Ego sum Infinitus Devia

A tumult of thunder burst from the depths of the darkened sky. It shook the clouds, and they released their heavy rain in full. He watched pensively as the useless tears soaked the dead ground. How disappointing. It was autumn. The water was unnecessary to the shriveled roots and skeletal trees.

The fur on the auburn wolf fell flat and slick against his neck, dangling in clumps on his heavy ruff. He could feel it chilling his very soul as it trailed past the outer coat and made rivers along his skin. He shivered against it and the water trickled faster still, sliding over his smooth muzzle, puddling on the divot right before his nose began. Globes of rainwater collected in the arch of his dull black claw, filling in the white, crescent-shaped cracks that had formed from running and killing and living the life of a beast. He was a large, formidable animal. And he was lonely, so very, very lonely. He snorted a droplet of water out his nostril; the forest was not a forgiving place. But where was?

He felt his voice scraped itself for a sound. How often he had cried, face pointed to the sky. It gurgled up from the depths of his wounded heart, the howl splitting the raw air in a shrill key, cutting through the rain like the sharpest blade and finally hanging up high with the clouds. It was helpless and mournful, like a pup's mewl. Even after he cut it off, for his throat could stand it no longer, he could almost see it, writhing about in the air like a snake before plummeting back to the earth.

No call, distant or close, filled the empty answer.

The hollow feeling in his chest expanded, and he whimpered to himself as he traipsed onward through the woods. He did not want to be alone forever. He was a pack wolf that thrived on the joy of a family. But he was not wanted by this world or perhaps by any. It scared him to be by himself. He wanted to find someone, anyone, before this awful feeling of solitude swallowed him completely.

There was no refuge from the downpour, so it made no sense to stop his quest for love. He was tired and hungry. Saliva lathered at the corners of his black lips. His cornhusk eyes were rimmed with exhaustion. But he could not feel lack of sleep or food. His one-track mind told him to keep moving, and so he did, relentlessly ignorant of his own needs.

He had been so careless.

It was the alpha, of course, the most important one in a pack. He was beta. He was high in society. But still not good enough. The alpha was the most important one, after all. He should have expected such a thing from the rest. The natural reaction to such outgoing behavior. Their natural reaction to the flash of fangs, the ring of claw on claw. To smell the adrenaline like rotting meat in their mouths. To attack the king himself. And knights would always come to their king's aid. Even if they thought the advisor was right. Even if he was saving their lives.

He had been so careless.

The red wolf was so wrapped up in his reminiscence that he didn't notice the smell until it hit him head-on. The thick scent of another. A female, not much older than three years, in peak condition, salty blood flavoring the air from her kill. He saw her out in a clearing with a yearling doe's neck crushed between her strong jaws. Muscles rippled under silver fur, her amber eyes distracted from the wolf before her, so focused was she on the prey.

When the she-wolf felt the steady pulse halt, she released and licked at the seeping gash she had created there. The male wolf felt his stomach whine but ignored it; if he went out now, she would only think he was trying to take her food.

An hour passed when the pale female finally stopped, her belly round with the meal. That was when he decided to make his move. Wagging his tail gently, he slunk towards her and extended his tongue. Instinct had thrown him for a loop. All he had wanted originally was simple friendship; now visions of a new pack, a new position for himself, were startling him into a dizzy state.

She looked at him with a look of fury. Her shadowed eyes squinted back into her skull as her temples squeezed down on them in a look of menace made even more demeaning by her the young blood spattered across her wrinkled snout. She wanted nothing to do with him. Unlike the male before her, self sufficiency suited her for the time being. She showed him her teeth and pointed her tail to the hidden moon, unintimidated. A growl reverberated in her lungs and stained the evening's silence.

The red male hesitated. Did she not want a life such as his? He was so desperate. He rolled onto his back and showed her his belly. If she wanted to attack, to rip him skin from bone, the opportunity was open for her.

And she took it without a trace of mercy.

He sprung away before she could pierce the flesh and dashed off, her scent blurring behind him. Turned away again. Seen as wrong and unwanted in the eyes of all. Was there any hope in the world? Any trust left?

To stand up against his alpha was wrong. But how would they survive against it? The alpha was strong-headed, he didn't always listen. He was born with his ears tuned to no voice but his own. He did not consider his pups. They were hungry always. They pined always. They bled their mother of her milk. She needed food so she could replenish her little ones. It was not a good time for food though it was summer. He was foolish. He bit the alpha's ear for he would not pay attention. The alpha struck back with contempt fogging his vision. When he said go after the bear he wanted them to obey. It was strong. It could kill them all with sheer force. It was a wasted effort. The pups would not live without a food source. They couldn't. The alpha was not thinking. The red wolf thought. The red wolf was bitten down by his packmates. The red wolf was banished.

He had been careless.

A ridiculous decision ripped them apart. A cry on deaf ears ground their bones into dust. The king would not listen. The knights paid the price. The red one still paid it. Remorse plunged him into an endless night. He would never give in to the misery. He refused to let himself. Forever he would walk, searching, whether or not he found anything, anyone.

Per Meus Reformo Ululatus, Ego sum Infinitus Devia. By my remorseful howl, I am infinitely lonely.