Can You Repeat That, Please?

Can You Repeat That, Please?



“May I have your name, sir?”

“Yes, officer, I am Ka’lang of the Indirian Trade Security Office.”

“Can you tell me what happened, sir?”

“Those two ruffians attacked me, officer. What is this planet Earth coming to when an official delegate of Earth’s largest trading partner is accosted right outside his office?”

“Please, sir, there’s no need to get upset. But, you do understand that we have to investigate when unarmed people get vaporized by death rays in broad daylight in the middle of a major city.”

“Yes, yes, I am sorry, Officer. I – how do you say it – apologize profusely. English is such a difficult language to master.”

“I sometimes have trouble with it myself, sir, and I was born here. Now, about the two young men.”

“Oh, yes, I came outside to get a breath of glorious smog from the exhaust of passing vehicles when these two ruffians walked up close to me, standing right by that sign there.”

“You do realize that’s a bus stop, don’t you? What makes you think they weren’t just waiting for the bus?”

“Because of their threatening manner, officer. They kept talking about how they had dropped out of school and how they did not need to learn stuff from someone called The Man. Then, they said something about busting a cap, whatever that means. It sounded threatening to me, sir. But, I wanted to be law-abiding so I paid them no attention.”

“I see. And then what happened, sir?”

“They kept looking at their wrists and then at me. One of them sneered at me and waved his hand in my direction, but the other urged him on. The second one threatened me directly and sent the first one at me.”

“Okay, sir, you understand that neither man had a weapon, don’t you?”

“Is an axe a weapon, officer?”

“Excuse me?”

“An axe. Is an axe a weapon, sir?”

“Yes, it can be used as a deadly weapon.”

“Well, then, I have the threat recorded on my miniature monitoring device. Had I turned it on when I first came outside, we should not be talking now. Very careless of me.”

“I just need to verify the circumstances, sir. How did the man attack you?”

“Why the second man kept saying ‘just axe him, man, just axe him.’ The first one raised his hand – the one he was not using to hold up his pants – and waved it at me as he came at me. I had no choice but to defend myself.”

“Okay, sir, let me explain what happened. Unfortunately, the two young men did not feel it necessary to bone up on their English skills. When they looked at their wrists and said ‘just axe him,’ I believe they were trying to ask you for the time.”

“But, how does ask become axe? What kind of English is that, officer? Oh, oh, my goodness, did I miss one of those strange American colloquialisms, like when people add ‘e-d’ to the past tense of words that do not need them, like ‘boned’ and ‘skinned’?”

“It can take a while to master the language, even for native speakers. Look, sir, I understand the mix-up, but there will have to be a formal inquiry and I understand that this is not the first incident you’ve had with the less-than-stellar grammar skills of our citizens.’

“Ahem, yes, I did have a particularly rough time in the place you call Appalachia. For the life of me, I still don’t know what is meant by ‘fittinta,’ ‘galdurned’ and ‘yetonyoutahere.’ Oh, here comes my superior. This is Al’kang, officer.”

“Mr. Al’kang, your employee here has caused another interplanetary incident.”

“I apologize sincerely, Officer. Ka’lang is astutely aware of language and strives to listen carefully to the words spoken to him. He sometimes can take them literally. I can promise you that he will be out of your hair, as you say, until this incident is dealt with.”

“Thank you, sir. I realize you do have diplomatic and trade immunity but your paychecks will more than likely be much smaller for the foreseeable future. Do you have a place where your, eh, your employee here can stay quiet and out of trouble until the official inquiry?”

“Yes, officer. I have the perfect spot. I can guarantee you he will not have any problems there.”

“Well, then, sir, I am authorized to let you take charge of him until the hearing. Thank you for your time.”

“Ka’lang, you fool, you have done it again. One more incident and we could lose this valuable contract for not just America, but the entire continent. If we lose this, we'll lose our heads. Do you not understand that?”

“I am sorry, Al’kang. I am trying to understand them, but their language is so difficult.”

“Well, to make sure you understand, I am sending you to a new assignment. This is your last chance and, since it's my neck on the line, too, I am making sure you cannot mess this up. Here's the company brochure on your new outpost. It is so out of the way and the humans so close-knit that you could not possibly misunderstand them.”

“I will do my utmost to not only let us keep our heads, Al'kang, but make our people proud as well. I can assure you wholeheartedly that I will not have any problems. I am sure I will become fast friends with these people, these...these...Cajuns."