Unspoken

Hailey parked in front of the small church. It was the first time she had visited Woodland since her grandfather died five years ago. She had been to an out of town meeting and felt compelled to pay her respects. Plus, she had no desire to wear her nice pantsuit all day and wanted to change into jeans for the remainder of her drive home. There was nothing but small towns on the stretch of highway so she decided to stop in the familiar area to eat lunch, see her grandparents old home, and visit the church. She knew they were open for prayer on weekdays.

Hailey stepped in the church. After saying a brief prayer and dropping an offering in the donation box, she went in the choir room to change her clothes. Hanging her pantsuit in the car, she was fixing to leave when her gaze fell on the cemetery. She admonished herself for not bringing flowers for the graves. It was almost noon and the day was getting hot – typical for a spring day in South Carolina.

She was standing by her grandparents’ and great aunt’s graves when she was startled by a voice behind her.

“I thought I heard somebody out here. Can I help you?”

Hailey jumped and turned to see a woman with curly grey hair. The woman’s long skirt floated in the breeze.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t think to check in with the office. My name is Hailey Schuler.” She gestured to the graves. “I’m Rob and Margie’s granddaughter. Millie Schuler was my great aunt.”

The woman studied Hailey for a moment then smiled. “Hailey, what a surprise! I’m Tibby Lane. I was a friend of the family. You probably don’t remember me.”

Hailey studied the woman. She looked vaguely familiar, but she met so many people with her job that faces and names blended together. She did recall Tibby after a moment of reflection and put on a bright smile. “Of course I remember you.”

“It’s been a long time. What brings you to Woodland?”

“I had a meeting in the upper part of the state and the Interstate ran right by here. I thought I would stop by to pay my respects and have some lunch at the deli on Main Street. They always had the best sandwiches.”

“Do you want to come in? Pastor Murray isn’t in. He always takes Friday’s off, so I’m here by myself this afternoon. I’d welcome the company. In fact, I found some old records a couple of weeks ago that you might find interesting.”

Hailey started to refuse, but changed her mind. She remembered that Tibby was a widow. Fridays must be lonely days for her to work at the church all day by herself. Besides, it might be good to catch up on the happenings in Woodland. “Sure, I’ll come in for a minute.” She stopped as her glance fell on Great Aunt Millie’s tombstone.

“What’s the matter dear?” Tibby asked.

“Nothing, it’s just,” Hailey broke off and stooped to look closer. “I thought Great Aunt Millie died on July 25, not July 23. She died while we were visiting my cousins in Florida. We got there on July 25. It was my cousin’s birthday. I remember coming in during her party to surprise her. Grandma told me later that Aunt Millie died the same day. Is this date correct?”

Tibby paled. “Why don’t you come in dear? We’ll see what we can find in the church records.”

They stepped in the cool building and Hailey sat on the couch. The office was small but neat, with beautiful paintings of landscapes adorning the walls. She remembered that Pastor Murray’s wife liked to paint and felt sure it was her artwork adorning the office. Tibby brought a box of files out of the closet in the corner and dug through them.

“I’m glad you came by today. Pastor Murray hired one of our youth members to put these files on the computer when school lets out next week.” She scrunched her face. “I don’t know how to do much more than basic things on the computer, but he’s turned into quite the technology fan. He says we hold on to too much paper and we need to streamline our processes.”

Hailey smiled. “I understand what he means. Most of my work is on the computer.”

“You’re lucky you’re young. It’s hard for me. Do you know he almost sold the office typewriter at the church rummage sale last fall? I barely ransomed it. I had to pay twenty dollars to keep it. But at least it’s safe in my home now.” Tibby pulled some files out of the box. “Here we go; the Schuler files. Let’s see.” She flipped through the thick stack of pages. “The tombstone is right dear. Millie Schuler died on July 23.”

Hailey shook her head. “That’s impossible. That was two days before we left for Florida. There’s no way my parents and grandparents would have left town and missed her funeral.”

Tibby laid the papers on the desk. “Hailey, were you close to Millie? I know she lived in Columbia for a while.”

“She lived next door to us. We visited her all the time. She never married, so we were the only family she had.”

“She was engaged one time, long before you were born. Her fiancé’s name was Joseph and he worked at the mill outside of town. He was killed in a work accident,” Tibby said. “She moved to Columbia and took a job as a school teacher to start over.”

“She taught third grade at the school I attended,” Hailey said. “I wanted to be in her class, but the school wouldn’t allow it.” Hailey smiled. “She used to take me home every Friday afternoon. I remember one day my parents had to go to funeral. Aunt Millie took me to a toy store and said she would buy me anything I wanted. I picked out a birthstone ring. It was a cheap fake sapphire with an adjustable band. We went to the park, then she took me to my favorite pizza parlor for supper.” Hailey sighed. “I wore that ring until I outgrew it. It was one of the last times she took me out before her health got bad and she moved back here.” Hailey looked at Tibby. “What was wrong with Aunt Millie? I remember Mom and Dad saying her health was bad and my grandparents wanted to take care of her, but I can’t remember what she had. I know she was in the hospital with pneumonia the last Christmas she was alive. She fell off a ladder at the library a few months later, then she died that summer in a car accident.”

Tibby raised her eyebrows. “Oh dear, it seems I have opened a can of worms.”

“What do you mean?”

Tibby picked up the files and sat next to Hailey. “I think you need to look at these.”

Hailey took the papers and flipped through them. She paled as she read the newspaper clippings stapled to the files.

LOCAL WOMAN JUMPS OFF BRIDGE THREE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

LOCAL WOMAN ATTEPMTS SUICIDE AT LOCAL LIBRARY.

LOCAL WOMAN CRASHES CAR INTO TEXTILE MILL.

Hailey dropped the files on the floor. Tibby patted Hailey’s hand. “I’m sorry dear. Your Great Aunt Millie killed herself.”

Hailey stood and paced. “No, that can’t be. Aunt Millie was a good person. She wouldn’t do that. Even if she did, they would have told me the truth eventually …” Hailey trailed off.

Tibby hugged Hailey. “I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this. It doesn’t surprise me that your grandparents hid this from you. Your grandfather was a deacon in the church. He was mortally embarrassed by Millie’s suicide attempts, but she was his baby sister and he couldn’t turn her out.”

“I don’t understand,” Hailey stammered. Tibby picked up the papers.

“Millie suffered from depression,” Tibby said. “We called it melancholy then. She was always shy, but she really withdrew when her fiancé died. She thought that was her one and only chance at happiness and it was stolen from her. She was never the same. Your grandparents wanted her to move to Columbia to start over. Millie moved next door to your parents so they could keep an eye on her. Plus, there’s a mental hospital in Columbia. Do you remember her going to the hospital when she didn’t seem sick?”

“Yes,” Hailey said. “She said she had been sick before I was born and she had to have tests to make sure she didn’t get sick again.”

Tibby sighed. “She was having electroshock treatments. That was the major treatment for depression before so many medications were available. It didn’t work. Your parents reached their wits end. Nothing helped. Millie quit going to work and eventually got fired. The family decided that Millie needed to move back to her hometown so she could have the support of a small, close knit community.”

Hailey took the papers and scanned over the clippings. “Local woman jumps off bridge three days before Christmas. We were supposed to come for Christmas dinner that year, but we stayed home because Mom and Dad said Aunt Millie was in the hospital with pneumonia.” She dropped that clipping on the floor and read the next. “Local woman attempts suicide at local library. Aunt Millie worked at the library after she moved up here. Grandma and Grandpa told me she fell off a ladder reshelving books. This article says she tried to hang herself from the rafters and a janitor heard a commotion. He cut her down just in time.” She dropped that clipping on the floor and read the last. “The third time is the charm. She crashed her car in the side of the textile mill.”

“The same place where her fiancé died,” Tibby mumbled.

“The family runs to Florida two days later,” Hailey said. “Why? That’s what I don’t understand. I cried for days when I found out Aunt Millie died and we missed her funeral. We were so close. Why would they do that?”

Tibby paced. “Hailey, you have to understand. We didn’t know much about depression, and life was different. Women married young and had children. They were spinsters if they weren’t married by twenty five.”

“Then I would have been in trouble because I’m thirty four and still have no prospects,” Hailey said bitterly.

“Like I said, things were different,” Tibby said. “You’re lucky to live in a day and age when it’s acceptable for a woman to be single and make a life for herself. It might be awkward, but there isn’t a stigma on it like it was then.”

“Her fiancé died. It wasn’t her fault!”

Tibby sat at her desk. “We aren’t supposed to judge one another, but that doesn’t stop people from doing it anyway. Millie didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to get over Joseph’s death. She had so many hopes for that marriage and she couldn’t get over having them die with him. Millie’s shyness kept her from making friends. Unfortunately, a lot of people perceived that as rudeness and it isolated her even more. The gossip about her being a lonely old maid bothered her. It bothered your grandparents as well. They didn’t like being the talk of the town. They had her move near your family, hoping that she could get help for her depression and make some friends. Perhaps even marry one day.” Tibby shook her head. “It didn’t out that way. The best laid plans can go wrong.”

“Was moving to Columbia for Aunt Millie’s good, or to preserve my grandparents’ pride?” Hailey asked bitterly.

Tibby leaned back in her chair and rubbed her eyes. “Now we get down to it.”

“Now we get down to what?”

“I hate to talk bad about people.”

Hailey snorted. “You think what you’ve told me so far is flattering? Please, continue.”

Tibby sighed. “Hailey, please understand that your grandparents were my friends. I was a friend to Millie too, for my part. She wouldn’t let people get close to her, but I never stopped trying.” Tibby poured a cup of coffee from the pot sitting on the corner of her desk. She held up the pot to offer Hailey a cup, but Hailey shook her head. Tibby sat in silence a moment and took a sip from her cup. “You’re grandparents had strong religious beliefs, especially your grandfather. He was very rigid about them. Sometimes it made him difficult to get along with.”

Hailey remembered a time in middle school when Mom and Grandpa got in an argument. Mom had to do laundry on Sunday, and Grandpa ministered to her about honoring the Sabbath Day every time he saw her for years after the incident. Dad finally talked to him about how Christians are supposed to forgive one another, and the nagging stopped. Mom sometimes had bitter words for Grandpa over that incident when Dad wasn’t around. Hailey nodded. “I know what you mean.”

“After Millie’s first suicide attempt, your grandfather stood up in church on Sunday and asked the congregation to pray for her. He went on a tirade about how suicides go to hell and asked everybody to talk to Millie about the sanctity of life. I still remember that speech. ‘Thou shalt not kill! That includes yourself!’” She said, lowering her voice in an attempt to mimic Grandpa. “Please pray for my sister and minister to her about the sin she tried to commit. She will find no forgiveness in the fires of hell and neither will we if don’t act to save her soul!”

“Good Lord!” Hailey gasped.

Tibby nodded. “That’s just a small portion. The congregation was shocked. Your grandmother was upset, but she didn’t know what to do. Of course people flooded Millie’s hospital room after church that day. She was mortified that a public announcement was made about her condition. She was even more embarrassed when she made the front page of the newspaper the next day. As soon as the hospital released her, she got in her car and took off before your grandparents could pick her up. They found her staying in a small hotel near Gatlinburg a few days.
She taken a job as a waitress at a restaurant, and it looked like she had intentions of staying there. It caused quite a stir.”

“So that’s what happened,” Hailey said, remembering that Christmas. Her parents told her Aunt Millie had pneumonia and they wouldn’t allow children in the hospital to visit. Two days after Christmas they went to Woodland to “visit” Millie, leaving Hailey with her mother’s parents in Columbia. Mom and Dad must have been looking for Millie.

Tibby nodded. “They must have convinced her to come home because she did return to Woodland a month later on her own free will. She insisted on living in her own apartment, but she moved back in with your grandparents after her second suicide attempt. Your grandmother refused to allow Millie to live alone. She insisted that Millie move in with them or be committed to the mental hospital in Columbia as an inpatient.” Tibby shrugged. “That hospital must have been bad for life with a judgmental brother and sister-in-law to be the preferable choice.”
“It sounds like there was a lot of resentment in their relationship,” Hailey said.

Tibby nodded. “There was at the end. After Millie’s successful suicide attempt, your grandfather was furious. I called to ask if he was going to be a pallbearer for her funeral and he said they wouldn’t be in town for her funeral. He said they were going out of state so the family could grieve privately, and to let the gossip settle down. Not that it did much good. The whole town showed up for the funeral. Their absence caused more gossip than it prevented. Many people still believe their harsh attitude drove Millie to that final suicide attempt.”

Hailey sighed. “I guess we’ll never know,” she said. Her stomach growled. She glanced at her watch and was startled to discover it was almost two o’clock. Had it been nearly two hours? She gathered the papers and stood. “Thank you for telling me the truth. I always wondered why Mom and Dad didn’t want to visit Woodland after Aunt Millie died. Grandma and Grandpa came to visit us in Columbia a lot more. In fact, we started hosting the holidays that we spent with Dad’s parents the year Aunt Millie died. Now I understand why.”

“I guess it’s easier to stay away than face the shame.” Tibby took the papers and carefully put them back in the box. “The real question is what you intend to do with this knowledge. Are you going to tell your parents that you know the truth?”

Hailey looked out the window. The place seemed permeated in silence. Horses grazed in the sunshine across the street. It was hard to believe that decades of family drama remained unspoken in that silence. Things seemed peaceful and calm. Perhaps that’s the way it should stay. Aunt Millie died almost twenty five years ago, and none of the family remained in Woodland since her grandparents died. What good would it do to drag up the past?
“No, some things are better left unsaid. I’m sad to learn about this and angry at them for not telling me when I was old enough to understand. But I suppose every family has their secrets.”

Tibby stood and patted Hailey’s back. “I’m sure they thought it was for the best and were trying to preserve your feelings for Millie.”

“They tell themselves that,” Hailey said, “but it seems they were trying to preserve their own pride.”

“Isn’t that the way with most secrets?” Tibby asked. “I will leave it at your discretion.” She pulled out a key taped in the back of the file. “There is one more thing. Millie came by the church three days before she died. She gave Pastor Murray this key with a note that it should only be given to you after your eighteenth birthday. She told him that your parents and grandparents were not to know about it. You were ten when she died, so I suppose it slipped his mind by the time you should have been notified. I found it in the files. We were going to return it to the bank, but since you’re here I feel you should take it.”

“Thanks,” Hailey said. “What’s it for?”

“He said it’s to a safety deposit box at the bank on Main Street.”

Hailey hugged Tibby. “Thanks for everything.”

“I feel like I’ve caused trouble,” Tibby said. “That’s what happens when you leave an old woman to work in the church by herself on a Friday!”

Hailey laughed. “Not at all. The truth shall set you free, right? Think of it as granting me freedom.” She winked. “Don’t worry. Woodland’s secrets are safe with me.”

Hailey left the church and went straight to the bank, where a stern faced man led her to a small room of safety deposit boxes in the back of the bank. After verifying her identity and directing her to the box, he left her alone to retrieve the contents. The only thing in Aunt Millie’s box was a sealed envelope with “Hailey” written in neat script on the outside. Hailey ripped open the envelope. A letter and two hundred dollar bills fell in her lap. She stuffed
the money in her pocket and opened the letter. It read:

Dearest Hailey,

By now you know the awful “secret” of my life and that I have committed what is, in many peoples’ eyes, the worst sin possible. I apologize and hope the truth was broken to you by someone you trust: If not your grandparents or your parents, somebody else in Woodland that you know and respect.
I would ask for forgiveness, but I realize that you must form your own opinion. Take whatever time you need to determine if forgiveness is yours to grant, but please do me one favor: Don’t bear a grudge against your parents or grandparents for keeping this secret. I’m sure they were trying to protect you from a truth they thought was too great for you to bear. I know I’ve caused them a great deal of pain and embarrassment. For that I am sorry, but I can’t change who I am or what I’ve done. It’s impossible for them to understand the pain I live with everyday. It’s impossible for anybody to understand. So many people have told me to “snap out of it;” that life is a gift and I should appreciate what the Lord has given me. Don’t they think I would if it were that simple?

I can’t figure out what to do with this “gift.” It seems there’s a hole in my life that everything worthwhile slips through. Joseph’s death caused the hope of a happy marriage and a family to slip through my fingers. Life in the “big city” didn’t live up to my expectations, especially when the treatments didn’t work. Returning to Woodland reminded me of my grief and separated me from you, your parents, and every semblance of a normal and independent life. I seem to keep losing the gifts that are granted to me. It seems appropriate to give my life back to the Lord; a humble admission that I failed to understand it.

Your grandparents and the people in Woodland have the best of intentions, but they fully believe I’m going straight to hell if I don’t “get over it.” They don’t realize that I’m already in hell. Every day I live is a hellish struggle. Not being able to smile, laugh and enjoy life like the people around me is hell. “Friends” that cannot understand my pain is hell. Failed treatments are hell. Whether I live or die, I am in hell. I’ll take my chances. Perhaps the Lord will grant me mercy and allow me to finally be united with my beloved Joseph, who was taken from me before we could have a life together. Perhaps not. I have nothing to lose.

I was planning to use the enclosed money to buy you a sapphire ring for your sixteenth birthday. I remember how much you loved that ring I bought you in the toy store, and started saving money from my paycheck so I could give you a real sapphire when you were old enough. Because of my “condition”, your parents and grandparents don’t think it’s appropriate for me to have contact with you until I get better. I know now that I’ll never get better. Please take this money as a gift and buy something special for yourself. You deserve it. You were a light to my life and I thank you for the joy you brought me in the few years I was allowed to share with you. I hope you have happy memories of the time we spent together.

Perhaps we will meet again someday beyond this life. I hope it’s not too soon because I wish you a long and happy life. I hope you find the joy that I could not in it.

Live well and Godspeed, precious child.

Love always,

Aunt Millie

Hailey was crying when she finished the letter. Here was the whole tale in three pages of Aunt Millie’s own handwriting. There was nothing more to be said. She carefully folded the letter and tucked it in her purse.

Hailey went straight to the town’s only jewelry shop and bought a beautiful sapphire ring with small diamonds on each side. The jeweler resized it while she ate lunch at the deli. She used the money left over to buy a basket of white roses at the florist, which she put on Aunt Millie’s grave. It was after four o’clock by then and the church was closed. She thought about leaving a note for Tibby, but changed her mind. Let people see the flowers when they come to church on Sunday morning. They would eventually die. The sexton would have to clean up the basket, but for a little while those white roses would glow against the green background of the cemetery, letting people know that somebody remembered and loved Millie Schuler.

The next night Hailey went to her parents’ house for supper. Her mother immediately noticed the sapphire ring.

“That’s beautiful! When did you get it?”

“I got yesterday after my meeting. I saw it in a jewelry store window and fell in love with it. You know I’ve always liked sapphires. I wore the one Aunt Millie bought until I outgrew it.”

The glance that passed between her parents revealed over three decades of what was left unspoken. Finally, her mother swallowed hard. “It’s fine to buy something nice every once in a while. Just be careful not to overspend.
You have to be diligent about watching your finances.”

Hailey forced a smile. “Don’t worry. It didn’t set me back too much.”

“Good” her father grunted, “did your meeting go well yesterday?”

Hailey took the cue and allowed the conversation to flow toward her job. It was alright. Let them have their secrets. She had one of her own.

Word Count: 4,241