Vacation

Vacation


Gilford entered the Universal Virtual Vacations building.  He went to the receptionist’s desk and said, “I need a vacation.”

The receptionist replied, “Well of course you do and you’ve certainly come to the right place.  Vacations are what we do.  I’ll ring one of our associates.  Please have a seat.”

Almost immediately a rotund little being bounded out of one of the many doors behind the receptionist’s desk as if he had just broken some invisible leash that had been holding him back.

Filbert had his hand out while sliding to a stop just as Gilford was rising from his chair.  They shook hands, Filbert rapidly pumping up and down while saying, “So glad to meet you, sir.  My name’s Filbert; how may I assist you?”

Gilford said, “I’m Gilford.  I’m tired and my job’s killing me, metaphorically speaking, and I just need a break.”

Filbert inquired, “What is your occupation, if I may ask?”

Gilford said, “Reporter.  I cover the executive and legislative branches of the Universal Government, the President, House, Senate, mostly, elections, that sort of thing.”

Filbert said, “Sounds very exciting.”

Gilford said, “Well yes, once, a long, long, long, long, long, sorry, yes at one time it was kind of exciting, but now it’s just the same old story, you know the same old song, corruption here, scandal there, backbiting, mudslinging.  It’s just making me sick, again metaphorically speaking.  I only use 6 stories now, just change a few names and a line or two and they work out perfectly.  Actually I’ve got a seventh story about the ‘good’ one of these politicians has done, but it hasn’t been used for so long I don’t know if I can still find it.”

Filbert said, “Yes indeed, I can see you certainly may make a most beneficial use of the services we provide.”

“And what exactly do you offer?” Gilford asked.

Filbert started his spiel, “Of course we offer the same virtual packages as all of the other travel agencies, mountains, beaches, skiing, cruises or simply drifting through space or visiting exotic places, but we can offer one thing none of the other agencies can offer, a virtual life.  It’s called our Virtual Earth Life Tour.

“The Virtual Earth Life Tour by far outclasses anything we or anyone else has.  The Earth application was designed by a very talented group of programmers that works mainly in the area of corporeal life forms.  Earth is located in a universe absolutely filled with all kinds of interesting objects and is made even more interesting by the inclusion of many physical laws that govern the way these objects react to each other.  Of course these laws may be modified to your own liking during the setup process.  It is thoroughly explained in the Earth Tour Guide.”

“Corporeal life, sounds interesting,” Gilford replied.

Filbert handed Gilford the Earth Tour Guide as he said, “A fine choice for a vacation, sir.  I go there myself every chance I get.  Almost all ethereal beings, such as ourselves, find it most fascinating to live a simulated lifetime in a material world.  And the Virtual Earth Life vacation is a true vacation.  Unlike most vacations, where you’ve constantly got work or something on your mind, with the Virtual Earth program you have no connection to your real life.  No knowledge of your real life whatsoever.  Of course when you return from vacation all your memories are fully intact, including everything you did while on vacation.”

Gilford didn’t even open the Earth Tour Guide.  He thought, ‘There must be a thousand pages.’  He said, “I really haven’t got time to read this.  What is it about anyway?”

Filbert said, “It explains all the options available to tailor your trip.  You may change a vast number of parameters.  I’ll give you an example.  Say for instance you choose the pre-destiny option and as sub-options choose upper middle-class worker and scientist, class - theoretical, subsection - physicist / clinical as your life’s work then, if you set your goal to do so, you might be challenged to find and identify as many of the 300 material elements that makes up the virtual Earth universe.  Of course it would be impossible to find all the elements unless you also choose the limited size universe and unlimited speed options.”

“I didn’t understand one word you said, but you seem to be a bright young man, just tell me; what options would you choose?”

Filbert beamed.  “I’m glad you asked, sir; I suggest the standard package.  Frankly we’ve had some customers that weren’t completely satisfied after making modifications to the basic program.”

“How so?”

“Well, in the example I gave you, so many factors have to be taken into account that most people overlook any number of criteria that must be considered.  It may be as simple as choosing the wrong time period, say the 17th century and not upgrading the technology of that time period.  In the basic program no provision has been made for space travel during the 17th century.”

“There are different timelines?”

“Oh my yes, indeed.  I should have brought that up earlier.  The Earth application allows you to visit any of an almost unlimited number of historical periods.  Here, let me show you.”

Filbert deftly flipped the Earth Tour Guide open to page 1217.  Gilford thought, “I really missed with my original estimate,” since Filbert still wasn’t quite halfway in the book.

“Here it is.  The time line drawing for the humanoid life-form.”

It started with a salamander crawling out of a pond, progressed through several stages of development to upright striding creatures that progressively straightened and smoothed out and ended with what looked like a mechanical upright striding creature.  The numbers under the drawing meant nothing to Gilford.

Gilford asked, “I can choose to start my vacation at any point along this line?”

Filbert said, “Of course, sir, but.”  Filbert glanced back over his shoulder then whispered, “I suggest not starting near the beginning or the end.  One fellow absolutely insisted he start at the very beginning.  When he returned he just kept repeating food, hide, run, food, run, hide, hide.  It took us two hours to get the poor guy snapped out of it.”

Gilford leaned in close and whispered, “What about the other end of the line?”

Nervously Filbert whispered, “That was Marketing’s doing.  They wanted more so they went to the big boss and he hired a bunch of hacks to write it after George, Otis and Darrel, the three original programmers I mentioned earlier, refused to do it.  Boy, were they ever mad.  In this sub-routine the humans lost in a war with the robots they had built.  I took the two-week demo.  Every day or two something would break down and some of the other robots would have to haul my tin carcass back to the shop for repairs.  Being a robot is just no fun at all.  It was a terrible life; I sure was glad when it was over.”

“Two weeks?  That’s how long the virtual vacation lasts?  I can’t possibly take that much time off.”

“Oh no, sir.  The Virtual Earth Life vacation encompasses an eighty-year span.  Sometimes it actually runs a little longer depending on the story line, it has been known to go as high as 115, but much beyond 80 is a rarity.  But, remember this is subjective time.  Actually in real time your virtual vacation may be taken during your afternoon coffee break.  Only a few minutes.”

Gilford said, “Eighty years?  I think I might get pretty bored vacationing for eighty years.”

“Oh no, sir.  Eighty is a very reasonable time.  The program runs slowly at the beginning but by the time it approaches half way it starts to pick up speed. By two thirds of the way through time seems to be flying by.”

Gilford thought, “There’s no real reason I have to get back right this minute, I can catch up to anything those crooks and scoundrels are doing, they’ve probably already done it before so I’ve already got the story. “

“A few minutes, huh?  Can I start right now?”

“By all means, yes, sir.  We can supply your virtual vacation and have you out the door in almost no time at all.”

Gilford said, “Ok.  I wish to purchase your Virtual Earth Life standard vacation package.”

“And the method of payment?” Filbert asked.

“Universal MasterCard, of course,” Gilford said.

“Of course, sir.  Just a few questions and you’re ready to go.  Gender.  Do you prefer male or female?”

“Does it make a difference?”

“No, it’s just one of the questions I have to ask.”

“Well then put down either one, I don’t care.”

“Very well, male then.  Which control option do you prefer, Pre-Destiny or Free-Will?”

Gilford asked, “What’s the difference?”

Filbert said, “With the Pre-Destiny option selected the program randomly plans your vacation at startup.  It then executes that plan from start to end.  You do not have to make any decisions at any time.  This could be a very good option if, say for instance, you choose to be the king of a small island nation and you turn out to be a despised, depraved tyrant, not that you ever would if you were in control, sir, but simply as an example, you could blame it on Pre-Destiny.  Now with the Free-Will option, basically your virtual life is in your hands, so to speak.  The program still does all the major processing but you would also be able to alter many aspects of your vacation.  You may not set a life path with the Free-Will option; whatever you make of your life is up to you.  You make decisions, choices; you can change the course of your virtual life, within limits of course.  Personally, I think it makes the whole adventure more exciting.”

Gilford said, “I like choices and I sure don’t want to be a despised, depraved tyrant.  Make it Free-Will.”

“Very good choice, sir.  That simplifies the entire setup.  One moment please.”

Tap, tap, tap, tap…tap, tap.

“Just a couple more questions.  What year do you choose to start your vacation?”

Gilford said, “I don’t want to be a salamander or a robot.  Somewhere around the middle I guess.”

“Would circa 1950 be suitable, sir?”

“Yes, that will do fine.”

Tap, tap, tapitty, tap, tap, tap, tap, tapitty, tap, …tap, tap, tap, tap.

Filbert asked, “Are there any of the physical laws you wish to change, gravity, speed of light, molecular composition, any of that sort of thing?”

Gilford chuckled, “No way, I don’t know anything at all about that stuff.  If I started changing things like that it might turn your virtual program virtually inside out.”

“Very well, sir.”

Tap, tap… tap, tap, tap, tap… tap.

Filbert said, “You’re all set.  Simply go to the room with the white door.  As soon as you close the door your virtual vacation begins.  When the program finishes just exit the room through the same door.  Have fun.”

Gilford said, “Thanks,” and started toward the room.

Gilford entered the room then closed the white door.

*

Bob Smith was born on Earth in the year 1950.  He learned to walk and he learned to talk and he went to school and he rode a bicycle and he drove a car and he knew love and he got married and he knew responsibility and he worked at four different jobs, one after another, and he bought a house and he had a mortgage and he had good times and he had bad times and he never got rich and he never got famous and he had four children and he knew joy and he had 9 grandchildren and he had 18 great grandchildren and he laughed and he cried and he knew anger, but he never knew hate, and he knew compassion and he knew kindness and when it was time, when he was eighty years old, with his wife and his children and his grandchildren and his great grandchildren gathered round, although he didn’t know why, he smiled and said, “This has been more fun than I could ever have imagined,” and he knew it was true and he knew contentment and he died.

*

Gilford was still smiling as he exited the room with the white door.

Filbert said, “I trust you had a good vacation sir.”

“Very, very good vacation it was.  It must have been good, I need to go back to work to rest up from it.”  They both laughed.  Gilford said, “I want to thank you so much.”

Filbert said, “We’re here to serve.  We have, you know, recorded your entire trip.  If you so wish you may make the same journey again and again.”

“No, I had a great life.  I wouldn’t have missed it for anything, but I have no desire to ever relive it.  Thanks, but, if you would, please delete the recording.  My memories will be more than sufficient.”

Gilford thought of the memories, eighty years worth of memories, memories of things past, but surely memories that would never be forgotten.  He knew they would forever bring him moments of joy at what he had found and also moments of sadness at what he had lost.

Filbert said, “Very well, sir.  Please think of us when planning your next vacation.”

“I most certainly will Filbert; good day… and I’m sure I’ll see you again.”

Gilford still wore a hint of a smile, not happy, not sad, maybe a little of both, as he exited the Universal Virtual Vacations building, an ethereal tear trickling down his ethereal cheek.