LETTERS OF REGRET (LETTER #7 & #8)

LETTERS OF REGRET

LETTER #7

Dear Jeanette,
As always I hope whenever this letter reaches the safety of your hands it finds you, the kids and the rest of your family enjoying good health and reaping the benefits of their labors. As for me, I'm okay. As I write these letters to you I find myself wishing I had done so many things differently. I guess thats why they're titled "LETTERS OF REGRET". Any way I hope your ready for my next installment of down memory lane. You'll probably at some point feel that these letters are just pointing out your faults. Well know that I couldn't point a finger at you without having four fingers pointing back at myself. Trust me when its all said and done I won't come away smelling like roses. So sit back, relax and read on.
Our first day together was one for the good time's memory bank. We drug hard, drank hard and made love hard, what more could you ask for. Day two of our reunion brought on some unexpected surprises. After taking of some personal business, I return to grandma's house expecting to find you ready for another night of celebrating. Unfortunately I found you curled up in a ball on my niece's bed writhering in pain. When I ask you what was wrong, the answer that you gave me was one I would have never expexted to hear from you. You were dope sick. It seems that while I was away you developed a dope habit. Also the night before at the hotel you while you were in the bathroom preparing yourself for me, you drank a bottle of methadone. Fortunately for you were on a low dose because kicking meth can be harder than actually kicking the dope. The good thing was that you wanted to kick the habit. I didn't know much about dope because I never developed at habit for it, but I knew kicking would be hard. I've heard horror stories of people going through the withdrawal stages and only through strong will and determination can the dependency be licked. If nothing else you've always been strong willed.
Well, after a few days you were as good as new. To celebrate your return to the living I gave you some money so you could go shopping. I remember I liked the clothes that you brought, I just thoguht they would be better worn on someone else's girl. You know I was on some conservative shit and the clothes your brought were alot on the revealing side. But I have to admit once I saw you in them, all I could say was "WOW". You just happen to be one of the women that look good in anything you put on, whether its jeans and sneakers or highs and a sexy dress. Well with us both sporting some new outfits it was time to hit the town. I'm guessing now is when your curiousity started kicking in. You were probably wondering how a man wo doesn't work cam afford to do all the things I was doing. Well in case you've forgotten before I went away I was involved in a car accident. While I was away the insurance company awarded me a sizable settlement.
We went to Bay Plaza Mall and ate at Red Lobster. Of cause we had a few drinks with our meal. During dinner I had already made the necessary call to let one of our many suppliers know that we would be coming through and to have the package ready for us. After picking up the package we headed to our favorite hideout, the Capri. The desk workers there were starting calling me my name. I guess that happens when you frequent a place as much as we did. I didn't realize it then because I was so caught up with your ass, but our whole relationship was centered around drugs, sex, money and more drugs. Thats not to say that we didn't care for one another, its just we weren't each others main focus. It's not the relationship that I had envisioned for us, but its the one we both allowed to consume us. Quiet as its kept, I take full blame for the way our relationshiped progressed and then deteriorated. You followed my lead and I ultimately lead you blind. Even when you suggested that we do things differently, I ignored you. I was so caught up with the money and the drugs that I lost sight of everything else. We were a fatal accident just waiting to happen. Much more to come.




I STILL LOVE YOU
&
I MISS YOU VERY MUCH

YOU KNOW WHO





ME, MYSELF AND I --BEYONCE




LETTERS OF REGRET

LETTER #8

Dear Jeanette,
Hi mami. Hopefully you and the family are well. I'm doing as well as possible. I don't really know how you feel about these letters, but for me they give me a chance process the many mistakes that I made with you. I don't know if you feel that you made any mistakes during our relationship. If you do I would hope that you've learned from them as I have. For me I realize that I should take my own advice. Also sometimes listening to what other people say should be taken into consideration. I mean if ten people tell you the same thing, not to say that what they're saying is true, but it should be considered objectively. I say that because alot of people told me to stay away from you. I figured it was because of your past so I discounted what was said. Had I taken a moment to analyze things back then maybe things wouldn't have went so far with us.
I remember the first time when the little voice in the back of my head said "Gee, leave that chick alone, shes trouble". We had been partying pretty hard for a few days and we were splitting our time either at the Capri or at my sister Trisha's house where I was supposed to be living. If someone offered me a million dollars I still wouldn't be able to answer the questioned thats has nagged at me for years. We were sitting in the living, we were disussing something and the next thing I know I my hands are around your neck and I'm choking the shit out of you. Trisha was screaming at me to let you go, you were turning red and the only thought in my head for that brief moment was to kill you. Hearing Tisha's voice brought me back and I released you. I sat down on the sofa and when I looked at you, I saw this crazy ass look on your face. It was like you couldn't believe I had just choke you. I don't remember if you said anything or if it was the look you were giving me, but before I knew it I had my hands wrapped around your neck again. This time I wasn't trying to hear Trisha. I had every intentions of choking the life out of you. When I looked into your face I was hit with such an overwhelming sense of guilt that I immediately releassed you.
To this day I can't remember what we exchanged words over. I didn't know it then but I came to learn that you have a very sharp tongue. I know you said something to me that just didn't it right with me and I lost it. Right there and then I guess you found out the hard way the I had a very bad temper. I know now that there isn't anything that I could possibly say that would justify me choking you the way I did. Its one of the many incidents that I wish had never happened. I clearly remember after the anger had drained from me I felt like a piece of shit. When I got up to go towards you the look of fear that I saw on your face was something I had never seen before and unfortunately a look I would see again many times.
We both sat in our own worlds for some time, neither one of us saying anything. When I walked towards you the next time you allowed me to. I put my arms around and held you because I wasn't realy sure what to say or what else to do. You cried hard and for quite some time. You kept asking me "why popi?" and I couldn't come up with an answer that would have made any sense to you much less to myself. I guess in order to break the quiet tension that was surrounding us you announced that you were hungry and that you wanted to pick our stuff up from the cleaners. (Before this incident I had gave you $250.00 because you said you wanted to go buy something which I don't remember what it was). I then you gave you $50.00 to get some food and to pick up our clothes from the cleaners. While you were gone I called one of the workers and had him bring me up to $200. pack and I started getting high by myself. After a hour or so went by I started wondering what was taking you so long to just go across the street. In my state of highness I forget abou the $250. I had gave you earlier. So now I'm figuring you were really upset about the incident that took place between us and you decided to go let off some steam.
A couple of more hours pass and no word from you. I'm between wondering if something happened to you and being mad at you for pulling this disappearing act. I kept picking up my cell expecting it to ring and you would be telling that you were on your way upsatirs. That never happened. I don't know what to do. I thought about going to look for you, then I decided that wouldn't be a good idea. Either I wasn't going to find you or I might have found you and wished I didn't find you.
So I sat there and continued to get high. After a while I guess I dozed off because the next time I opened my eyes it was pitch black outside. I asked Trisha if you had came back or called and she said "no" to both. In my mind I said "fuck it, do you". I called Irving and had him meet one my dealers to pick up a package. Once Irving arrived with my stuff I hit him off and told him the short version of what happened between us. I asked him if you had showed up at my grandmother's and he said "no", but if you showed up he would call me. Irving left and I was alone with me, myself and my crack.
I really don't remember how long I sat up getting high, but I remember the sun was coming up. I decided to take a nap. When I woke up it was about 11 am if my memory serves me correctly. I picked up my cell and saw that I had missed a call at 5 am. I looked around and didn't see you so it was obvious that you didn't come home. I thought two things; either you would show up later or you weren't coming back. I got up took a shower, got dressed and caught a cab to my grandmother's. Kim and Irving said they still hadn't heard from you. I didn't know what to do so I did what I always do: I got high. About an hour later Trisha calls me and tells me your at the house. She said you came in about a half hour ago and you weren't looking good. I told her to put you on the phone, she said you were in the shower. She said you were crying and you were scared to face me. I told my sister I wasn't going to do anything to you. Then Trisha said you had something else to tell me and for me not to get to mad. She told me you pawn your jewelry (chain,earrings,bracelet watch). Needless to say I was pissed. You had $300.00 in your pocket when you disappeared. That should have been enough money for you to do whatever you wanted to do. I hung up the phone.
A few minutes later the phone rang and it was you. You were crying telling me how sorry you were that you fucked up. At that moment I was more relieved to hear your voice than mad at you. I told you to take cab to my grandmother's. You then told me that you had to pay $150.00 to get your chain back and another $100.00 to get the other stuff. Before I could say anything Trisha took the phone from you and told me she was coming with you and for me not to start no shit. About twenty minutes later you and Trisha were coming through my grandmother's door. If I still held any anger towards you it immediately disappeared when I saw you. You looked like to just step out of a fashion magazine and smelt even better. I remember you were wearing a jersey dress with your J-Lo boots and your hair was done to perfection. All I could do was put my ams around you. I told you this one is on me the next time its on you and it won't be pretty. You promised me then there wouldn't be a next time. That was a promise I some how knew wouldn't be kept by you.
We jumped in a cab and headed to Mott Haven Projects so I could recover your chain. I paid the guy $170.00 ($20.00 more because you were late) ad got your chain back. My first thought was not to give it back to you. I looked at you and figured the chain you look good on you, so I place it around your neck with the warning that the chain was never to come off your neck again for any reason. The rest of your jewelry I told you to take as a lost because I wasn't getting it back. All along Trisha is eye balling me, I guess she waiting for the moment when I flip. To her surprise as well as mine I didn't. We decided to to go back to Trisha's. Along the way we stop at the Jamaican restaurant and order enough food to feed five people. While we were eating I put in a call to place an order. The dealer showed up to Trisha's house and I purchase everything he had and told him to go get me another package. After he returned with the second package we jumped in a cab and headed to our hideout: the Capri. As we were leaving Trisha's, sis gave me that look that said behave yourself. I know she was thinking I was taking you to the hotel to whip your ass but she was wrong that time. I behave like the perfect gentlemen and we actually had a very nice time.
Little did either of us know then but this would become or daily routine. It was only a matter of time before shit got out of control.




I STILL LOVE YOU
&
MISS YOU VERY MUCH

YOU KNOW WHO


HOW DO YOU MEND A BROKEN HEART--AL GREEN



DAILY STRUGGLES OF A ADDICT

INTRODUCTION

This is story is based on countless interviews with a gentlemen we shall refer to as D-nice. The crack epidemic is still alive and thriving. Every day when D-nice wakes up he has to take to the streets to get money to support his habit. Most people believe that people that smoke crack are stupid. Well thats not true, what they do maybe stupid but the things that some of them do to earn money takes some real creativity. This will be demonstrated throughtout D-nice's story.
After speaking with D-nice I was convinced that crack isn't the problem, its the problem(s) that the average crack smoker is running from which is the real problem. Everyone goes through problems within their lives, but how you or I would deal with them isn't the crack smokers' way. Rather than face the problem and try to resolve it one way or the other the crack smoker is content to throw a rock in his/her pipe. When that rush hit them the problem is no longer there. Of course once the high is gone the problem still exist. The crack smoker doesn't care about that. He/she is so happy in that moment of uphoria when the rush hits their brain that no problem is to big or to small for them to handle.
Sit back, relax and enjoy reading about D-nice's daily struggle to obtain his drug of choice. Maybe your eyes will be opened and you'll view crack smokers differently. They're people just like you and me, accept they have a disease that needs to be treated.



Chapter 1



I turn over in my bed and as my eyes become accustom to the light I see that my old sometimes faithful alarm clocks reads 11:25 am. I've slept half the day away due to the fact that I was up all night and most of the early hours of the morning getting twisted, smoking crack. I got lucky last night and hit the night lottery number 351 for a dollar straight which netted me $500. It was a fluke that I even thought to play the number. I was in the store buying a beer and when I looked at the time it was 3:51 pm so I decided to play that number since it was my pet number. Money doesn't usually come to me that easy, I just got lucky last night. As I turn over I see that I have company. It's Porsha my favorite girl I like to get high with. Pat has an ass that is out of this world, you could serve drinks on her ass,her head game is official and she fucks like the energizer bunny-any and every way. She's also very pretty, not the type of woman that you would think would engage in all types of sexually activity just so she can feel that rush of the almighty crack rock. As I lay back and reminisce about last nights escapdes I feel a hard on coming on. Pat is laying on her stomach, so without waking her up I mount her and slide right up in her. She lets out a loud moan and looks back at me, says good morning and contiues to throw that big black ass back at me. I'm in heaven right now enjoying every thrust until I explode and collapse on top of Porsha. After I'm done she looks back and says "you're lucky I like you, I don't usually give up no free morning pussy". I laugh and say "I bet you say that to all the guys", which elicits a smile from her.She pushes me off her, jumps off the bed and runs to the bathroom. A moment or two later I hear the shower running and decide to join her. We take turns washing each other. Then we have another good fuck and then wash each other up again. Its the best morning I've had in a long while. Most of the women I pick up usually leave once the drugs and money are gone. Porsha has a little more class about herself. She'll at least stay the night if she'd enjoyed herself plus we've developed a friendship so I get a little better treatment than most of the tricks she picks up. She knows that if she needs a place to crash or just wants a place to get high in peace; my door is always open to her. As we enjoy a cups of coffee together, we try to figure out what we're going to do for the rest of the day. We talk for a little while longer and Pat decides to go hit the streets to find another trick who will get her high in exchange for some great sex.
I'm alone now, which is usually a good thing but Porsha has been only gone five minuites and I already miss her. Porsha is a good girl, she just got caught up in the crack game and can't seem to find her out. As I'm finishing up my coffee theres a knock at my door. I figure this must be a good thing because the only time people knock at my door is either for me to go pick up some drugs for them or they have some other business proposition for me. Either way its going to be profitable for me. I yell out who is it and voice yells back "it's Milicent". I get up and open the door. Without even so much as a hello, Milicent asks me "if I feel like making a run, I got forty dollars". Of course I say yes at which point she hands me the money. As I'm about to walk out the door she says "she has something else for mr to do when I come back". I ask her "what it is?" , but she says "I'll tell you when you get back".



INSPIRATIONAL



I woke up this morning like any other morning. First thing I do is reach over to light up a cigarette to get that morning nicotine rush. I'm laying back listening to the radio and the speaker is giving his morning words of inpsiration. I usually try to listen to this guy, sometimes I hear him and other times I hear him and don't hear him if you know what I mean. Well this morning was different because the message he was giving seemed like it was patently tailored just for me.
Basically the speaker was saying "It don't matter how many or what sins you've committed in the past that GOD can still use you. While you were committing your varioud sins you were using some sort of skill and although that skill was used to do the devils work it can be used positively doing GOD'S WORK. If you feel that you've sunk so low that you don't deserve a chance to get it right, know that, thats just the devil whispering nonsense in your ear. There is no sin that you've committed that hasn't been committed by someone else before you and that GOD hasn't forgiven. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stand up and be the man or woman that you were predestined to be. You just have ask for forgiveness and come back home to GOD".
I may not have recited the exact mesage the speaker was giving because I was so caught up in what he was saying that I was like in a trance. I felt that the speaker was speaking directly to me. He was saying that GOD works through people and if this wasn't one of those cases than I don't know what was. I can't really explain how I felt at that moment but, for a brief moment I felt a sense of calm. I don't remember how long ago since I felt that way and it felt good. So I sat up and tried to apply the message to my life to see if it was really for me. To my surprise, it was.
I was raised up in church by my grandmother and over the years I've strayed from lessons I learned as a child. I not really a religious person now but I do believe in GOD. I've done some terrible things throughout my life time. I have caused a great many people pain. I've taken advantage of people's ignorance and kindness. I've neglected my responsiblitiies as a father and husband. The list of things that I've done could go on forever, but what it all boils down to is that I've committed a great many sins. It's been said that GOD forgives us of our sins. I truly believe that and that where my problem is. I don't want to be forgiven, I don't think that I deseve to be forgiven. I know GOD wouldn't see it that way but its how I feel and until I can find a way to get over that overwhelming feeling then my life will continue as it is. I know that I have the potential to do good and if I strive for good I will be successful, but do I deserve it?
This probably doesn't make much sense to many but those few of you that have been in the places that I've been in then you know what I'm saying. Maybe one day this feeling will magically lift from me and I'll be that man that GOD put me on this earth to be. Unitl then pray for me.


PEACE






DEDICATION TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER TIFFANY MICHELLE

My daughter Tiffany is was born with a heart bigger than the whole world. I didn't know it when she was growing up, (no one can tell how thier child will turn out) that she would be my only friend.


JUST THINKING OUT LOUD

My head is so cluttered I don't know where to begin. From day to day I don't know which way I'm going to go. I never know which person is going to wake up. There's the person that wants to wake and start all over--do the things I know I need to do to get my life back on track. Then there's the other person who wakes up with the same "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ATTITUDE". I'm beginning to see more of the latter peerson and I'm not happy about it but I'm not doing anything about him. I guess its just easier being miserable. Being happy requires a lot of work and to be honest I've grown to lazyto even try. I wake up and go outside and I see how "the so called normal people" go about their daily business and I wish I were one of them. I fantasize about being different people or being in different situations where the happiness that is eluding me is finally within my grasped. Then I'll catch a reflection of myself and I realize that I'm still me and things haven't changed. Everybody tells me to let go of the past. It sounds real good when its said but its so much harder to do.People seem to see in me things I don't see or probably really don't want to see. I know I can do so much better, I just don't know where to begin. There are countless people willing to help me that genuinely want to see me do good but I think my pride is standing in the way of me accepting help even though I know I need it. Maybe one day I'll wake up and smell the coffee and accept the help that is so available to me. Until then I'll just pray and take it one day at a time. Who knows maybe I'll wake up one day and surprise myself by finding that person thats been eluding me staring back at me in the mirror.

CHANGE IS GONNA COME....WHEN REMAINS TO B E SEEN!!!!!!


PEACE