Jack 'O Tens

Jack 'O Tens



    So yesterday I was sittin' on the deck of my boat, the Jack O' Tens, anchored off the Port of New Orleans. It's a nice 80-foot yacht, I guess you'd call it, and it'll go like hell. I was sittin' there sippin' my good Jack Daniels whiskey when a government boat pulled alongside and a guy in a suit says he wants to board.

    "Sure, come on up," I say. "It ain't gonna do you no good, though."

    He climbed on up that little ladder and introduced himself. "Sir, I'm Scott Powell from the IRS.  First let me warn you. I can always tell when a man is telling a lie. Would you agree to answer a few questions about your income?"

    "Happy to. So's you know, the last government man, up in Palm Beach,  didn't do so good."

    "Do you know what happened to him?"

    "Not really," I said. "He disappeared after he was done talkin' to me."

    "Well, let's get started," the IRS guy, Powell, says. "Where does the money come from to support your extravagant lifestyle? This boat, for example, must have cost seven or eight million dollars at least. And you show no income." 

    "Sit down, then, Powell. Have a Jack Daniels with me if you like. Here's what happened. . . ."

   



    I ain't much of a man. Got shot up some in 'Nam and can't walk good. Ain't had a reg'lar job for a damn long time, and I s'pose I drink too much. Jack Daniels whiskey when I can get it.

    So last summer I was up in Minneapolis tryin' to keep cool. I saw this dive- lookin' place on about Broadway and Lyndale called "Jack O' Tens Bar and Grill." I was pretty hungry and gettin' tired. Sometimes a place like this'll give a man a burger and a drink for washin' some dishes or moppin' up the place. So I went inside.

    "Who's the boss?" I asked the crowd in general.

    One guy about my age, with lots of veins in his cheeks and nose, looked me up and down. "That'd be Ace of Spades," he said, "right there behind the bar."

    I'll be damned, I thought, if that slick bartender don't look like the Ace of Spades. He wore all black clothes, including one a them little black shoestring ties. He had black hair, slicked back on his head, greasy, from a point kinda low on his forehead. His eyes, his mouth, everthing seemed to slant in some, like if you painted a face on the Ace of Spades. I got a little chill on that hot night and wondered if this Ace was evil. 

    But I was hungry, and o' course thirsty, and I went on up to him. "You Mr. Ace of Spades?"

    Well, the man tilted back his head and studied me under them slanty black eyes. "Some say so."

    "I'm new in town, a little low on funds, and I been known to wash a few dishes and swamp a few floors for a burger and a Jack Daniels." I looked at the floor, and couldn't help it. "Looks like this floor could use a cleanin'.''

    "Like Jack Daniels, do you?"

    "If I can get it."

    Well, he hired me, and that was almost thirteen months ago, and I stayed there. Or, rather, I stayed at the Jack O' Tens Bar and Grill, wherever that was, until three months ago.

    See, this Jack O' Tens was one weird place. You could always find Ace here, and King of Diamonds, and Queen of Clubs, and few other regulars, and a few one-timers drifting in and out. And then, o' course, me. They called me Jack, I s'pose on accounta my preference in whiskey.

    King of Diamonds was a tall, square-built guy with blocky features, a red-splotched face, and red hair. The man had diamonds, too. He got diamond cufflinks, a diamond pinky ring, and a Rolex watch with diamonds all around it. He even carried a little gold axe in his suit pocket, just like the King of Diamonds in the deck of cards. 'Cept this little axe had diamonds on it.

    Queen of Clubs was a fine full-figured black woman, with bulges in the right places, and a big old-fashioned afro hairdo. She was friendly as can be, she never drank all that much, and she had a mellow gospel singin' voice that came all the way up from her toes. I never heard Queen sing no songs, though. She just sounded like she could.

    After a few days hangin' at the Jack 'O Tens I began noticing things was odd. I never saw nobody deliver no food or beer to the place. And I never saw no storeroom or big walk-in kind of cooler like you'd expect. And the bar refrigerator never got empty, no matter how many beers and sandwiches we served. Which really wasn't all that many, but still you'd think they needed to resupply.

    Then one sleepy Wednesday  or Thursday, along about three in the afternoon some guy I never seen before come runnin' into the bar carryin' what looked like a canvas bank bag. That bag was full. He was a big guy, maybe six-two, two forty, and out of breath. Right away he went over to the window that looked out on Broadway.  He took a deep breath and asked Ace for a Miller.   

    The stranger  took his bag and his beer and went over to King. That's what we called King of Diamonds. The stranger asked, "Why the hell they call this place Jack O' Tens?"

    King just said, "The name of the place."

    "There ain't no Jack of Tens," says the stranger.

    King took out that little axe, waves it and chops the air with it. "Right you are."

    And the damnedest thing happened. It sounded like thunder went off in the bar, but it was a clear day, and a puff of red smoke rose up where King hit the air with his axe. I went out like a light.

    I didn't know where I was when I woke up. Oh, it was still the Jack 'O Tens, alright, but it weren't no Minneapolis. I come to find out it was Cleveland, Ohio, and how we got there, the Jack 'O Tens, and my friends, Ace of Spades, King, Queenie, and me I'll never know. I do know the big stranger with the money sack never made it, and where he went I never did hear.

    After a coupla weeks in Cleveland some loudmouth walked in, him sayin' he was on the dodge from his wife who was after him for child support. He told Queenie, "No one will ever find me at the Jack 'O Tens, 'cause there ain't even any such card."

    Queen  says, "Whatever you say," and she gave a little wave, like with the back of her hand.

    Well, sir, the same thing happened as up in Minneapolis, with the red smoke and the God-awful noise, and everything went blank. This time I woke up in Sacramento.

    Well, as time went by, this thing with the disappearing act happened a few more times and I began to get used to it a little bit.We went from Sacramento to Waco, Texas, then to Chicago, and then to West Palm Beach, Florida, on Blue Heron Boulevard. And it always happened the same way, as I thought about it, with some customer, usually on the run from somebody, who would mouth off about there bein' no such thing as a Jack 'o tens. Then King, or Queenie, or maybe Ace would make a little motion and, bang, a new city and no more loudmouth.

    Now I never been the smartest man, but I done me a lotta thinkin' on this here Jack O' Tens situation, and I thought I might have me some answers. Seemed strange that this little bar had got together folks called Ace, King, Queen and Jack. Seemed strange too that all hell broke loose when anyone came in questionin' the Jack o' Tens, even though it was, to me just a name. Seemed strange that all this power, like nobody never seen in no natural way, came out to make folks disappear and relocate a whole bar. About the time I began to realize that there had to be some supernatural aspect operatin' here, a new customer come into the bar.

    The new guy was a skinny little dude not hardly big enough to sit at a barstool, but sit he did. He ordered a "10 Penny Bourbon."

    Ace scratches his head. "We ain't got that. Never heard of it."

    The new guy says, "Too bad. That's my brand. I'm partial to tens."

    Ace turns back and looks on the wall. "Hey, look what I found."

    He holds up a bottle labled "10 Penny Bourbon," which none of us ever saw or heard of before. Like I said, the Jack O' Tens was a real strange place and it got so not much of anything there ever surprised me. Ace poured the new guy his shot.

    Queenie ambled over, and you could see this new guy caught her interest.

    Queen asked, "So you like tens. Why is that?"

    "Well, I got me ten fingers and ten toes. I prolly got me ten dollars in this here wallet. And I think I got ten kids out there somewhere. Looks like ten is just naturally my lucky number."

    "And you ain't runnin' from nobody?"

    "Nope. I ain't got no enemies. Kinda like it here. Like the name of this place, Jack O' Tens. Think I might jest stay here a while if none a you minds."

    Queenie waved the back of her hand, like she did, and the noise and smoke came, but no one passed out. We all got a warm glow and felt like we just won some big lottery prize. I took out my wallet and it was crammed full of hundred-dollar bills. Everbody hugged everbody, and we was all like cryin' and laughin' at the same time. Ace of Spades kept sayin' over and over, "The hand is over and we won."

    I never asked no questions, but I got out of there promptly and never went back. Since then I been spendin' that money like crazy, but I just can't use it up. Whatever I spend or take out, it's all back in there next time I look.

    Now I could be wrong, but I figger we was all just a part of some big poker game bein' played by God and the Devil, or Angels, or some kinda powerful forces. Our man, or god, or angel, whatever, musta been bettin' on a straight and when that ten come in he filled it. It musta been a huge pot, 'cause we all got to share in it. Like I say, I could be wrong.

_________



    Back on my boat, the Jack O' Tens, IRS man, Powell, finished his Jack Daniels. "Interesting story," he said. "And what happened to Mr. Edwards, the first IRS agent to visit you?"

    "He said he didn't believe a word of it. Said there was no such thing as a Jack O' Tens.  I had to slam down my Jack Daniels glass and he disappeared in thunder and a cloud of red smoke."

    Mr Powell looked at me for a long time. He looked at the glass, resting on the deck table, in my right hand.

    Mr. Powell said, "You know, Jack, I believe you. You will not be hearing from us again."

    As he was going back down that little ladder to his waiting government boat, he reversed himself and climbed back up a couple of steps. Raising his head above the rail he asked me, "Jack, do you have any idea where I might find that card game?"



1989 words