Gretel's Crime

Gretel’s Crime

Or the deconstructionist theory of adolescent children and their obsession with destruction upon experiencing the benefits without the consequences

A Readers Children’s Theatre Performance

By:
Sarah & Will Reed

Cast of Characters:
Narrator
Gretel
Momma Bear
Jack Bear
Union Troll
Three Little Pigs
Voice of Giant

Narrator

I’m glad all of you have come today. Would you like me to tell you a story? I could tell you my story, but I’m afraid it would be rather short. Selling invisible clothes to an emperor really doesn’t make for a good story. (chuckles lightly) How about a story that I bet none of you has ever heard before. A story of jewels and damsels; of villains and heroes; a story about my neighbors.

I live in a kingdom called Long Ago, in a town called Stiltskin. I live in the town proper, but that is not where this story takes place. If you go past the house where the Thumbs live, that’s Tom and Thumbelina. (talking to herself) He still hasn’t returned my lawnmower. (shakes her head and returns attention to audience) Past the Dumpty’s with that eye-sore of a wall. And even past the Princess Mattress Store, which has decent prices, but I think their mattresses are lumpy. There stands the house of Hansel and Gretel. Many of you are probably aware of how they destroyed that old lady’s gingerbread house. (under breath) what a witch! (normal speaking) And how they got very wealthy with the jewels they stole. For most people this is the end of the story, but this is only the beginning of the gossip that went around town after Hansel and Gretel came home.

Well, last I heard, Hansel became a baker and is fairly decent at it. Just his gingerbread men keep running away. But the more interesting story is Gretel. Apparently, after destroying this old lady’s house and getting rich in the process, Gretel developed a taste for crime. She couldn’t just sit still at home with the jewels. She wanted more. She decided to start small and had spied a quaint little cottage in the woods. So she told her father.

Gretel

Father dear, I simply must be off! Many things to see in the woods. Many things to do. Don’t wait up for me. Toodaloo!

Narrator

I really don’t think her father cared since he was the one who taught Gretel to leave bread crumbs as a trail. What a silly man! Little did he know what she had in mind. The house in question was owned by three rather charming bears. Charming bears who had a penchant for porridge. The same time every day, they would prepare porridge. However, they never developed the knack for heating the porridge to the correct temperature. Thus they always went for a walk to let their porridge cool.

Gretel

As predictable as three blind mice! And the clocks they run up and down on. Now’s my chance. Let the destruction begin.

Narrator

In a whirlwind of motion, Gretel tore through the house. Gretel was all a-glee breaking chairs, ruining meals and even defiling the beds in which they slept. Though she found no jewels, she felt satisfied at the destruction she had wrought. Standing in the living room, admiring her handiwork, the bears happened to arrive home early. Quickly dashing through the house, Gretel leapt out a back window with the bears in close pursuit. Unfortunately for the bears, the window was too small for any of them to get out and only saw locks of golden hair as Gretel slipped into the safety of the forest. As Pappa Bear cursed out the window, Momma Bear turned to look at her son, Jack Bear, who had little bear tears in his eyes.

Momma Bear

Oh my little Jackie Bear. Don’t cry. Momma Bear has a big job for you to do that will make all this better.

Jack Bear

(sniffling) What’s that Momma?

Momma Bear

I need you to go to market and sell these beans.

Narrator

Honestly, it was the only thing in her apron that she could think of to get Jack Bear out of the house so she and Pappa Bear could clean up and call the insurance agent. At any rate, it worked. Jack Bear’s face lit up with determination.

Jack Bear

Okay Momma! I’ll get the bestest price! And make you and Pappa proud.

Momma Bear

That’s a good little cub. Run along now.

Narrator

As Jack Bear skipped merrily into the forest, Gretel watched him depart.

Gretel

That was too close. I think next time, I need a disguise. Something that will strike fear in the hearts of my victims. (ponders a moment) I know! A wolf! My friend got eaten by a wolf and now wears his pelt as a cloak. The wolf was scary and now she’s scary. And so will I be! (laughs evilly)

Narrator

Quickly grabbing the disguise from her friend, Gretel made her way to the houses of three individuals that she really didn’t like. She thought they were slobs and filthy. In fact, she nicknamed them the Three Little Pigs. Their names were Michelangelo, Leonardo and Raphael. They did have another friend, but he moved away some time last year. I forget his name. But that’s not really important. What is important is what Gretel planned to do to their houses – a complete demolition job.

Narrator

While Gretel planned how to blow away the first house, young Jack Bear was pondering how to sell the beans. He stood in the middle of the forest, only halfway to market, staring at the beans in his palm.

Jack Bear

These beans are great! And they taste… I don’t know how they taste, but they smell…like beans. Maybe they grow fast?

Narrator

So Jack Bear decided to plant one of these beans to see how long it would take to grow. And in a matter of mere seconds, a large beanstalk burst from the ground straight into the cloudy sky. As Jack Bear looked up the mighty beanstalk, a voice cleared its throat behind him. Jack Bear turned around and found himself face-to-face with a rather smelly, rather ugly troll.

Union Troll

‘Ello ‘ello. Wot’s all this ‘bout?

Jack Bear

It’s a beanstalk! And it’s big!

Union Troll

Naw, it’s no beanstalk. It’s a bridge it is.

Jack Bear

A bridge?

Union Troll

Yea! It connects right down ‘ere straight up to Giant Land. You built a bridge. You’re gonna need to join a Union to ‘ave it all on the up ‘n up.

Narrator

As the Union Troll explained the need for unions, trolls and bridges to Jack Bear, a distant rumble was heard overhead. Little did Jack Bear know but he had just built a bridge straight up to the two competing law enforcement divisions of the kingdom. One was known as the Giant Operations Law Division and Enforcers of Neutrality, also called G.O.L.D.E.N. The other department was known as the Giants' Operations and Operatives Security Enforcers, otherwise known as G.O.O.S.E. The agreement between the kingdoms of Long Ago and the giants was fairly straight forward. The giants would police the ground below, catching any criminal they could find. In return, they were allowed to eat him. So while Jack was happy at his discovery of G.O.O.S.E. and G.O.L.D.E.N., it spelled trouble for Gretel and future criminals for now the giants had quicker access to the ground.

Giant’s Voice

Fee Fie Fum Foe – I believe a house may blow.

Narrator

Indeed, just after those words were spoken, Gretel detonated the explosives set on the first two houses. Straw and sticks rained for miles around. She planned it out so that the owners of those two houses were visiting their friend in the third house. It was her goal to strike the fear of the wolf in them. The pigs looking out the window saw the destruction of their homes and were shocked in utter amazement.

Michelangelo

Dude, someone just moved my house.

Raphael

No dude, you didn’t get OZ’d. Your house got blown up.

Leonardo

Don’t tell me I have to live in the sewers now… That would be heinous.

Narrator

As the smoke cleared, Gretel strode forward, howling with villainous glee. Gretel laughed at their shocked and horrified expressions. They each had a sickly green pallor to their face. As the pigs watched in terror, Gretel prepared to detonate the house that they were standing in.

Gretel

I think it’s time for some BACON!

Narrator

But before she could cook her fiendish breakfast, a large hand came out of the sky and swooped her away.

Giant’s Voice

Fee Fie Foom Fie, I just caught me an evil guy.

Gretel

I’m not a guy! I’m a girl!

Narrator

Indeed this caused much confusion in the giant kingdom. Since it was customary for giants to eat only males, they were stuck in an awkward predicament. They didn’t want to put her back where she could continue to wreak havoc. Yet they could not eat her. Therefore, they put her in a tall tower with no doors and no stairs. Just to make sure, they bespelled her hair to grow really long so that no mistake could be made in the future about her gender.

Narrator

Meanwhile, Jack Bear finally pulled himself away from the Union Troll and decided it would be great fun to climb his new beanstalk bridge. Upon reaching the top of the beanstalk, Jack Bear looked around and spied the tall tower in which Gretel was imprisoned. He walked up to the base of the tower and called up.

Jack Bear

Hello up there! Is anyone home?

Gretel

Home? Home! This is not my home! This is a prison!

Jack Bear

Oh! Well, do you want to come out and play with me?

Narrator

At first, Gretel was aghast at the silliness of the request, but when she looked out the window, her heart melted at the sight of poor young Jack Bear. She realized that he was one of the bears she victimized.

Gretel

I don’t deserve your help. I’m the one who ruined your house. And now it looks like you have nowhere to stay.

Jack Bear

It’s okay. I’m sure everything will work out in the end. Now let’s get you down from there.

Narrator

With tears in her eyes, Gretel leapt out of the tower window and was safely caught by Jack Bear, who was a lot stronger than he looked. They made it back to town, getting to know each other along the way. By the time they reached Gretel’s house, she was thoroughly and madly in love with him. She then took her share of the jewels that she had taken from the old gingerbread lady. She gave a portion to Jack Bear’s family to repair the damage she had done. Next she went to the pigs and bought two brick houses for the straw and stick houses she destroyed. She even paid for their martial arts lessons so that they could get in shape and defend themselves should another crisis arise. After doing her good deeds to make up for her bad deeds, she looked in her purse to see what was left and found it empty. She sighed and walked dejectedly home. Before reaching home, she met Jack Bear.

Jack Bear

Hey Gretel. Momma wants to meet you.

Gretel

Why does she want to meet me? I’m the one who ruined your home.

Jack Bear

Yes, but you’re the one I want to marry.

Gretel

But I’m poor. I have no more jewels.

Jack Bear

That’s okay. I joined the Union and now I build bridges. I’m a regular Bridge Builder Bear now.

Narrator

And with that, both Gretel and Jack Bear skipped to the Bear’s house for a nice bowl of porridge. And they lived happily ever after. Again.

THE END

 
 
Fairy Tales References
Hansel and Gretel
Jack and the Beanstalk
The Three Bears
The Three Little Pigs
Rapunzel
Billy Goats Gruff
Rumplestiltskin
The Emperor’s New Clothes
Humpty Dumpty (Nursery rhyme)
Tom Thumb
Thumbelina
Gingerbread Man (Nursery rhyme)
Red Riding Hood
Princess and the Pea
Three Blind Mice (Nursery rhyme)
Hickory Dickory Dock (Nursery Rhymes)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (pop culture)
Wizard of Oz