No More!

(703 words)

My work is pretty boring, as I suppose it is for many people. I work in a building, much like many other buildings. I push paper around all day, much like many others do. The only difference I have noticed is that I am among the few who has their own office, rather than a cubicle in the endless sea of office workers.

Every day of the year is the same mind-numbing experience, except for one day. April Fool’s Day. I dread it with every fiber of my being. You see, I am a good paper pusher. No, I’m an excellent paper pusher. I earned my own office by being the most dedicated worker on my floor. This means I did not, and still do not, take any breaks except the required lunch break and one potty break in the afternoon. Even then, I go straight to the kitchen, retrieve my brown paper sack and return to my desk to eat. At my desk, I still continue to work as I munch on a bologna and cheese sandwich and take an occasional sip from a fruit juice box.

You can imagine my fear leading up to April Fool’s Day. Every year, some prank has been pulled on me, though I don’t know why so much attention is focused on me. I am nobody special, except for my office.

Last year, they took my lunch and replaced it with some child’s science experiment. Luckily I was only in the emergency room for 2 hours as they pumped my stomach and released me back to work. Well, technically, they had told me to go home and rest. Since it had just been a suggestion, I ignored it and went back to work.

The year before that, they hid an audio device on my desk and connected it to my keyboard so that every time I hit the key “enter” a very loud gaseous explosion was heard. You know, someone passing gas. Like a fart! There, you made me say it. At any rate, it made me nauseas and took me 30 minutes to find the blasted thing and disconnect it. 30 minutes! 30 lost minutes of valuable work time. I stayed late that day.

For every year I have worked here, which has been 30 precious years of my life, they have pulled one prank or another on me on April Fool’s Day. To their credit, they never once repeated a prank. Unfortunately for me, that means I could never prepare. And still can’t. So I gather my courage, what little of it I have, and make my way into work. My routine goes smoothly, though I know it won’t last.

The morning rolls by without incident and my nervousness continues to increase. At this rate, I will need to move up my one potty break from the afternoon to the morning as my bowels are not feeling so well. Sweaty and a bit clammy, I stand up and go to my office door. Upon opening it, I see that something blocks my way. I take a step back and examine the scene before me. Stacked in the doorway are phone books. Not just a few, but enough to fill the entire doorway.

I push lightly on the blockade, but it does not budge. I hear laughter somewhere nearby. I start to sweat more, my vision starts to blur as my blood starts pumping. No more. I cannot take it. No more!

With a roar reminiscent of The Hulk, I throw myself at the barrier. The phone books and me go crashing to the floor. The laughter stops. I push myself off the pile of paper. As I do, I pick up one book in each hand. Turning to my tormentors, I roar again and throw the books. They scatter, but not fast enough. I continue to grab and throw books until I feel strong arms grab me and pull me down. I continue to struggle as I feel someone twist my arms behind my back and place handcuffs around my wrists.

Then I relax as I realize that it will happen no more. No more practical jokes on April Fool’s Day. Not where I’m going.