Mushroom Veteran

MUSHROOM VETERAN

It was a hot ass night when the dame found me in the streets. She worked at the little restaurant in the corner of Vine and 7th Avenue. I was living in a coffee can beneath the dumpster behind the restaurant. For months I was surviving on scraps of food that the bums threw out. I suppose you can say I’m a bum, but I‘ll talk about that later.

Anyway, I was rummaging through the dumpster one night when I heard the back door of the diner slam. I took a look out and saw her sitting on the step.

She was lighting a cigarette.

That’s when I jumped out and spoke up. “Hey there! Don’t you know cigarettes are bad for you?”

She started tripping out, you know, wondering where my voice was coming from.
“Down here, honey,” I said, “by yo shoe.”

She looked down and gasped.

“Oh man! You’re a…you‘re a…”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a talking mushroom.”

“How are you talking?”

“It’s a long story I don’t care to tell. However, I see that you’re feeling glum and I suppose my story can color you up. I’ll share it with you if you promise not to light another one of those disgusting cigarettes. I hate cigarettes.” And I spit at her foot in disgust.

She nodded and said, “Yeah, alright, I won't smoke. See, there, it’s out. I just got fired and-”
“Listen, doll, I don’t care about your problems. I just hate cigarettes and if my story stops you from puffin’ then I’ll start talkin’. Are you ready?”

“Um, yeah, sure.”

“Good. Now shut up. It started back in the day...


"I mean way back in the day when I was just a little fungus. I grew up on a farm, see. There were other ‘shrooms like myself and we were all really cool. Then… it happened.”

“What happened?”

“Shut the hell up, I‘m talking! Anyway, that’s when it happened. It was a summer day and we were all chilling out, you know, doing our mushroom thing when a man came marching in and started pickin’ us up and throwing us in a bag. I was with Tommy and Dean and Martino. We got packaged together and it wasn’t pleasant, baby doll. We were packed with like, nine other fungi. They shoved us in a blue tub or something and covered us up with plastic so we couldn’t escape. The bastards! Anyway. We went through a series of travels until finally we were placed with a bunch of other scumbag veggos and mushroom. It was some kind of market. Anyway.

"Some broad took us to her house and ripped open the plastic. We thought we was home-free but then the lady started spreadin’ us on the table. Then she got the knife and started slicing Tommy and cutting’ up Dean and smackin’ Martino around."

"Goodness!"

"Yeah, I know. I tell you, babe, it was some nasty stuff. Anyway, it turns out this pencil neck of a woman had some psycho scientist of a son who grabbed a hold of me and took me in his room. That’s when he started puttin’ me in crap and potions and what not. Before I knew it, I was talkin’ and movin’ around."

"Whoa."

"He ran to tell his mom about the amazing experiment and that’s when I made my escape. I jumped out that punk ass kid’s window right through the glass and landed in the lawn. From there I ran to the bus stop and took the bus to many different cities and lands. Let me tell you, sweet cheeks, I seen some crazy stuff. But the most horrible thing I ever saw was how people make cigarettes. I snuck into a tobacco company and saw the whole damn thing. It was nasty, sugar cubes, just nasty. Since that day forward I dedicated my life to telling people to stop smoking.”

After that she just looked at me in amazement. I could tell she wanted me, but I let her down easy.

“Listen, honey, I know what you’re thinking. How’s a hot ass mushroom like me single? But let me tell you. My love for human kind surpasses any temporary relationship I could have with a woman. Don’t worry though, doll. You’ll find someone.”

I gave the girl a wink and she was so moved that she threw her cigarettes away and offered to take me home. Of course, I had to decline, but she insisted so I spent the night at her house. We never made love but uh, I know she wanted to. Babes can't resist a hot fungus.