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Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a great day. If keep telling myself over and over again in my head, maybe I will actually begin to believe my own words.

Yesterday wasn’t such a good day. Yesterday was one of my darkest days in my life. I was so full of pain, of thoughts not quite my own. I was so confused I drank so much vodka, got so drunk and puked my insides out. I did all of this and I did it in front of my two innocent and loving daughters. My oldest daughter cleaned up my puke messes I left behind as I made my way to hug the toilet. She even tied my long brown dangling hair back into a ponytail so I wouldn’t puke in it. She did this all for me with a smile on her face. All she wanted was for her mommy to feel better.

Oh how I am embarrassed. I am so ashamed of myself and my actions. How could I have been so stupid and let myself lose so much control of myself? I am always a person of so much control. I obey the rules as they should be, but yet yesterday I lost it...I lost myself in my thoughts. I felt so lost. Which path to choose? How to find myself again through the fog?
I used to be the girl next door, the girl people wanted to be like. The girl other girls envied and the girl all the boys wanted to be with. I was so adored and now I lost it. I lost it all. I am no longer that girl and not too sure if I ever will be again.

The past year has really taken a toll on my. My ego, my self esteem have really been damaged. I am constantly jealous about things, even the smallest of things. When did I become that way? I was never a jealous person. My once happy mood now shifts back and forth from happy to sad to even depressed. The life I once lived has spun out of control. Where to go from here? I need to find a happy balance in my life – some fulfillment!