Wizard Zalem's Back Room

WIZARD ZALEM’S BACK ROOM
or
YET ANOTHER LOVE-POTION COMEDY

CAST
TWISP—Apprentice to Wizard Zalem
FORTINBRAS (FORT)—Brother of Mara
MARA—Sister of Fortinbras
ROLAN—Newcomer to the town
ZALEM—Town Wizard
TRELLIS—Cousin of Wizard Zalem; also a wizard

ACT I

SCENE 1
In Wizard Zalem’s back room
Twisp is at the bar, reading. Fort is seated at the bar.

Enter Zalem

ZALEM
So, Twisp my boy, still hard at the reading I assigned you?

TWISP
Yes, Master. I must admit it is quite difficult to understand. Especially this part about “Wizards’ Duty.”

ZALEM
Ah, yes. It’s a simple concept, really, but one all wizards must understand. You see, all of us with wizardly skills have a responsibility to use them to help others. Not to help ourselves. Because that never ends well.

TWISP
Why not? I think a world run by wizards would be much nicer. We could change things, make them better—

ZALEM
And mercilessly stamp out anyone who gets in our way?

TWISP
Well of course.

ZALEM
Yeah. Keep studying that book, my boy. I must return to my work. Keep your eyes open for those in need of your skills.

Exit Zalem

Twisp returns to reading

Enter Rolan

TWISP
Hello. Welcome to Wizard Zalem’s back room.

ROLAN
Ah, sorry, I was looking for the tavern.

TWISP
No, no. This is it. Well, at least this is where everyone comes to have a drink.

ROLAN
They go to a wizard’s house to have a drink?

TWISP
Yep.

FORT
Say, I don’t think I’ve seen you about town before. What brings you here? What is your name?

ROLAN
My name is Rolan. I’ve come looking for work. The smith said he could use help, so I think I‘ll stay a while.

TWISP
Pleased to meet you. Mister Rolan. I’m Twisp, Wizard Zalem’s apprentice. This is Fortinbras. He and his sister live by the church.

FORT
Call me Fort.

ROLAN
How do you do? Well, a church and a wizard in the same town? I never thought I’d see that. You don’t have any trouble between you?

TWISP
Oh, no. The church burned down years ago.

ROLAN
Oh.

Enter Mara

MARA
Fort! There you are. I’ve been looking everywh—

FORT
This is my sister, Mara. Mara, this is Rolan.

ROLAN
How do you do?

MARA
V-very well, Sir.

ROLAN
It has been a pleasure to meet you all, but I must go. Good day.

TWISP
Good day, Mister Rolan.

Exit Rolan

FORT
He seems a nice enough lad.

MARA
I love him.

FORT & TWISP
You what?

FORT
Oh, Mara, not again! I thought you were in love with the butcher. You told me so last week!

MARA
The who?... Oh, I’ve never felt this way! Rolan. Rolan! His name is sweeter on my tongue than honey! Oh, I must see him again!

TWISP
He said he was working at the smithy—

FORT
Shut it, boy!

MARA
The smithy! Come, Fort, we must go at once! Oh!

Exit Mara & Fort

TWISP
Huh. Not even a wizard could help with that.

Exeunt

SCENE 2
In the smithy
Rolan is sweeping the floors

Enter Mara & Fort

FORT
I don’t think this is a good idea, sister.

MARA
How shall I know if he feels the same as I if I do not ask him? Wait outside, Fort.

Exit Fort

ROLAN
May I help you with something, miss? The smith is not here now.

MARA
No, Sir. ‘Tis not the smith I seek. I hath come to speak of my love for thee, dearest, sweetest, Rolan.

ROLAN
What! Love? But you do not know me!

MARA
I know that when mine eyes beheld thee mine heart nigh burst from my breast! All my world was brighter for thou being in’t. I know that I love thee more than the sun, the moon, and the stars! I love thee more than food, or water! More than life! Tell me truly. Do you not feel the same?

ROLAN
My dear madam! Have you lost your senses?

MARA
Do say it again!

ROLAN
Have you lost your senses?

MARA
No, not that. The part where you called me your dear!

ROLAN
Release me at once, lady! Have you no shame?

MARA
Why should I be ashamed of my love for you?

ROLAN
Argh! I tell you your love is in vain, woman!

MARA
What? You mean you do not love me?

ROLAN
No! How could I? We only met ten minutes ago!

MARA
But let us only pass more time together, sweetest Rolan. I will soon convince you.

ROLAN
No! No. I implore you, lady. Leave me in peace! I cannot love you.

MARA
Why ever not?

ROLAN
I—

MARA
Is it your father? He could not possibly disapprove of me. I come from a very respectable family.

ROLAN
No, I—

MARA
Oh! Have you a terrible disease that will take your life tomorrow? Tell me if it is so, and let me catch it that we may die together!

ROLAN
I— What did you have to drink at that wizard’s house?

MARA
Nothing at all, darling.

ROLAN
Then, what did I have to drink?

MARA
Oh, what does it matter? What does anything matter so long as we’re together?

Enter Fort

FORT
Leave the poor man alone, Mara.

MARA
Fort! You were eavesdropping! Shame on you! Listening in on a lady and her lover!

ROLAN
Please take your sister off me, good sir.

FORT
I’m terribly sorry about this.

ROLAN
Just go. I have work to do.

MARA
Oh, Fort! You brute! To tear me from the arms of my love!

FORT
More like to take you off his hands.

MARA
Goodnight, Rolan, my love! I shall see you on the morrow!

Exit Mara & Fort

ROLAN
Good Heavens!

Exeunt

SCENE 3
In Wizard Zalem’s back room
Twisp is at the bar, studying. No one else is there

Enter Trellis

TRELLIS
Good morning.

TWISP
Master? I thought you were still asleep. Oh, I’m sorry. I took you for my master, Wizard Zalem. You do sound much like him.

TRELLIS
I’m not surprised. He is my cousin. My name is Trellis. I take it you’re Zalem’s apprentice.

TWISP
Yes. I’m Twisp. Shall I go wake my master?

Enter Zalem

ZALEM
No need. No need.

TRELLIS
It has been a long time, cousin.

ZALEM
It has indeed. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?

TRELLIS
I’m just traveling, as usual. I thought I might stop by.

ZALEM
You are welcome for as long as you like. I hope you’ll be with us at least a week?

TRELLIS
Oh, I don’t know. A day or two perhaps.

ZALEM
Well, you must take Twisp’s room. I’m sure my pupil wouldn’t mind if I just made up a bed for him in my own chamber.

TWISP
Er—

TRELLIS
I won’t hear of that. No. Your poor apprentice shan’t be able to learn if you keep him up all night with your snoring. I’m sure you’ve a sofa somewhere. That will be good enough for me.

ZALEM
As you insist. Now that it’s settled, would you like to follow me to my workshop? I’d appreciate your opinion on an experiment of mine.

TRELLIS
Certainly.

Exit Zalem & Trellis

TWISP
Whew, that was lucky. I’m not sure I would be able to keep up this ruse if I did not have my own chamber.

Twisp removes her cap which has been concealing fairly long hair

TWISP
Imagine if my master discovered I am not a boy! That would be the end of my education! And I’ve no family to return to should I be sent away.

Twisp nervously puts on the cap again

Enter Zalem

ZALEM
Twisp. Trellis and I are going to be working for a while. You’re not to disturb us.

TWISP
Yes, Master.

ZALEM
Very good. Ah… who were you talking to just now?

TWISP
Er, nobody. Just myself.

ZALEM
Oh, excellent! We’ll make a wizard out of you yet, my boy.

Exit Zalem

Twisp adjusts her cap.

Enter Mara

MARA
Twisp! Oh give me something to drink, Twisp. It’s been three days since dear Rolan came. He hides away all day in the smithy, and the smith turns me out every time he finds me there. My own brother helps him do it! What am I to do, Twisp? I begin to think my sweet Rolan does not love me at all. You’re a boy, almost a man, Twisp. Tell me why men act so strange!

TWISP
Er… there are many men in this town Mara. Why not pursue another?

MARA
Because Rolan is my true love! I knew from the moment I saw him that we were meant to be! Don’t you understand, Twisp? My life is worth nothing if Rolan will not love me.

TWISP
Hmm. Do not fret, Mara. I’m sure in a day or two Rolan will change his mind.

MARA
Do you really think so?

TWISP
Sure. You’ll see.

MARA
Thank you, Twisp!

Exit Mara

TWISP
Heh. Getting my hands on a love potion recipe shouldn’t be too difficult. And it’s my duty to help, isn’t it?

Exeunt

SCENE 4
In the burned-out church
Twisp is waiting

Enter Fort

FORT
Alright, Twisp. What’s so secret you’ve got to tell me here, in the burned-out church, and not at Zalem’s?

TWISP
I think I’ve found a solution to Mara’s problems.

FORT
A large hammer?

TWISP
No. This. It’s a love potion. It’ll make any man who drinks it fall in love with the first girl he sees.

FORT
No, no, no, no. I’m not going to help you pour that brew down Rolan’s throat. It isn’t right to force him to love my sister when he obviously doesn’t want to.

TWISP
Mara says she’ll die if Rolan doesn’t love her!

FORT
She says.

TWISP
But think! If Rolan falls in love with her they’ll get married and you’ll never have to deal with Mara’s fits of love again! Rolan will be happy, Mara will be happy, and you’ll be happy!

FORT
You have a point…. How will we do it?

TWISP
Tonight, you invite Rolan to my master’s for a drink. I’ll serve two drinks, one with the potion in it. Then I’ll go fetch Mara. As soon as Rolan sees her….

FORT
Yes, Twisp! You’re a genius! I’ll go talk to Rolan now. You get back to Zalem’s.

Exit Fort

TWISP
I shall have to be certain Rolan sees Mara before he sees me…. Ugh. Yes, definitely have to be careful. Besides, it would spoil my deception.

Exeunt

Scene 5
In Wizard Zalem’s back room
Twisp is at the bar

Enter Fort & Rolan

ROLAN
I’m quite glad you invited me, Fort, for there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. ‘Lo, Twisp.

TWISP
Good evening, Rolan, Fort.

Rolan and Fort sit at the bar

FORT
What is it, then, Rolan?

ROLAN
I’ve tried to tell your sister a hundred times, but she just won’t listen to a word I say.

Twisp sets out two mugs

Exit Twisp

FORT
Go on.

ROLAN
You see, I’m already engaged to be married.

FORT
What!

ROLAN
I came looking for work so I could have enough money to buy a farm and build a house.

FORT
Why didn’t you say anything three days ago?

ROLAN
Well, one doesn’t exactly go ‘round introducing oneself to strangers with that. “Hello, I’m Rolan. I’m engaged.” No.

FORT
But—

Rolan reaches for his mug. Fort grabs it from him.

FORT
Ah, sorry, this one’s mine. Twisp puts a few herbs in to stop the pain in my, uh… heel!

Fort downs the mug’s contents

FORT
You’ve got to go tell Mara right away. I don’t care that she hasn’t listened before. You have to make her understand!

ROLAN
I was hoping you would—

FORT
Good heavens, no! I can’t see her now! I mean— She has to hear it from you or she won’t believe it.

Fort shoves Rolan toward the door

FORT
Go tell her right now. She’s on her way here.

ROLAN
What? I—

FORT
Go!

Exit Rolan

Fort goes back to sit at the bar, looks at his mug in disgust

FORT
Brilliant, Fort. Naturally the only way to stop Rolan from taking the potion was to drink it yourself. I’ll just have to not look at any girls. Twisp can help me. He’ll know what to do.

Fort lays his head on the bar

Enter Twisp

TWISP
Fort! What happened? I just saw Rolan come racing out to talk to Mara, but he didn’t seem to have taken the potion.

FORT
He didn’t drink it. I couldn’t let him after he told me he’s already engaged to another woman.

TWISP
He’s what?

Fort raises his head

FORT
Twisp! I’ve never noticed how beautiful you are!

TWISP
Oh no. Ohhhhhhhhh no.

Fort leaps up and grabs the cap from Twisp’s head

FORT
Aha! A woman! Twisp—what a beautiful name! Twisp, I do believe I love you.

TWISP
No! You’re not yourself, Fort! You drank a love potion!

FORT
Why ever would I do a thing like that? No, I really do love you Twisp.

TWISP
Fort! Let me go! You don’t remember drinking the potion? Rolan was engaged! Remember!

FORT
Engaged? A grand idea! Beautiful, loveliest Twisp, love of my life, will you marry me?

TWISP
Argh! No!

Twisp runs for it

Exit Twisp

FORT
But, dearest, won’t you reconsider?

Exit Fort

Enter Zalem

He sniffs the air, follows the scent to Fort’s mug

ZALEM
Ah, yes. Love potion. Judging from the racket just now, it seems my apprentice has made a mess of things. I suppose it’s my job to set everything right again…. Nah. She’ll figure it out.

Exeunt


ACT II

SCENE 1
In Wizard Zalem’s back room
Twisp is at the bar

Enter Mara

MARA
Oh, Twisp! I’ve been tricked, hoodwinked, played for a fool! Rolan was engaged the whole time, the villain! Worse yet, he’ll be staying in town for who knows how long, and I’ll have to see him around and be reminded of his cruelty. Oh, to let me go on in love with him when he was already promised! Rat!

TWISP
There, there, Mara. You’ll feel better in a few weeks. Some other man will catch your eye.

MARA
I declare I shall never love another! My heart cannot bear to be broken like this again.

Enter Fort

MARA
Oh, Fort, brother! I am in distress. Comfort me.

FORT
I came not to pass time with sorrow, rather to win the heart of my love.

MARA
Why do you speak so strangely?

FORT
You do the same when you’re in love, sister.

MARA
Speak not of love, brother. It has wronged me.

FORT
I cannot help but speak of love when my beloved is so near.

MARA
So who is this girl?

FORT
You know her quite well. It is Twisp, mine angel, mine own.

MARA
Twisp!? The wizard’s boy?

TWISP
I can explain—

MARA
No need. I can see that my brother is quite drunk.

FORT
Aye. I admit! Drunk on the sweet nectar of love.

MARA
You make me ill.

TWISP
I as well. The sooner your brother is back to normal, the better. I have errands to run. Good morning.

FORT
May I come with you?

TWISP
Do I have any choice?

FORT
Not a chance.

Exit Twisp & Fort

MARA
My love has duped me and my brother is chasing after a little boy. Alas, the world has no sense anymore.

Enter Trellis

TRELLIS
Good morning, miss.

MARA
Good morning. I don’t think we’ve been introduced.

TRELLIS
I am Trellis, Zalem’s cousin. And what is your name, fair maiden?

MARA
I am Mara. I was just leaving.

TRELLIS
May I escort you home?

MARA
If you like.

Exeunt

SCENE 2
In the burned-out church
Twisp is there

Enter Fort

FORT
Ha! I’ve found you! What a wonderful idea. This old church is quite a romantic meeting place.

TWISP
I was thinking more along the lines of a hiding place. Drat. And there I was thinking I’d finally lost you.

FORT
Oh, dearest of dears, you are unhappy! Tell me what is troubling you.

TWISP
Mainly that I can’t find any way to counteract the potion you swallowed. Fort, it’s all wrong. When you thought I was a boy we were good friends. I’ll admit I even admired you a little. But now that you’re pursuing me like this, and I know that it’s not real and will only last until I find a solution, I don’t know how to feel about it.

FORT
I know of a solution to all those problems.

TWISP
A large hammer?

FORT
No. My love, why not stop looking for a cure to this potion? Why not let yourself be happy in knowing I will always love you?

TWISP
But I wanted to be a wizard, not a wife.

FORT
Why not both? We can wait to be married until you finish your apprenticeship. If I but have your word, I can wait for you until the stars fall from the sky, the grass grows red, and the ocean turns to yogurt.

TWISP
You are very sweet…. I’ll give you my answer tonight. Come to my master’s later.

FORT
Have I told you today how very much I love you, Twisp?

TWISP
Yes. Repeatedly.

Exeunt

SCENE 3
In Wizard Zalem’s back room
Twisp is at the bar, thinking

Enter Zalem

ZALEM
Hi, Twisp, I’ve found that book you were looking for: “13 Steps to Negating Love Potions.”

TWISP
Oh, I don’t need it now, Master.

ZALEM
So, your problem has been fixed already?

TWISP
Not…exactly.

ZALEM
My dear girl—yes, I’ve known you were a girl since you walked in my door those years ago. My dear girl, what you’re trying to do is a direct violation of Wizards’ Duty.

TWISP
What? But I didn’t mean for Fort to fall in love with me. I wasn’t trying to help myself.

ZALEM
It doesn’t matter what you were trying to do. You’ve got to set him right. Even if you did accept his love do you really think you could be happy knowing it was all started by a potion?

TWISP
I…suppose not…

ZALEM
Right, so get on with brewing that antidote.

TWISP
You know, it’s kind of creepy how much you know.

ZALEM
That’s what makes me a wizard, my boy!

Exeunt

SCENE 4
In Wizard Zalem’s back room
Twisp is at the bar

Enter Fort

FORT
Twisp, my sweet, have you decided?

TWISP
Yes. Let’s have a drink, Fort, and I’ll tell you my decision.

Twisp gives him a mug. Fort drinks

TWISP
When you drank the love potion you didn’t remember much from before that. I don’t know how much you’ll remember of the last few days with this antidote.

FORT
Good heavens, Twisp! I remember everything. How shameful! I’m so sorry. I’ve been a perfect nuisance ever since I drank that blasted potion. …. This…is awkward. Good evening.

Exit Fort

Twisp stands looking after him for a moment

Exeunt

SCENE 5
In Wizard Zalem’s back room

Enter Fort & Zalem

ZALEM
No, I’m quite certain the love potion’s effects have been completely neutralized.

FORT
But it’s been three days and I still—

ZALEM
You still feel something for her.

FORT
Yes.

ZALEM
That’s only natural.

FORT
Because of the love potion, you mean?

ZALEM
Not at all. Because she’s a delightful girl.

FORT
She is. But I’m sure she can only feel disgust for me now.

ZALEM
You may be surprised. How has your sister been?

FORT
Better. Mara is getting over Rolan very quickly. It seems Trellis was just the friend she needed.

Enter Twisp

TWISP
I’ve finished cleaning up the workshop, Master. Where are those files you wanted me to sort out?

ZALEM
Never mind those. You’ve enough sorting out to do.

Exit Zalem

FORT
Good morning, Twisp.

TWISP
Good morning.

FORT
Nice, er, weather we’ve been having.

TWISP
Quite.

FORT
It was so much easier to talk to you when you were a boy!

TWISP
I know what you mean. Listen, Fort, I don’t hate you. I’m not angry. If you want we can be friends again like before. It could be nice, now that you know I’m a woman.

FORT
Twisp, you don’t know how relieved I am that you don’t despise me.

TWISP
Actually, Fort, I really like you. If your love for me had been genuine…. But it wasn’t you saying those words….

FORT
But, Twisp! I thought at first it was an aftereffect—but it’s been three days now. I do love you!

TWISP
You do? Fort, I—

Enter Rolan

ROLAN
Fort! I went to call on you and I found a note from Mara. She’s gone off with—

Enter Zalem

ZALEM
Twisp? Did Trellis say anything to you about leaving? All his things are gone…. Ah. Oi, Rolan, there’s a very important thing I need to talk to you about.

Exit Rolan & Zalem

TWISP
Fort, I wasn’t going to make the antidote. I had to because it was my duty as a wizard. I wanted you to keep loving me. I love you, Fort.

FORT
Do you still want to get married after your apprenticeship?

TWISP
Yes.

FORT
Then we just have one problem. Most of the town still believes you’re a boy.

TWISP
That’s nothing a large hammer won’t solve.

Exeunt

THE END