Can't Let You Go

**From my bed, Kailey’s chin is propped on my chest, as she traces the muscles on my arm with her manicured fingernails.  The warmth of her body, the feeling of her skin pressed against mine, is a feeling that I never get tired of.  I could lay with her for hours, never saying a word, and I wouldn’t mind it.  Just being in her presence felt so natural, like this is how it is meant to be.
She lifts her face to meet my eyes.
“What are you thinking about?” She asks, as she absent mindedly brushed her chestnut hair out of her face.
“About how happy I am right now,” I smile at her.
Her smile mirrors mine, but she retreats from my gaze to trace my arm again.
“So just laying her, doing nothing doesn’t bore you?”
“Baby, any time spent with you is never boring.”
Her face lit up as she looks back at me again.  The way she smiles when I say things like that to her, almost looks like she is trying to stop herself from blushing.
I gently cup my hands around her cheeks and bring her face closer to mine.  I pause when my lips are just an inch from hers; it is so cute how frustrated she gets when I tease her.  For that brief moment, I feel her breathing stop.  Then, I move forward that inch, and press my lips to hers.  I can still feel her smiling as I kiss her.
She slowly pulls away from me to look into my eyes again.
“Austin, I love you.”**

         I unwillingly open my eyes to the sound of my mother dropping something made of glass onto the kitchen tile.  I felt hatred towards the noise for interrupting my memories.
I hate these bare walls surrounding me.  I hate this empty bed.  I hate this sick, lonely feeling that swells in my heart.  I hate reality.
All I wanted was to think about her; think about the time when I made her happy. I wanted to think about how happy she made me.  It stings to imagine her and the way she somehow loved me; but it is more painful to think of how much I hurt her.  Both thoughts constantly consume my brain, and I am defenseless against them.  If I think about one more than the other, it drowns out some of the pain.  So I try to think about the thought that is less painful, even though I know that I deserve the punishment of the harsher thoughts.  I even deserve more than just this emotional pain that thrives inside of my body.  I deserve it because she still cares about me.  I hate that she still cares, but worse… I hate that I don’t actually hate that she cares.  Being with her scared me.  But being without her scares me more.  Scares the life out of me.  Yet, I know I can’t go back to her.  I can’t bring myself to feel the guilt of allowing her to take me back after all I put her through.  It sickens me and disgustingly relieves me, at the same time, knowing that she would take me back without question.
I don’t understand why I can’t just be with her like I so badly want to.  Some sort of alarm went off in head every time we got too close; every time she told me that she loved me.  It frightened me, and I couldn’t be around it.
She isn’t the first girl that I’ve pushed away.  It seems that at a similar point, I have to break away.  I can’t fully commit myself.  But I stayed with her longer than I stayed with any other girl in my life.  I was torn between this fear, and the wonderful way that she made me feel.  I shut myself off from her and then stormed my way back into her life again one too many times.  I wouldn’t be able to stand the image of that familiar, tear-streaked face as I walked out on her again.
But this lonely feeling keeps building stronger.  I think I’m doomed to be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life.  Because in truth, I’m too afraid to love her.

         My mother eyes me suspiciously as I slowly chew my meatloaf.  It is the first time that she looks at me this way since Kailey and I first broke up.
“Austin, I know something is bothering you,” she says sympathetically.
I force myself to meet her gaze, to reassure her that I’m fine.
“No, mom.  Nothing is bothering me.”
“Don’t lie to me.  I’m not blind.  I can see that something has been bothering you for a while,” her voice suddenly taking on a serious tone.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumble, now playing with my meatloaf, rather than eating it.
“You can’t always bottle up your feelings.  It’s not healthy.  You have to let them out every once in a while, or its going to break you down.”  Her tone softens once again as she says this.
I am silent for a moment, not dropping my gaze from hers.
“I know you miss her.”
Her.  Like she thinks it will hurt me to say her name out loud.
But I am too startled by the fact that she said this to worry about how she said it.
I know that she can read the pain in my eyes.
“I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself, Austin.  She was good to you.  You were good for each other.”
“That’s the past, mom.  It’s over between me and Kailey.”
“Only because you think it is,” she answers quietly, as she grabs her empty plate from the table and runs water over it in the sink.  “I think you’re making it more complicated than it needs to be.”
“I’m not making it complicated.  It just is complicated,” I answer.
She shakes her head as she places her plate in the dishwasher.
“I could just see how happy she made you.  And I know you think you’re being sly with hiding your feelings right now, but I can see how unhappy you’ve been.”
I guess mothers really do know everything.
“Why are you all worried about my love life?  Shouldn’t you be thinking about your own?” I try to joke, “Whatever happened with that Paul guy you went on a date with last week?”
My mom sighs as she leans against the counter and folds her arms.
“I haven’t called him back since,” she says in a contemplative tone.  “I didn’t feel anything with Paul.  He was a nice guy, but he talked too much about politics.  And you know how much I can’t stand these jokers that run our government.”
She starts to laugh and I chime in with her.
“Are you sure you’re not just making up excuses, mom?”
She suddenly looks serious again.  “Are you sure you’re not just making up excuses?”
I am silent as I feel the abrupt tension.
“I haven’t had the heart to bring her up until now,” her tone never changes.
She pauses for a moment, never letting her eyes waver from mine.
“Why did you break up with her?”
I can suddenly see a clear image of Kailey in my head; of her beautiful face, torn with anguish; of her cheeks stained with bleeding mascara; of her quivering lip and pleading blue eyes.  The image is so crystal and sharp, that it causes an unexpected, wrenching pain in my chest.  My breathing cuts short, and I can’t concentrate on anything but the pain.  It seems to drag on, although only a few moments have passed.  Then the ache disappears just as quickly as it came on, and I finally take in a deep breath.
“I honestly don’t know,” I answer at last.

         My father left my mother when I was only 6 months old.  After they had been dating for over two years, my mom discovered that she was pregnant with me.  They were still not married by then.  They were both young, my dad twenty and my mom eighteen. They made various arrangements for a small wedding after I was born, then canceled almost every one because they didn’t have the money, let alone enough to take care of a child.  So my dad took on two jobs, one of which he spent the most at in an office, working overtime to file documents.  My mom worked for as long as she could at her waitressing job, collecting tips from costumers who saw her huge stomach, until her manager basically forced her to take a break on maternity leave.  After I was born, my mom stayed at home while my dad continued to work, bringing home enough money for us to get by.
Eventually my parents began fighting.  She was upset that she didn’t get to see him as much as she’d like to, and he was angry because he had no other choice.  It became apparent that their relationship was faltering, and their last wedding attempt was only weeks away.
Then, my mother found out that my father had fallen in love with one of his woman co-workers who he spent most of his working hours with.  My father was torn; he wanted to be happy, but he didn’t want to leave my mother all alone to take care of me by herself.
In the end, after many arguments, they called off the wedding, and my mother moved out into a smaller apartment with me.  My father married his co-worker, and paid my mom child support every month.
Although the split up left them bitter, mainly my mother at my father, she eventually somewhat forgave him.
I never actually met my dad, although he sent me cards with cash on my birthdays.  My mother never wanted me to meet me, I suppose.  When she told me this story, she often told me that the man she fell in love with was ambitious and intriguing and adventurous, but the man she split up with was overtired and dull.
My mom never fully got over the pain my father put her through.  It was very obvious that it scared her to stay with one man for too long.  She dated around a lot, and I always wonder if she’ll be happy again.  Although, she makes sure to hide her anguish and fears from me, and I truly never see them, the feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me that both are still present in my mother.  But we both deny these feelings.
Even if my mother could somewhat forgive my father for what he’d done, I know that I could never forgive this anonymous man who left my mother alone.

         **I knock lightly on the front door, and I hear Kailey’s German Sheppard bark frantically at the sound.  I can feel nothing as I stand here.  Somehow I desensitized myself.
Kailey’s surprised face greets me.
“Oh, Austin!  What are you doing here?”
The surprise turns to joy as she embraces me in a hug.  I am almost shocked that I continued to feel nothing, even as she hugs me; I felt no sympathy.  I follow her into the living room, remaining silent as she shuts the door behind us.  She begins to pick up on my mood.
“Is something wrong?” she asks, suddenly concerned.
I realize that I never planned what I was going to say.  I stand in silence for a few moments, just staring into her eyes.  Still nothing.
“Austin?”
She steps closer, anxiously reaching towards me; but I step back simultaneously.
“I can’t do this anymore, Kailey.”
My voice sounds monotone to me.
“Can’t do what?” her eyes widen with worry.  “What are you talking about?”
“I just don’t feel the same way that I used to…things have changed.”
“Did I do something wrong?  You’re being too brief.”  That expression never leaves her face.
“I can’t be with you anymore,” I hear emotion drain back into my voice, but I still feel emotionless inside.
Tears suddenly begin forming at the corners of her eyes.
“You never answered me.  Did I do something wrong?”  her voice cracked at the end.
“I just really need to spend some time alone.”
Just then, as the first tears trail down her cheek, my stomach churns.  The desensitized feeling completely vanishes.
“Isn’t there anything I can do?”  Her tears fall fluently, and she can barely say the words.
“No, there isn’t.  There’s nothing.”
These very few words triggered something.  After I say them, her face is suddenly a mix of misery and desperation.
Those few words meant more to her than I can ever comprehend.  Then she is talking gibberish; I can’t make out the words that are spilling from her quivering lips.  She throws herself at me and buries her face into my shirt.  This time I don’t step back.  I let her cry in my arms.
I know I shouldn’t have, but I allow my hand to stroke her hair.  My touch causes her to step away.
“Tell me what I did!” She manages to say.
I open my mouth to answer her, but no reply fits my thoughts.
At that moment, I can’t stand to be in that room anymore.  I can’t watch her fall apart in front of me.  Without a word, I walk towards the door, ready to turn the handle when I suddenly feel her hand on my arm.  I stand still with my hand still lingering on the doorknob.
Her breathing is uneven, as she tries to compose herself.  I still don’t look at her.
“Austin…”she says softly.  “Austin, I love you.”
At this moment, I look at her, and I instantly regret doing it.
Her makeup stained face; her quivering lips; her pleading eyes.
I turn the handle and walk away silently.**

         I slam the car door shut and walk into Raley’s as I unfold the grocery list from my pocket that my mom had given me.  I grab an empty cart by the door and push it through the aisles, collecting items written on the list.
When I get to the cereal section, I look from box to box, and back at the list.  It didn’t specify which kind she wanted.  It just said “cereal”.  I assume that she wants me to pick out the brand this week.
As I debate between Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs, I hear someone drop a box half way down the aisle from me.  I look over to see a girl in a tight fitting sweater and a jean skirt.  She self consciously picks up the box she had dropped and put it back.  Then she moves onto to another box, checking out the calorie intake panel on the side.  Suddenly, she realizes that someone is watching her.  She turns her face towards me and instantly blushes.
I want to walk away and pretend I hadn’t acknowledged her, but I know it is too late for that.
“Oh, hi Austin.”
I hadn’t heard her sweet voice in so long.
I keep my composure.
“Hi Kailey.”
She self consciously tugs at her skirt.  I know exactly what she is thinking.
She is hoping that the skirt looks okay on her, and is pondering if she should have put on jeans this morning instead.
I can almost hear her thoughts as if she is saying them out loud; and the expression on her face matches those thoughts.
Honestly, she does look good in that skirt.  In fact, she looks amazing.
I feel the urge to throw her against the shelves and kiss her; to feel the smooth skin on her legs; to make her sigh so that the innocent shoppers from aisles down would wonder what the hell was going on.
My thoughts suddenly halt as I detect the awkward silence.
“So, how’ve you been?” she finally asks.
“I’ve been good.  How about you?” I reply.
“I’ve been good also.”
“That’s great.”
There is a short silence again.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to your shopping,” she says.  “It was nice seeing you.”
“You too, Kay.”
Her old nickname slipped.  I freeze, hoping that maybe she didn’t notice.
Although that is highly unlikely, it didn’t seem to phase her.  She smiles lightly and waves as she pivots on her heels to walk away.
I smile back and walk away in the opposite direction.
         I hastily continue shopping, hoping to get out of Raley’s as soon as possible.  I turn a corner to see Kailey once again, strolling down the condiment aisle.  In one swift motion, I make a sharp turn with my cart down to the adjacent aisle.  There is no way that I can face her again, not even to get one more glance of her in that skirt.
I proceed to sneak carefully around each corner before fully turning down any aisle.  I wonder if she is doing the same thing as me.  Because I didn’t see her throughout the remainder of my shopping.

         I place the bags of groceries on the kitchen counter, and pause, staring out the window.  For that moment, my mind is completely blank.  My body feels numb.  There is no emotion present.  I put away the various food items, not really paying much attention to where I’m placing them.  As I reach down to grab the last item at the bottom of a bag, I pick up a box of Oreos.  I hold the box in my hands, examining the front design.  Slowly, I begin to feel my limbs.  And then my brain is racing, as emotion flows through me again.
She loved Oreos.
“I could eat these all day and never get tired of them!”
Her sing-song voice echoed in my mind.
“Hey, did you find everything okay?” my mom asks as she enters the room, wrapped up in a blanket.
“Yeah,” I answer quickly, dropping the box of cookies as if I wasn’t supposed to be holding them.
My brain halts it’s thinking track and my limbs stiffen at her presence.
“I wouldn’t have made you go if I wasn’t feeling sick,” she continued, not even noticing the movement.
“No problem, mom, I didn’t mind doing it.”
She picks up the box I had just dropped and heads for the couch as she pops one in her mouth.
I sit down next to her on the sofa, eyeing the cookies.
“That girl called for you again,” she says, not taking her eyes off the tv screen.
“Svetta?” I ask, even though I know who she is talking about.
“Yes, her,” her eyes shift to mine at that moment, “What’s the deal with her?  She’s been calling here often.  Have you been calling her back?”
“I met her at the club that I went to with Jason a few weekends ago.  I think she’s cute,” I answer, ignoring the last question.
Truth is, she’s called me a lot, but I think I’ve only called her back once.
“But you’re not interested in her?” she guesses.
“No, I’m not.  Jason seems to think I should be though.”
“Why does he think that?”
“Because ‘she’s hot and I’m not allowed to own a penis if I don’t want to get with her’,” I quote my friend.
My mom laughs as she shakes her head.
“You boys crack me up,” she says, as she sets her eyes back on her show.
She pauses.  “Want an Oreo?” she asks without looking at me.
I pause too.  I fight the flood of emotion that wants to burst through my veins and shatter my heart.
“No thanks.”
She says nothing as she continues to eat them.
“I’m going for a walk,” I say suddenly as the impulse hits me, and stand up to head for the door.
“Okay,” she calls to my back, too enthralled in her tv show.

         **“I think I should take more risks,” Kailey had said to me, “I want to be more like you.  You don’t have to think twice about it…you just take the challenge that comes your way.”
I thought about what she had said and called her later that night.
“Kay, I’m coming to pick you up at 9.”
“What?  What’s going on at 9?” she asks.
“A risk.”
She is silent for a moment.  “What kind of risk?”
“One that you shouldn’t think twice about because it’s challenge coming your way.”
She laughs, remembering her words from earlier that day.
“You said you wanted to take more risks, right?” I continue.
“Right.”
“Then I’ll be at your house at 9.”
I am about to hang up the phone, when I hear Kailey stop me.
“Wait, Austin!  Wait, wait!”
I pause.  “Yes?”
“Do I need to bring anything?”
This time I laugh.  “Babe, you’re awful at this risk taking thing.”
She sighs.
“It’s okay, we’ll turn you into a dare devil.” I say, “No, you don’t need to bring anything.”
         I pull up to her house and I can see her waiting for me on the porch.  She walks down her driveway, carrying nothing as I had said, and slides into the passenger side of my car.
“Is it safe to say that you’re not telling me where we’re going?” she asks as we continue down the ill-lit road.
“Yes, it is,” I smile at her.
She gazes out the open window, fidgeting in the seat.
“Are you nervous?” I ask.
“A little,” she admits.
I reach across and lace my fingers through hers.
“But you trust me, don’t you?” I smile at her again.
“Of course.”  Her smile matches her statement.
We drive for fifteen minutes and I try to distract her with conversation, although I know she is still slightly anxious.  Then we reach our destination, and I pull into an empty parking lot, taking my pick of a random parking space.  The faint lights surrounding us light up the dark, gentle body of water ahead, which is unusually close.
“The lake?” she asks, turning to me.
I nod, unable to control my smiling, and jump excitedly out of the car.  She cautiously follows me, and even in the dark I can see the confused features on her face.
I slip my hand into hers again and lead her to the soft waves.  A mellow, summer breeze dances past us, causing her hair to brush against my arm.  As we grow closer to the water, we pass a sign that reads “Do Not Enter during the times of 9 p.m. and 5 a.m.  VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED.”
“Do you know what we’re doing?” I lean and whisper in her ear.
She shakes her head.
“We’re swimming in the lake,” I answer.
I untwine my finger from hers to pull my shirt over my head and toss it to the side, out of reach from the small waves.
“What if someone sees us?” she asks, concern apparent through her whisper.
“They won’t see us,” I say “As long as we’re quiet.”
I remove my pants, leaving only my boxers, and throw them next to my shirt.
“But…don’t they have Coast Guards watching-“
“They can’t be watching the entire lake at once.”
Swiftly, I walk to the edge of the sand and the waters roll up to reach my feet.  When I turn around to face her, she is still standing hesitantly.
“Don’t think twice about it,” I repeat.
She glances at the sign again, hesitating for a moment longer, then removes her tank top and shorts and places them in a bundle next to mine.  As she finally reaches me, I grab her bare skin and gently bring her into my arms.
“Look at you.  You’re already a risk taker,” I say between kisses.
A wide smile spreads across her flawless face.
“Thanks to you.”
I plant another, more passionate kiss on her lips, then we wade deeper into the lake.  The water is cooling down, but still slightly warm from the sun.  Closing my eyes, I dive under.  I push against the sand under my toes and glide effortlessly for as long as that single shove can take me.  I float there until I cannot hold my breath any longer.  Then I break the surface and shake the water from my hair.  Kailey lingers a few feet behind me, swimming with only her head above the surface.
“Hey, Kailey,” I shout, “I’ll race you to the other side!”
“That’s not fair, you have a head start,” she says jokingly.
“Well, then come up here next me and I’ll count us off.”
By the look on her face, I can tell she thinks that I am kidding.  She swims next to me to humor me.
But I am actually being serious.
“Okay, on the count of three,” I say, smiling,” One. Two. Three!“
And I race off, splashing frantically, leaving her behind.
“Austin!” she says, laughing “Get back here!  You can’t make it to the other side.  It’s miles away, you idiot.”
When I ignore her and continue racing, her tone becomes serious.
“Austin!  Seriously, come back!” she tries to call after me, but not too loud, “They’re going to see you!”
She pauses.  “If you don’t come back, I’m never going on a risk with you again!”
Her threats do not stop me.  I continue swimming, wondering how much longer she’ll yell after me.  When she is silent for a few moments, I stop suddenly and turn in her direction.  We are about twenty feet away from each other, and I can barely see her.  The most that I can make out is a black shape floating in the distance.
“Come on, baby,” I yell, “Come out here with me!  You’ve hardly explored out from the shore!  What kind of risk taker are you?”
“A smart one!”
“No such thing!” I say, “But it’s okay.  You’re a newbie.  You’ll catch on!”
I can see her, in my mind, rolling her eyes at my response.
It is then that I hear the noise before I see it.  A vicious rumble, closer to me than I’d realized.
When I turn my head to look, a blinding light shoots over my head.  As I turn my head back and make my escape, I see that Kailey has already made it safely to the shore, booking it for the car.
How did she get there so fast?
Before I can dive underneath the surface, the boat is directly behind me.
“ ‘Scuse me, sir,” shouts a brutal voice.
I halt, and then hesitate.  Could I out swim this speed boat?
I dispose the thought, the instant it is created.
“Are you aware what time it is?” the voice asks, shining a flashlight in my face.
I squint my eyes, trying to make out the figure standing above me.
“I’m sorry, I’m unaware.”
“Too late for you to be out ‘n about in this lake, that’s for sure,” she replies, removing the light from my face.  I can finally see her.
She is a heavy-set, African American lady.
“You are violatin’ the rules,” she says, shining her flashlight in my eyes again.
I shrink away, shielding my eyes with my hand.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, “I just-“
The sound of a car door slamming interrupts me.
The security lady flashes her light out into the distance at my car.
“So it sounds like you gotta friend witchu,” she says, glaring back down at me.  “And looks they is the smart one.”
“She must be,” I blurt out.
She looks amused by my comment, but I can tell she is trying to maintain the strict features in her face.
“Oh?  She?” she replies.  “You’re swimmin’ alone in this lake with a girl?  Hmmm that sounds awfully suspicious to me.”
“Well, you see, mam, we didn’t realize how late it was,” I try to explain.  “We were just trying to have some harmless fun.”
“Mhmm,” she emphasizes warily.  “How old are you, son?”
“Nineteen.”
“Well at least you past the legal sex age.”
Her comment catches me off guard.  “Um, we weren’t-“
She cuts me off, “Ya know I could have you prosecuted, right?”
“I know that I speak for both of us when I say that I’m very sorry and we won’t come here this late again.”
She shakes her head.
“Betta not.  You can get into some serious trouble.”
She speaks again before I have a chance.
“ This is just your warnin’ son.  Now, get on outta here.  ‘Fore I change my mind.”
“Thankyou,” I say quickly, and dash for the shore.
I can hear the boat behind me, rumbling in the opposite direction.
When I reach the shore, I see our clothes still strewn about the sand, next to my car keys.
I scoop up everything in one swoop and sprint to the car.
“Thank goodness you’re okay!” she cries anxiously as soon as I open the door and slide in.  “They let you go!”
“Of course I’m okay!” I completely ignore her worried tone.  “How the hell did you swim so fast?  And you left our stuff!”
“I panicked!  I saw the boat coming.”
“How did you expect to leave without the keys?” I say sarcastically, dangling them in front of me.
“I didn’t think about that until after I was already inside…”
I laugh.  “And you weren’t very sneaky either!”
“I was just trying to not get caught!”
“My god, Kailey, you are the worst person ever to take a risk with,” I say, putting the key in the ignition.
I can see the fear finally draining from her eyes.
“No, you’re the worst person to take a risk with.  How did you not see that boat coming?  What if the coast guard didn’t let you go?”
“Your problem is that you weren’t calm,” I laugh again.  “There are no what if’s in risk taking.”
“I’m sorry I don’t know all these ‘risk taking rules’“ she mocks, looking at me gravely.
I smile widely at her, trying to lighten her mood.
She stares at me unpleasantly.
I widen my smile even more and scoot closer to her.
The corners of her mouth quiver.  She presses her lips firmly together, unwilling to give in.
I continue grinning at her, and at last, her smile breaks through.
“Baby, even if you aren’t very good at risk taking, I still love you.”
She cannot wipe the smile off her face.
“And even though you don’t use your brain very well, I still love you.”
I laugh and lean in towards her.  I leave a trail of kisses slowly from her collarbone, to her neck, and up to her jaw line.
In response, she twists her body towards mine and kisses me deeply on the lips.
I wrap my arm around her waist, pulling her closer.
As we multi-task, kissing and trying to reposition ourselves at the same time, a boat horn honks in the distance.  Kailey startles at the sound, hitting her head on the window.
“Ow!  Shit!” she yells.
I can see the faint shape of the coast guard boat still lingering.
“Why don’t we go back to your house?” I say more than ask, arching an eyebrow at her.
She smiles at me as she settles back into her seat.  “Sounds good to me.”
I turn the key in the ignition and veer out of the parking lot.
“So no more risks,” she says as we drive towards her house.
I shake my head.  “Oh no, there will be plenty more.”**

         As the sun starts to fall, I feel a cool breeze against my arms, and I wish that I would have thought to grab a sweatshirt before I left.  Leaves on trees are beginning to change to brilliant shades of red, orange, and yellow.  I walk at a slow pace around the neighborhood and up to the small, busy shopping area just ten minutes distance from my house.  Shops are cleaning up and preparing to close soon as I walk past them.  I cross the parking lot, heading towards the family owned coffee shop.  When I reach the front entrance, I pause and finger the five dollar bill in pocket, contemplating if I want to spend it or not.  The coffee they serve isn’t the best, but I’m craving something hot.  I stand there for no longer than a minute, before the craving takes over and I walk inside.
As I reach the short line, I notice a dark haired girl with amazing legs in front me.  My eyes travel upward to her small, curvy waist, and linger there for a moment before she turns to me, breaking my stare.
“Austin!” she says in surprise, revealing herself as Svetta “Hey!”
The smile playing at the corners of her mouth suggest that she knew I was checking her out.
“Hey,” I reply, pretending I hadn’t been staring, “What are you up to?”
“Just dropping by to get a hot chocolate before I head home.”  Her smile never fades.
I smile back, but not out of happiness to see her.
“How come you haven’t been calling me back?” she says in a joking tone.
“Sorry, I’ve been really busy,” I lie, “But I was planning on calling you back tomorrow, actually.”
“Oh, funny I should see you here, then.”
She is next in line, and turns away from me to order her hot chocolate.
My eyes wander to her swaying hips and quickly flicker away as she walks away from the cashier.
I order a white mocha, extra hot, and notice that Svetta is waiting by the door.  She smiles at me again as I retrieve my drink and head towards her.
“So do you have anywhere to be?” she asks.
I run through the possible answers in my head for a split second.
“No.  Why?” I reply, although I have a clear idea of where she’s going with that statement.
“Do you want to hang out at my apartment with me for a little bit?  My roommate won’t be home for at least an hour.”
For some reason, I didn’t want to go back home.  I wanted to be anywhere but there for that moment.  Her offer sounded welcoming.
“Sure.  Sounds like fun,” I answer.



(TO BE CONTINUED...once i figure out how to add chapters...)