Charming Wives

CHARMING WIVES

A Modern What-If Fairy Tale

 
CAST OF CHARACTERS
 
MRS. CINDY CHARMING. 29. Owner and manager of The Golden Carriage, a cooking and cleaning service for households.
 
MRS. BEAUTY CHARMING. Physically 22. Mentally 16. Her father owns Flight of Fantasy Productions, a successful movie studio.
 
MR. PRINZ CHARMING. 28. Jerk-of-all-trades. He’s never been able to keep a steady job so he’s decided to live off women.
 
THE TIME
Once upon tomorrow… Summer.
 
THE PLACE
Mrs. Cindy Charming’s front porch. Any city, any state.
 
SETTING:
The front porch of a house. There are two chairs and a small table behind the railing. On the railing is a large sign. The top line reads: “The Golden Carriage.” Then there is a picture of a golden carriage with a broom, a mop and an oversized spatula sticking out of it. The next line reads: “The perfect fit for all domestic needs.” The last line reads: “Call 1-800-800-GOLD”
 
AT RISE:
CINDY is sitting in one of the chairs filling out a form. On the table are a bookkeeping binder and a pad of paper. CINDY is wearing blue jean shorts, a white blouse and brown sandals. Over that she is wearing a full white apron with a picture of the golden carriage on it. BEAUTY strolls on with a small, fat envelope. She is wearing a bright pink, spaghetti strap, low neckline tank top; short, tight white shorts; white, high, thick-heeled sandals and a white and pink backpack purse. BEAUTY looks around and sees CINDY.
 

BEAUTY

         (Saunters up to Cindy, puts one hand on her hip and points at her with the package)
Do you live here?
 

CINDY

         (Looks up)
Yes. How can I help you?
 

BEAUTY

         (Thrusts the envelope towards Cindy)
Give this to Mrs. Cindy Charming when she gets home.
 

CINDY

         (Standing)
I’m Mrs. Cindy Charming.
 

BEAUTY

         (Looks Cindy up and down)
Oh…
 

CINDY

         (Leans over the railing and takes the envelope. Looking at it)
I’ve been waiting for these pictures for weeks! I thought they had been lost in the mail.
 

BEAUTY

         (Still looking at Cindy)
It arrived at my place a month ago.

CINDY

         (Looks up at Beauty)
…What?

BEAUTY

         (Glances at Cindy, shrugs)
I’ve been busy. This is the first time I’ve been in this part of town. My Daddy’s newest movie opened today and I had to put in an appearance at his biggest theater. Your package gave me an excuse to get out of there.
 

CINDY

         (Frowns)
Then I thank you for delivering my pictures, Miss…
 

BEAUTY

         (Smiles at Cindy)
Beauty. It’s no problem. Anyway, I wanted to meet the woman with the same last name as my husband. I’ve never met any of my darling’s family.
         (Looks over Cindy again)
But it looks like you’re not related.
         (Starts to walk away)
 

CINDY

         (Calls out)
Wait! It’s my husband’s last name, too. Maybe they’re related?
 

BEAUTY

         (Pauses then turns back)
What does your husband look like?
 

CINDY

         (Holds up the envelope)
This has some pictures of him.
         (Motions to the chairs)
Would you like to sit?
 

BEAUTY

         (Hesitates, looks at her watch, then nods)
All right.
         (Steps up onto the porch and sits in the empty chair)
 

CINDY

         (Sits down, collects the papers into a stack then opens the envelope)
I’ve never met any of my husband’s family either. Wouldn’t it be something if my husband and your husband were brothers?
         (Pulls out the pictures and looks at the first one)
Oh, how adorable!
 

BEAUTY

         (Leans closer to see the picture, her face softens)
What charming children! Any of them yours?
 

CINDY

         (Lowers the picture)
Er, well, no. I don’t have any children yet.
 

BEAUTY

         (Raising her eyebrow)
Why not?
 

CINDY

         (Motions to the stack of papers)
I’m so busy with my business The Golden Carriage and…my husband’s an astronomer so he works at night. So we don’t get to…
 

BEAUTY

         (Giggles)
That’s too bad!
 

CINDY

It’s okay. I don’t want children yet. I do enough cleaning and cooking without having children around. Beauty, what about you? Do you have any children?
 

BEAUTY

         (Smiles and nods)
Yes. I have a beautiful baby doll. She’s almost one and she’s so precious!
 

CINDY

You and your husband must be very happy.
         (Starts to look through the pictures)
 

BEAUTY

Yes, we are. Our schedules fit perfectly. During the day, he’s busy with his job at the Grand Garden outside of town and I’m busy with public appearances for my Daddy’s studio.
 

CINDY

         (Without looking up)
Lucky you…
         (Pulls out a picture)
Here he is.
         (Hands the picture to BEAUTY)
My husband. Prinz Charming.
 

BEAUTY

         (Slowly shaking her head)
But this is…my darling…my Prinz Charming…
 

CINDY

What?
         (Takes the picture, looks at it then looks at BEAUTY)
But he can’t be. He’s my…
 

BEAUTY

He’s my darling. I have a picture to prove it!
         (Opens her purse and digs through for her picture wallet)
 

CINDY

How can that be? He’s…Wait. Beauty, when did you get married?
 

BEAUTY

         (Still looking through purse)
One year ago in June.
 

CINDY

Well, I married him in May therefore he’s my husband.
 

BEAUTY

         (Finds picture wallet, opens it and thrusts it at Cindy)
There, you see Cindy. He’s my Prinz!
 

CINDY

         (Looks at the picture then pushes it back at BEAUTY)
So what? That’s you and him and the baby.
 

BEAUTY

But my baby girl needs a daddy. So he’s mine!
 

CINDY

No he is not! I married him first.
 

BEAUTY

         (Leans on the table, glares at Cindy)
He’s mine!
 

CINDY

         (Leans on the table and glares back)
No he’s not! He’s…
 

BEAUTY

         (Cutting her off)
He. Is. Mine!
 

CINDY

         (Clasps her hand to her head and slumps back in her chair)
Will you please drop that?!... This is ridiculous! Why are we arguing?
         (Shakes her head)
You know, it isn’t us that’s the problem. It’s him!
 

BEAUTY

Him?
 

CINDY

Yes!
         (Locks eyes with Beauty)
He’s the one who’s been two-timing us!
 

BEAUTY

…Yes…double-crossing us!
 

CINDY

He’s an insincere…
 

CINDY and BEAUTY

…Bastard!
 

CINDY

Yes! He’s been staying with me during the day…
 

BEAUTY

…and with me at night!
 

CINDY

He’s been using me for my cooking! He comes home from his so-called job and all he wants is to eat then sleep! I’ve wasted all this time…
 

BEAUTY

         (Stands up, turns away from Cindy)
He’s been using me too… Ever since I opened my eyes and saw him, he’s just been using me for my body…and my Daddy’s money!
 

CINDY

         (Stands up and puts her hand on Beauty’s shoulder)
That S O B…I’ll never forgive him.
 

BEAUTY

I’m gonna slap him silly when…
 

CINDY

         (Turns Beauty to face her)
Beauty wait. Do you want to just hurt him or get revenge?
 

BEAUTY

         (Looks at Cindy)
Revenge?
 

CINDY

Yes revenge.
         (Looks at her watch)
He’s going to be back from the grocery store soon.
 

BEAUTY

What are we going to do?
 

CINDY

Blackmail.
 

BEAUTY

With what, Cindy? He’s been living off of us. He doesn’t own anything that wasn’t bought with our money!
 

CINDY

Oh, I think the threat of going to jail for 10 to 15 years will make him putty in our hands. Bigamy is against the law.
 

BEAUTY

How about 25 to 30 years? My Daddy has the press in his pocket as well as several judges. They’d do anything he’d say.
 

CINDY

So we’ll give him a choice…
 

BEAUTY

Jail or…
 

CINDY

Servitude!
 

BEAUTY

Ooh! I’ve always wanted a permanent errand boy!
 

CINDY

And I could use some help cleaning my house…or even helping me with my business. I could give him a minimal wage to keep him alive.
 

BEAUTY

If he does a good job for me, I’ll give him a bit of money to keep up his appearance.
 

CINDY

First, we’ll need to get his guard down. Then we’ll spring it on him. I’ll stay out here and greet him while you hide inside.
 

BEAUTY

What do I do?
 

CINDY

You wait while I’ll offer him something to drink. When I come inside…
 

BEAUTY

…I’ll come out with it! He’ll be confused and then…
 

CINDY and BEAUTY

…we’ll attack him!
 

They nod at each other. CINDY ushers BEAUTY inside. A moment later CINDY comes back out and sits down. She starts looking through the paperwork. PRINZ comes in carrying a full grocery bag. He is wearing a blue polo shirt, khaki slacks and white tennis shoes.

 

CINDY

         (Looks up smiling)
Hello Prinz-dear. How was the walk?
         (She stands quickly and goes to him)
 

PRINZ

         (Hands the bag to Cindy and sits down in the chair she was sitting in)
Hot! It’s very hot out and I was foolish to wear pants.
 

CINDY

Oh, you’re not foolish for that, honey.
         (Puts her arm around his shoulders)
I’ll go put the groceries away and bring you a nice cold beer.
         (Kisses him on the cheek)
 

PRINZ

         (Calling after her)
Thanks Cindy-honey. I could really go for…
 

BEAUTY

Here’s your beer, my sexy Prinz!
         (Saunters out)
 

PRINZ

         (Stares at Beauty)
B…Beauty! What are you doing here?
 

BEAUTY

         (Plops down on his lap)
Bringing you your drink, silly. What else would I be doing here?
 

PRINZ

But…But this is…
 

BEAUTY

…where you live! I go where you go. I live where you live. I sleep where you sleep.
         (Licks his ear)
After all, I am your sleeping beauty. That’s why you married me!
         (Bites his ear)
 

PRINZ

Ow!
 

BEAUTY

Oh that’s right. You don’t like the rough stuff.
 

CINDY

         (Comes out with a tray of cookies)
Here are some cookies I made this afternoon. Just for you Prinz-dear!
         (Holds the tray out to Prinz)
After all, that’s why you married me!
 

PRINZ

Cindy!
         (Looks from Cindy to Beauty several times)
I… what’s… how… you two…
 

BEAUTY

         (Stands up)
Oh no, it looks like he needs it spelled out for him.
 

CINDY

         (Nods then looks at Prinz)
Prinz-dear, your fairy tale life is finished!
 

BEAUTY

Happily ever after is over!
 

CINDY

You belong to us now. You’ll do what we say or…
 

BEAUTY

Or else its jail time for you. Bigamy can get you 15 to 20 years. My Daddy can get you 25 to 30!
 

PRINZ

C’mon, you can’t do this. Beauty…Cindy… Can’t we talk about this? Discuss this rationally. I mean… you two look like you’re getting along very well. Since this has finally come out into the open, why don’t we all live together? I think we’d all be very happy together. You know… Each of us doing their part in keeping the house… I must admit that I married Cindy for her cooking and Beauty for her…uh…I mean…
 

BEAUTY

My body! You asshole. You think you can get away with anything, don’t you Prinz Charming. That’s why you snuck into my bedroom while I was in the coma. You saw all the news stories and wanted to see my body. But I woke up and you made up some fanciful story and stole my heart…and my innocence! I hate you!
         (Takes the beer from Prinz and gulps some down)
I want a divorce!
 

CINDY

         (Pats Beauty on the back)
You go girl!
         (Looks at Prinz)
You used me as well. For that I want a divorce also. For what you’ve done to Beauty, I will never forgive you! Your life will be a living hell… unless you do exactly what we say.
 

BEAUTY

         (Leans over and gently touches Prinz’ face)
Don’t worry your charming little self. We’ll make sure you’re fed and clothed. We’ll still provide a roof over your head… as long as you comply with our wishes. If you defy us…
         (Slaps him)
 

CINDY

C’mon Beauty, I think we’ve made our point. Let’s go inside, call our lawyers and gorge ourselves on cookies. If he even thinks of running away, we’ll just call the cops.
         (Begins to lead Beauty inside)
 

BEAUTY

And my Daddy!
 

PRINZ

         (Stands up and bars their way)
Please, I’m sorry for deceiving you two. I’m begging your forgiveness! Please! Please don’t do this to me! I’m not a good worker. I’ll mess everything up. Cindy, you don’t want me to ruin the clothes or burn the food. Beauty, you can’t possibly want me around after how I’ve used you. Can’t you just forget about me and let me go in peace?
 

CINDY and BEAUTY

NO!
 

CINDY and BEAUTY kick PRINZ. He crumples to the floor.

 

CINDY

Look at it this way: you’re still going to be living off us. You’re just going to be our servant.
         (Walks past him and goes inside)
 

BEAUTY

         (Whispers in his ear)
Our love slave.
         (Winks then goes inside)
 

PRINZ groans and pulls himself into the chair. He slumps onto the table. After a moment his cell phone rings. He slowly pulls himself up and pulls the phone out of his pocket.

 

PRINZ

         (Looking at the phone, he smiles)
Oh thank God!
         (He answers the phone)
Snow bunny! It’s so good to hear from you. You can’t believe the day I’ve… What?… What do you mean you’re leaving…
         (The smile fades)
No, you can’t! Snow dear, don’t leave me too!… Who?… What?! Which dwarf?…
         (His eyes widen and his jaw drops)
All of them!… No, don’t hang up! Please! Snow White!
         (He slowly moves the phone away from his ear, turns it off and puts it back into his pocket. He looks skyward)
I thought three was the magic number. Not seven!
         (He slumps forward onto the table)
 

THE END