Heaven Help Us

Heaven Help Us


Setting:  Hell, a conference room.

At rise:  JESUS, ADOLF HITLER, and CHARLES MANSON sit cross-legged on the floor.  Jesus checks his watch.


JESUS
         Does anyone know where Jeffrey is?

ADOLF
         Death to the Jews!

JESUS
         That doesn’t really answer my question, Adolf.

(JEFFREY DAHMER enters, gnawing on a human arm.)

JEFFREY
                   (with his mouth full)
         Sorry I’m late.

JESUS
         It’s okay.  Please have a seat.

(Jeffrey sits on the floor, setting the arm beside him.)

JESUS
As you know, Satan asked me to come down here and help all of you work through your problems, so he can do his job instead of spending all of his time dealing with you.

CHARLES
         Why am I here?  I’m not even dead!

JESUS
No, but you will be soon enough, and Satan doesn’t want you brainwashing his minions when you get here.


CHARLES
         Why would he automatically assume I’m going to do that?

JESUS
Because it’s what you do.

CHARLES
         It’s not the only thing I do.  I’m also a brilliant songwriter.

JESUS
         Sure you are.

CHARLES
         It’s true!

JESUS
By the way, Charles…telling your followers that you were the reincarnation of me was seriously not cool!

CHARLES
         Maybe I am the reincarnation of you!  You can’t prove I’m not!

JESUS
You killed a bunch of people and carved a swastika in your forehead…case closed!

ADOLF
         You did that yourself?  It’s glorious!

CHARLES
         Thanks, Adolf!

ADOLF
         Would you do one for me?  I’d do it myself, but I’m a little squeamish.

CHARLES
         I would be honored.

ADOLF
         Yay!

(Jeffrey begins gnawing on the arm again.)


JESUS
         Jeffrey, please put that away.

JEFFREY
Oh, I’m sorry, it was rude of me not to share.  There’s enough to go around if anyone else wants some.

JESUS, ADOLF, AND CHARLES
         (in unison)
No, thanks.

JEFFREY
You don’t know what you’re missing.

CHARLES
         Cannibalism is gross, man!

JEFFREY
You say that now, but I guarantee that one bite of my Steve Jerky would change your mind.

ADOLF
         You don’t eat Jews, do you?  They’re unclean, you know.

JEFFREY
         I don’t discriminate, Adolf.  I’ll eat just about anything with a penis.

ADOLF
         You’re playing with fire, buddy!

JESUS
         Why don’t we get started?  Jeffrey, Satan tells me that you keep trying to eat him.

JEFFREY
         So?

JESUS
         He’d like you to stop.

JEFFREY
         Well, why didn’t he say so?  I’m not a mind-reader!

ADOLF
         People don’t like being eaten, Jeffrey.  Don’t you know anything?


JEFFREY
Don’t judge me!  All I did was decapitate and eat a couple of teenagers…you threw millions of Jews into gas chambers for no reason!

ADOLF
         I had plenty of reasons!

JEFFREY
         Name one!

ADOLF
         I don’t like them!

JESUS
         I’m not here to judge, Adolf-

ADOLF
                   (interrupting)
         Yes, you are.

JESUS
But there’s no way to justify what you did.  It’s only okay to kill in self-defense, and I seriously doubt that five million-

ADOLF
                   (interrupting)
         Six million.

JESUS
         Six million people attacked you, and they all happened to be Jewish.

ADOLF
         How do you know that’s not what happened?  Jews are crafty!

JESUS
         No, we aren’t!

ADOLF
                   (gasping)
         You’re a filthy Jew?!

CHARLES
         Kill him, Adolf!

(Charles pulls a knife out of his pocket and tries to hand it to Adolf, but Jesus snatches it away from him.)

JESUS
         Where did you get this?

CHARLES
         I talked the warden into giving it to me in case Dahmer tried to eat me.

JESUS
         Well, it’s mine now.

CHARLES
         Aw, Jesus, that’s not fair!
                   (staring at Jesus hypnotically and talking in a robotic voice)
Come on, just give me the knife back.  What harm could I do with it?  Everyone here is already dead.

JESUS
Yeah, but people can still feel pain here…that’s the whole point of Hell!  And why are you talking like a robot?

CHARLES
                   (still talking in a robotic voice)
         Just hand it over, Jesus.

JESUS
Give it up, Charles.  Your mind-control isn’t going to work on me.  I can’t be corrupted, remember?

CHARLES
         You suck, Jesus!

JEFFREY
         That wasn’t very nice!  Apologize to Jesus!

CHARLES
         Why do you care?  You’re a murderer and a cannibal!

JEFFREY
         And born-again Christian.

CHARLES
         You’ve got to be kidding me.

ADOLF
         At least he’s not a Jew.

CHARLES
         Adolf, even you have to admit that Jesus freaks are worse than Jews.

ADOLF
                   (dramatically)
         Never!  I will die first!

CHARLES
         You’re already dead.

ADOLF
         Then I shall die again!

JESUS
         All right, settle down, guys.

CHARLES
         Shut it, Jesus!

(Jeffrey lunges at Charles and sinks his teeth into Charles’ arm.)

CHARLES
                   (screaming)
         Give me the knife, Jesus!

JESUS
         No!

CHARLES
         Then you stab him!

JESUS
         Not a chance.

CHARLES
         Just get him off of me!

JESUS
         Jeffrey, please stop eating Charles.

(Jeffrey lets go of Charles.)

JEFFREY
         Whatever you say, Jesus!  I love you, you know.

JESUS
                   (uncomfortably)
         Thanks…  So Charles, why don’t we talk about your problems?

CHARLES
All I did was ask some people to commit a few murders…I don’t see how that’s a problem.

JESUS
         You don’t see anything wrong with that?

CHARLES
         Nope.

JESUS
         That’s why you’re going to Hell.

CHARLES
I’m not worried…I’m sure I can convince St. Peter to let me into Heaven.

JESUS
That’s the problem I’m talking about!  Why do you have an overwhelming need to convince people to do things they know they shouldn’t?

CHARLES
         I don’t know…I’ve never really thought about it.

JESUS
         Tell me about your childhood.

CHARLES
         I was born to a teenage mother who sold me for a pitcher of beer…what’s to tell?

JESUS
         How did that make you feel, Charles?

CHARLES
         I don’t know, I was young.

JESUS
         Did it make you feel unloved?

CHARLES
         I guess.

JESUS
         Were you ever reunited with your mother?

CHARLES
Yeah, but not for long.  When I was six, she was arrested for armed robbery and spent five years in prison…all because she didn’t have money for a six-pack.  I thought things would be different after she was released, but she started dating a guy who didn’t like me, so she sent me away.

JESUS
         I think I’m beginning to understand why you turned out like this.

ADOLF
         No kidding!

JESUS
When you were a child, you were your mother’s last priority.  Everything had more power over her than you did, so when she chose her boyfriend over you, you decided that from that moment forward, you would no longer be powerless!

CHARLES
I guess that makes sense.  That is when I started stealing…which led to me going to juvie and regularly sodomizing the weaker boys.

JESUS
         Which made you feel powerful!

CHARLES
         Yeah!

JEFFREY
         Tell me about it…

CHARLES
         Shut up, Dahmer!  This is my time!

JESUS
         What happened next?


CHARLES
         I grew up, got married, had a son…

JESUS
         How was your relationship with your son?

CHARLES
Nonexistent.  I was in prison when he was born, and my wife left town with him before I got out, so I’ve never actually met him.

JEFFREY
                   (putting his hand on Charles’ arm)
         That is so heartbreaking…do you need a hug?

CHARLES
         Are you hitting on me?

JEFFREY
                   (scoffing)
Please!  You’re about sixty years too old for me, grandpa!  I was just trying to comfort you…it’s the Christian thing to do.

(Jesus rolls his eyes.)

JESUS
         How do you feel about the fact that you’ve never met your son?

CHARLES
Pissed-off!  Every time one of my women has a baby, she doesn’t want me to be part of the kid’s life for some reason.  I don’t get it!

JESUS
         Most women don’t want their children growing up around criminals.

CHARLES
Then they shouldn’t have screwed me in the first place!  They all knew I’d been in prison when they met me!

JESUS
That may be true, but since you managed to talk a bunch of people into killing for you, I doubt it was that difficult for you to convince women to sleep with you.

CHARLES
         You know, now that you mention it, I have gotten a ton of women pregnant.


ADOLF
         Charlie, you dog!

(Adolf high-fives Charles.)

JESUS
         Charles, what made you decide to start a cult?

CHARLES
         I don’t know…what made you decide to start a cult?

JESUS
         I didn’t.  That was Dad’s idea.

CHARLES
Your followers have done worse things than mine have…hate crimes, abortion clinic bombings…
                   (looking at Jeffrey)
         Cannibalism.

JESUS
         This isn’t about me.

JEFFREY
         Yeah, leave Jesus out of this!

CHARLES
         Shut it, Jeffrey!

JEFFREY
         Can I please eat him, Jesus?

JESUS
         No.

JEFFREY
         But he’s a jerk!

JESUS
         I don’t care.  You’re not eating anyone during group therapy!

JEFFREY
                   (pouting)
         Fine.

JESUS
         Charles, we were talking about your cult.

CHARLES
Oh, right.  When I was in prison, I started studying Scientology, and what that religion does is teach you how to brainwash people with low self-esteem.  So when I got out, I decided to try it…and next thing I know, seven people are dead!

JESUS
         How did you convince them to murder all those innocent people?

CHARLES
         I just looked at them like this-

(Charles stares hypnotically into Jesus’ eyes.)

CHARLES (CONT’D)
         And they’d do whatever I told them to.

JESUS
         It didn’t work on me earlier.

CHARLES
         Well, you’re a freak of nature.  It works on regular people.

(Charles turns his creepy gaze to Jeffrey.)

CHARLES
                   (in a robotic voice)
         Dahmer, go eat Hitler.

(In a trance, Jeffrey leans over and bites Adolf’s leg.)

ADOLF
                   (screaming)
         If there’s even a trace of Jew in your saliva, I will destroy you, Jeffrey!

CHARLES
         See?

JESUS
That doesn’t prove anything!  Jeffrey’s always looking for an excuse to eat someone!

CHARLES
         Whatever.

JESUS
         Jeffrey, stop eating Adolf’s leg!

(Jeffrey ignores Jesus.)

CHARLES
                   (in a robotic voice)
         You can stop now, cannibal.

(Jeffrey snaps out of his trance.)

JEFFREY
                   (dazed)
         What happened?

CHARLES
         Don’t worry about it.

JESUS
Why are you still using the Scientology mind tricks on people?  I get that you like feeling powerful, but the fact that your followers murdered seven people just because you told them to should’ve done the trick!

CHARLES
Adolf slaughtered millions of Jews, but that didn’t make him want to stop killing them after the Holocaust.

JESUS
Adolf killed himself before the war was even over, so he didn’t kill any more Jews after the Holocaust.

ADOLF
         But I never stopped wanting to!

CHARLES
         That’s the spirit!


JESUS
         All right, Adolf, your turn.

ADOLF
         Finally!

JESUS
         Seriously, what is your deal with the Jews?

ADOLF
         I told you…I don’t like them.

JESUS
         Why don’t you like them?

ADOLF
         Do I really need a reason?

JESUS
         Yes.

ADOLF
         Fine.  They’re sneaky, whiny, cheap-

JESUS
                   (interrupting)
         Those are just stereotypes, Adolf.

ADOLF
         They’re disgusting…with their dark hair and beady little eyes.

JESUS
         That’s what you look like.

ADOLF
         No, it isn’t.  I’m the leader of the Master Race…I have blond hair and blue eyes.

JESUS
         Charles, did you use your mind control on Adolf when I wasn’t looking?

CHARLES
I had nothing to do with that.  If Hitler thinks he’s a blond, it’s because he’s delusional.

JESUS
That does make sense…I’ve always wondered why he tried to create a Master Race by ridding the world of people who looked like him.

ADOLF
         They did not look like me!  I am blond and beautiful!

JEFFREY
         Think again, girlfriend!

(Jeffrey takes a compact out of his pocket and opens it up so Hitler can see his reflection.)

ADOLF
                   (screaming)
         Jew!  Kill it!  Kill it!

JEFFREY
         That’s you, Adolf.

ADOLF
         It can’t be!

(Adolf tweaks his mustache while watching himself in the mirror.)

ADOLF
         I’m hideous!

JESUS
         That’s not true, Adolf.  You’re only hideous on the inside.

ADOLF
         Thanks, Jesus!  I feel the same way about you.

CHARLES
                   (chuckling)
         Burn!

JEFFREY
Whatever…there is nothing hideous about Jesus.  He’s perfect…I could just eat him up!

CHARLES
         Do it!

JESUS
         Please don’t.

ADOLF
         Don’t do it, Jeffrey!  You’ll catch some kind of Jew disease!

JESUS
         There’s no such thing as a “Jew disease”!

ADOLF
You’d love for me to believe that, wouldn’t you?  You’re the craftiest of all the Jews!

JESUS
         I’m not crafty, I’m magic!  There’s a difference!

ADOLF
         Barely.

JESUS
Adolf, I’d really like to help you figure out why you have such an intense hatred for my people.  Why don’t you tell me about your family?

ADOLF
         I have no family!  Adolf Hitler is a lone wolf!

JESUS
         All right then.  When did you start hating the Jews?

ADOLF
         I believe it was right around the time I dropped out of high school.

JESUS
         Why did you drop out?

ADOLF
I was depressed.  My girlfriend dumped me for that loser Saul Liebowitz, and I just didn’t feel like going to school any more.

JESUS
         Your girlfriend dumped you for a Jewish guy?

ADOLF
         You know, I never really thought about it, but I guess he was Jewish…

JESUS
         Adolf, that’s why you hate Jews!

CHARLES
You slaughtered millions of Jews just because one of them pissed you off?  That is so badass!

JESUS
         No, it isn’t, Charles.  It’s awful and wrong!

ADOLF
I thought I hated the Jews, but I really just hated one Jew!  Saul Liebowitz is the only one who needed to die!  What have I done?

JESUS
This is a huge breakthrough, Adolf!  I was starting to think you’d never realize that the Holocaust was a huge mistake!

ADOLF
         No wonder everybody hates me…I was a real asshole back then.

JESUS
         No argument here.

ADOLF
I apologize for killing your people, Jesus.  I now realize it’s wrong to hate people based on their race or religion…you should get to know someone before you decide to kill them.

JESUS
         So you’ll stop throwing Jews in the lava pit?

ADOLF
         Sure…unless that Liebowitz bastard is down here.  That guy has it coming!

JESUS
I think that’s a fair compromise.  What about you, Charles?  Will you promise me that after you die, you won’t brainwash everyone in Hell?


CHARLES
         But I love brainwashing people!

JESUS
         If you don’t agree to it, Satan will put you in charge of Karaoke Thursday.

CHARLES
                   (gasping)
He wouldn’t!  I haven’t done anything bad enough to warrant that kind of punishment!

JESUS
Then make me a promise, Charles.

CHARLES
Fine!  I’ll give up mind control once I get to Hell…I’ll just focus on my music instead.

JESUS
         Or you could find another hobby.

CHARLES
         I think I’ll stick with the music…I have a gift.

JESUS
Okay.  Jeffrey, you’re going to stop eating people, right?

JEFFREY
I didn’t agree to that.  I’ll stop trying to eat Satan, but I can’t give up man meat completely!

JESUS
Why can’t you just eat beef and chicken like everyone else does?

JEFFREY
         It’s not the same!  Once you get a taste for human, it never goes away!

JESUS
All right.  Will you at least agree to stop doing it in front of people?  It’s really disgusting.

JEFFREY
         Sure, that seems reasonable.

JESUS
         Well, I guess my work here is done.  I’ll go tell Satan the good news.

(Jesus exits.)

ADOLF AND CHARLES
                   (in unison)
         Sucker!

(Adolf and Charles laugh.  Jeffrey gnaws on the half-eaten arm as the lights fade to black.)


Copyright ©2008
By Crystal Smith