other personal projects, so I've been slow in getting out these letters to you. Now that I have a little free time I decided to put pen to paper again. Put your feet up and enjoy. Word of caution from here on out the gloves come off. I've been sugar coating our adventures up to now. I'm about to tell all so don't take offense, but the truth is the truth. I know I'm not supposed to kiss and tell but when you kiss and get burned it needs to be told.
Sitting ont he bus on the way to New York, my thoughts are of you. I'm wondering if you still look the same, if you still smell the same, what your present relationship status is and/or have you enhanced your beastly skills in the bedroom . Its already in my mind that our first reunion is definitely going to be a repeat of our first union, only thing different is that if you're not presently in a relationship then you won't have to look over you shoulders for your jealous boyfriend. This could very well be our beginning to something real special; or so I thought!
I got to my grandmother's house around 8:00 am. Needless to say Kim and Irving was still sleep. I immediately woke them up and told them to get dressed so that we could catch up with you. Around 9:15 am we were all heading out the door towards the church on 146th St., where you said you would be. I know I was supposed to meet you at 10:00, but I was anxious to see you and plus I had a feeling that we needed to be early or I wasn't going to see you. It was a good thing that we showed up early because just as we came up to the church Kim saw you. You were walking in our direction, my eye sight isn't all that great so I couldn't see you at first, I just felt my heart pounding in my chest. I can't even begin to explain the excitement I felt at the mere thought of seeing you again.
As you got closer and my vision became clearer, I felt my heat sink to my feet. I kept saying to myself this can't be my baby. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Although I knew it was you that I was looking at, you didn't look nothing like the woman I had left 18 months ago. To be perfectly honest with you, you like you been to hell and back. At first I was hit with such an overwhelming sense of sadness that it almost brought tears to my eyes. Then anger took over when I looked at the guy you were with. I immediately wanted to take his head off for allowing you to look the way you did. The only thing that stopped me from over reacting was the thought of where I had just got released from and how would I be able to help you from a prison cell. So I did the next best thing, I got you away from this clown, actually it was Kim that save moment. Kim told your boyfriend; Hector "that my grandmother wanted to see you right away because she was worried about you". I remember looking at Hector and for some reason all the anger lifted from me. I remembered there was a time when I was at the same low point in my life. Compassion took over and I remember reaching in my pocket and handing Hector $10.00 to get something to eat. At the time I thought it was the best $10.00 I ever spent because I was able to walk away with you again.
I wish God had blessed me with the power to see the future, because I had no inclination as to the drama that was going to befall us. If I had only known perhaps I could have prevented all the pain and misery that was ahead of us.



I STILL LOVE YOU
&
MISS YOU VERY MUCH

YOU KNOW WHO


"TEARS"--ISLEY BROTHERS




INTRODUCTION

I guess you readers that have been reading my letters about Jeanette and myself probably thought it was just another love story that went bad. Well "bad" is putting it "mildly".  The following letters will paint a very nasty picture of drug abuse, physical violence, deceit, betrayal, sqandering large amounts of money and "LUST". I say "LUST" because although I "LOVE" Jeanette I'm not really sure if I was ever really "IN LOVE WITH HER"?  I guess during the time I was  together with Jeanette, I didn't know the difference or may I knew the difference and didn't really care. I guess that sounds crazy, well it gets even crazier.



LETTERS OF REGRET

LETTER #6


Dear Jeanette,
                    What up shortie?  As always I hope when this letter reaches you it finds you, the kids and the rest of family well. As for me I'm as well as can be. The first five letters were to set the stage for whats to come. I know going down memory lane can be painful at times, but I'll do my best not to make to painful. Things weren't always bad between us, we did have some good times. I hope you're ready for this next installment. Get comfortable and read on. Hopefully some where in this letter you'll read something that will put a smile on your pretty face.
                      I remember it as if it were yesterday, the feeling I felt while we walking to my grandmother's house. The feeling of happiness at seeing you again was over whelming and at the same I felt sorry for your present predicament. The closer we got to my garndmother's house the more I felt in my heart that every thing was going to be okay. I knew it was going to take a little time and at that moment I felt we had all the time in the world together. 
                        I guess while we walking you had already decided what your course of action was going to be. Its my guess that you were feeling some what embarrassed about your appearance and you had every intention of rectifying the situation. You made that clear about ten minutes after reaching my gradmother's house,  you were asking me to leave and come back in two hours time to pick you up.  You were like "baby let me get myself together, I promise when you come back you'll be more than happy and impressed for  allowing me this time". What could I say to that?  I did what any man would have done, I  gave you your space so you could handle your business.
                          I had already decided where we were going to spend our first night back together at. Of course it was the Capri, the hotel by the bridge, where we had our first date. I guess its nothing like returning to the scene of the crime.  Since you were doing your make over I decided to go to Trisha's where I staying to freshen up.  After I changed my clothes, throw the jewels on and made a withdrawal from the bank it was time to go goody shopping.  I went and brought three hundred dollars worth of crack, four stems and lighters and two packs of Newport cigarettes. I was going to buy something to eat and drink to take with us, but them I remembered that the hotel had room service for for and drinks. Now it was time to get this party started, so I called my grandmother's to check on you and  you said "you were ready".  So I jumped a cab to come pick you up. I have to tell that while I was riding in the cab,  the closer I got to grandma's I felt my heart begin to beat faster and faster and the mere thought of being with you again.
                              When Kim opened the door and I saw you standing in the living room all I could say was "WOW!!".  In my mind I said "thats my baby". You looked better than perfect. When you walked up to me and asked "you like?", I couldn't even get out a resonse.  When I put my arms around you I remember you smelling so fresh. (so fresh and so clean, clean became my saying for you whenever you stepped out of the shower) You knew that I loved your curly hair, it accents your face to perfection. When we kissed I was like butter on a hot grill, a building could have fallen on me and I wouldn't have felt it. The outfit that you were wearing showed that pretty little figure of yours and needless to say at the point I wasn't thinking with the head that sits upon my shoulders any more. The smaller head had clearly taken over and was consumed with all types of very nasty thoughts of things that I wanted to do to and with you. I wasted no time in getting us a cab so we could get to our destination with the swiftness.
                              During the cab ride I found it almost impossible to take my eyes off you. My palms were sweaty and for some reason I felt a little nervous. When we reached the hotel I paid for the room, got the key and dam near ran upstairs to our room.  What ever uneasines I was feeling in the cab was over once we crossed the threshold.  I walked over to the table to unload the goodies I had collected while you were doing your make over. When you put your arms around me and kissed me I finally realized I was  home. Trust me its no fun being locked down and separted from your family and friends. Well now it was time to put the past behind us and get this party started.
                            I guess you had the same thought because you went and turned on the music. Once you found the right song; you started taking off your clothes one piece at a time very, very slowly while dancing to the music.  I sat in the chair enjoying every move you made.  You were just as I had remembered you. By this time either the heat came on in the room or I was just crazy hot for you becuse I was sweating like I just stepped out of the shower. Once you got down to your thong I decided to stop the show. I had every intentions of being the one who would do the removing when it came to that thong.
                                Without going in graphic detail our first night together was an enjoyable one. Sexually we covered everything from A-Z, we smoked as much crack as we wanted to, we drank all types of drinks from the bar and we ate until our stomachs were full. Then we had a good night sleep, what more could I ask for.  Unbeknown to me you had a secret that you didn't disclose to me our first night together. Well don't feel bad because I also had several secrets that I didn't eveal to you either. No harm done, whats done in the dark eventually comes to light. We're about to embark on a journey that neither of us will ever forget.


                                                                              I STILL LOVE YOU
                                                                                            &
                                                                            I MISS YOU VERY MUCH

                                                                                YOU KNOW WHO



GERALD LEVERT -  "MR. TO DAMN GOOD TO YOU"