I, Murderer

Your whole problem is, you're just like all the others.

You're all with the "trying-to-divine-the-killer's-motive-and-thus-avoid-my-untimely-death" thing.  Shit.  I mean, really.  There's no grand plan, here, and I'm not Hannibal Lector.  I'm just a guy that likes to kill stuff.  Now, hold still -

Oh, now don't gimme those big doe-eyes, that helpless, lamb-to-the-slaughter routine.  I'm totally resistant.  Captain Immune.  Huh, maybe if you hadn't kneed me where the kneeing was good -

Yeah, yeah, you're all so sorry.  Whatever.  I'm probably gonna be fucking sterile thanks to can-do little spitfires like you and all you can say is 'sorry'?  Well, excuse me if I don't have a cathartic cry on your shoulder.  Anyway, I was kidding about the not kneeing me thing.  I knew you were next as soon as I saw you, crotch-shots aside.  No changing destiny.

Hey - now.  Don't cry.  It's really annoying and you'll get all blotchy.  Don't you wanna look good for your funeral? What -?  Ooh, such language! You kiss your mother with that mouth?  Well, you won't anymore.  Now, hold still a mo- jeezus, with the crying, already! Some mortician's gonna have to stay real late just to make you look good on your big day.  You're being totally selfish, you know?

Ouch!

Do that again and I’ll videotape myself raping you and send it to your family on the day of your funeral.

Just kidding.

Jeez, lighten up, willya?  Life's too short. . . at least for you.  Just resign yourself to the fact that there's nothing you can do or could have done to stop this.  Your life ends tonight.  Game over.  End of story.  Just the way it is.  It's nothing personal, you're just gonna die.  Live with it.

Excuse me? ‘Kill you or don't, just shut up, already’?  And what Oscar-calibre movie did you steal that little pearl from? Heh, was it Tank Girl?  It was Tank Girl, wasn't it?  Christ, people don't know shit these days ‘less they saw it in a movie.

Crap - be quiet, Winston, we'll go for walkies in a little while!

Damn it, that mutt's just gonna howl till I take him out.  Gets on my nerves, but I love the little guy.  So, whaddaya think?  Should I just kill you now, or kill you later?

Sweet zombie Jesus, you are the worst, most crying-est victim I've ever had! And I've had twenty-seven, so that's saying something.  You're taking all the fun out of your senseless and violent death.

Fuck it, I'll just do it now, then walk the damn dog and be back in time for Will & Grace.  Hold sti-

Look, wouldja stop asking? I mean, what do you want me to say, huh?  I don't know you from Adam.  I didn't stalk you, I don't hate you.  I don't know you.  I'm not doing this because I get off on it, or because I'm a misanthrope.  I didn't have a bad childhood, unless you count living in Bayonne till I was five.  I'm not -

No, there doesn't have to be a reason for any of this.  In fact - there isn't.  Sorry to tell you, I know people tend to want their deaths to mean something.  And yours does.  It means I'm not as bored as I was three hours ago. . . .

Oh, fine.  Fine.  If that's your last wish, the last question you want answered before you die, I'll indulge you.  Why am I killing you?

Why did I kill any of them?  Because I can.  Because I'll get away with it.  Because it's my talent, my calling.  It's something to do.  It keeps me off the streets.  It's cheaper than cable or hookers.  There.  Is that reason enough for you?  Jimminy Christmas, but this used to be way less time-consuming.  Now -

Hold. 

Still.

*