Relationships, Rebuttal Clarification

    Several months ago I read an article by a friend of mine, "Realism in Relationships"   by aralls my RS frontierman! , the article disturbed me somewhat as I disagree with the basic premise of the piece.  The article states that any relationship can move from the individual taking or giving from one-hundred to ten percent on any given day.  I wrote a short essay in response to the piece basically disagreeing with the premise and presenting my own thoughts on the subject "Realism in Relationships: Rebuttal" .  I however limited my comments to the dedicated monogamous relationship.  Recently a friend stumbled upon the rebuttal and reviewed it.

    Her favorite lines in the article were, (note, I am not saying roll over and expose your throat here.) and (note, they are not rolling over to expose their soft white underbelly here).  The more I considered these two lines the more distressed I became.  I am afraid that perhaps the underlying point of the lines is lost in overall content of the essay.  Those lines were included in the rebuttal to interject a bit of humor and to illustrate a point.  The point being that an individual in a committed relationship does not give up all rights and/or cease to think independently; and does not sacrifice self respect to the chosen partner.

    (note, they are not rolling over to expose their soft white underbelly here).  It is not a statement intended to indicate that in the process of one’s giving their partner one-hundred percent that the individual forgo all claims to personal identity.  One person does not leave him/herself essentially entirely exposed and defenseless to the partner.  Likewise, (note, I am not saying roll over and expose your throat here.), should not be interpreted as total submission to the other party.

    For the following example I would briefly like to broaden the spectrum from committed couple to any relationship, including employer-employee, teacher-student, parent-child, and friend-friend.  Some modicum of self-respect, independence and room for individual opinion and personality, should be available.  This gives both parties in the relationship the responsibility of treating the other with some dignity and compassion.  Emotions or actions that I believe everyone is due until consistently proven otherwise.  Please be careful here however, the relationship and the individual in the relationship must be aware of their standing within the interaction.  It is well within an employer’s rights to ask that an employee working with the public refrain from facial piercings if they are in locations not generally accepted by the overall group (society), or certain types of dress(hence the dress code).  Likewise what an employee wears or does during the hours when not being paid are of no significance to the employer in general.

  The previous point was to illustrate that in some relationships the balance of power is skewed, and necessarily so.  A parent-child relationship is one that evolves over a lifetime and changes from the child being defenseless, to being able to care, support, and feed itself.  Throughout the relationship the parent relinquishes control or dominance as the individual grows and matures.  The teacher-student relationship is much the same on a smaller scale (or it should be, I am a believer in the Socratic method of teaching), in the course of a term, year, and academic career more freedom should be allowed to the student as the student proves able to use it in a useful manner.  Friendship, much like the committed relationship, evolves over time into a situation where both parties are comfortable with the balance of dominance/submission, or perhaps more appropriately give and take.  Unlike the committed relationship however, there is not necessarily an aspect of vulnerability.

    The committed relationship (to me that means marriage, again either heterosexual or homosexual) like all other relationships is one that changes and evolves over time.  Unlike the previous examples however, there is a commitment, publicly stated (vows) of support, caring, and dedication for a constant and extended period of time.  Exposing one’s underbelly or throat is not a part of the marriage contract.  Vulnerability is developed and revealed over time.  At the time a relationship becomes committed each party should have at the minimum some knowledge of their chosen partners fears and vulnerabilities.  Over a period of years and decades the commitment and the individuals mature.  During the evolution of the marriage, the individuals, witting or not, expose more of themselves, to their partner.  I believe this is part of the one-hundred percent idea presented in Realism in Relationships, Rebuttal.  As there are days when one partner gives and the other partner takes, vulnerabilities and fears are exposed by both.  Whether or not the vulnerabilities are overtly absorbed, they are taken in and stored for retrieval at some future time.  As life progresses each individual learns the others fears and triggers.  If, and this is a big if each partner is dedicated to the other and to the relationship these subtleties of personality are noted and, in the process of giving one-hundred percent the vulnerabilities and fears are minimized to the vulnerable partner.  That is to say one partner does what he/she can to provide solace and compassion when these fears are faced and to be dealt with.

    Over the course of a lifetime we as individuals knowingly and unknowingly expose the raw material of ourselves to our chosen partner and perhaps a select few chosen others.  Through the years and the course of life’s events we learn more of our chosen partner, we become aware of their fears and vulnerabilities, we know their soft white underbelly, we know when they roll over and expose their throat.  These are the times to give all of us, the time we were meant to provide solace, tenderness, and compassion.  These are the times when our relationship, our marriage, flourishes and the bond between us is strengthened.  It is through the oftentimes inadvertent exposure of weakness that those weaknesses can be strengthened and those fears allied.  This happens when we give ourselves to our chosen partner, one-hundred percent, whether it is in giving the comfort or accepting the comfort.  Each act requires total and unrequited commitment.