Apologies, Forgivness, and Love

Dear Mom,

For the past week or so I have been going over the reasons why I am so mad at you. Secretly hating you in my mind, I have repeatedly cursed you for your constant cycle of choosing your boyfriends over me. In my mind I have called you selfish, immature, stubborn, and a bitch. And at the end of all my internal rantings I have finished with the phrase "It's not like I fucking ask that much from her..."

Then today I found a good 15 mins to sit down and catch up reading the droves of books I recently picked up from Paradox Book Store down on Center Market. I decided to start with Chicken Soup For The Mother's Soul since recently I have made a personal promise to myself to be a better mother to my child. But, what I read instead gave me a realization that I need to be a better child to my mother...

The first story in the book was about a daughter who couldn't forgive her mother for her childhood. It wasn't a particularly bad childhood, but through eyes of negativity the daughter had blamed every down moment on her mom and for years had ignored all of the amazing things her mother had done for her. The end of the story made me cry, and made me think long and hard about my own relationship with you. My selfish negative phrase came back into my mind "It's not like I ask that much from her..." as I looked around my home to examine my few prescious belongings. A part of me wanted to prove my self worth with "yeah, I got this allo on my own." but the reality of it was that I would have nothing if it wasn't for you.

The couch I sat on reading that book, as ratty and tacky as it is, I would not have if it wasn't for you clearing all of your work things around in the back of your truck to fit it in there by yourself because I had randomly decided I wanted it from a local thrift store. Selfishly, I stood inside of the store still slowly shopping as you climbed into the back of your truck lifting and moving all of the heavy suitcases from your job around by yourself, then even lifting and fitting the couch in there... all for me.

The entertainment stand I wanted to selfishly say was all me because I had the vision to take a worn heavy duty coffee table and turn it into a magnificant entertainment stand but then I remembered living at my last apartment and hearing a knock on the door to see you there with the coffee table beside you that you had found outside of the apartment down the street that I was too lazy to pick up, yet you pushed it all the way down the street to my house by yourself.

The TV on the entertainment stand I thought for sure I could thank myself for... until I realized that it was a gift to me from you when I was 13 and had thrown a fit about how all my friends had televisions in their bedrooms and I didn't.

The huge fancy black laquer glass shelf unit that is my favorite peice of furniture I would not have if it wasn't for you.

My brand new computer, even though I paid for it, the store wouldn't accept such a substantial ammount of cash but thankfully you were there with me and had your credit card so I could buy it. Even though I paid you back, I would still be computerless if it wasn't for you.

My washer and dryer - you.

My bookcases - you bought them for me before I could even walk.

My insane amount of books - 90% of them you bought me from whatever yard sale, library book sale, or auction you found as I was growing up. Only 10% I ever bought for myself and that was recently. And even the majority of that 10% you had drove me down to the bookstore.

By the time I finished looking around the living room at all of my little things I realized just how great your sacrifices for me are. I might not ask you for much, but the things you have given me are far beyond anything I could ever ask for, And I haven't even begun to list the prescious gifts you have given me emotionaly and spiritually. Suddenly I realize what a selfish unappreciative brat I really am...

I know you are human, mother, and as humans we all make mistakes. I know you have made a few wrong desicions in your life, just like I have made in my own. But you are my Mother in every sence of the word. You have given me more then anyone has ever given me. You have offered more to me then anyone has ever offered me. And as much as I may occasionally hate you, deep down I love you 10 times more,

And I am sorry.

I'm sorry I never hug you or kiss you. I'm sorry I shy away from any physical contact with you. I'm sorry I don't hold your hand or cuddle up with you.... If my daughter ever became like I am now and never hugged me or held me or kissed me I think I would die. I would die of loneliness simply because she is all I have and the majority of the time she is all I want in this world... I can't imagine how much it hurts you when all you want in this world is your little girl to hug you or cuddle with you and instead I shy away and turn my back coldly and change the subject. I can't imagine that pain. And I'm so fucking sorry, mom. I'm so sorry....

I don't even remember the last time I hugged you....





I'm sorry...
-Your daughter.