#1: For What It's Worth: Is It Worth IT?

    I've always wanted to be a
columnist. I've always had a
great deal of respect for the
good ones (i.e. Dear Abby,
Miss Manners.) So, with a
simple wave of the wand from
the Columnist Princess (who,
oddly enough, doubles as a for-
tune teller) and her uttering of
the magic words, "Abra-kad-
abra...Giveth thy moron talent...
Ok...that will be twenty bucks,
freak...Now stop bothering me
and get lost before I call the
cops." Uh, I don't know who
she was referring to in that last
sentence.
    However, this style of writ-
ing (style as in "being respon-
sible") presents a bit of a prob-
lem for me. As a writer, I always
have had a preference for the
comedic approach with most
any topic. As a columnist, how-
ever, if I wish to be taken
seriously, I can't always go
into every topic with a "just
keep 'em laughing" mind-
set. Nobody will ever take
me seriously. (But, come
to think of it, nobody ever
really has so what the hell
am I sweating, anyway?) As
a result, I have written two
"first columns" already and
have tossed them both. The
first one: So damn funny it al-
most triggered a brain aneurysm
(which did, I must add, get
my wife's hopes up briefly).
The second one: I over-comp-
ensated, and was so serious
(a.k.a. dull) that it would have
made for a good piece only if
it were placed in with the obit-
uaries. And even that's assu-
ming that nobody of note had
died.) So, rather than attempting
to try and please everybody but
instead, coming off sounding
like a politician trying to convince
both sides of the aisle that I am
just what they need, I have
chosen the "I gotta be me"
approach. Heck, if this doesn't
work out, I can always try politics
later on (but I really would prefer
to earn an honest living if at all
possible.)
    At this point in my first column I
thought it would be informative to my
readers to indicate the types of iss-
ues that I will be addressing on a
twice weekly schedule, but then I
thought, Why guess what the masses
(all six of them) want when I can just
open up the floor to questions now,
and skip the guesswork? Plus, this
way, by allowing you, the reader, to
ask the questions, am I not "keeping
it real?" Also, you now can have com-
plete confidence in the fact that all
questions are spontaneous and not,
in fact, mere "plants" by some nin-
compoops I hired. So, with that in
mind, I now open the floor to you, my
loyal readers. Please remember to
use proper decorum when posing
your question, and remember to
please limit your questions to those
listed on the sheet I passed out to
you all a few minutes ago (Note to self:
Be SURE to delete that last line before
this column passes thru final edit.) OK,
who's first? Please raise your hand...
you, sir, in the ugly fedora that has a
tag that says, "Press" on it: go ahead...
    Thank you, sir...Jimmy Olson/ Daily
Planet. What sort of issues do you think
will comprise most of your columns?
      Good question, Jimmy. And thank
you for asking your questions in italics
since it helps my readers differentiate
between questions from the floor and
my answers, which are in "regular" type.
I ask all of you in attendance here today
to also address me in italics as well. Now,
to answer your question...Oh hell, I forgot
it! Wait, I remember...issues in my
columns...yes...Let me just say that I want
to become known as a "man of the people,"
in other words tackling issues that even
the most formidable columns wouldn't dare
touch...
    When you say "formidable columns,"
just who are you referring to?
    Well, Jimmy, first of all, you didn't raise
your hand to ask the second question....
You must raise your hand to ask a question.
Because I answered your first question does
not mean you can just run "carte blanche"
all over my damn column now, does it?
      Sorry...
      Sometimes "sorry" just isn't good enough,
mister! And you just spoke AGAIN without
raising your hand. I think somebody needs a
time-out. You go over there, in the corner, and
take a few minutes and think about what
you've done...when you think you ready to
come back and act like a freaking profess-
ional, you come back, act like a grown-up,
and, for the love of God, man, RAISE YOUR
HAND, then maybe, just maybe, I'll call on
you and we can continue. I will now answer
your question...not because I have to... but
because I want to...But you know what, we're
out of column space here for today.
    Readers, if you have any issues you
would like me to address in a future column,
be sure and let me know...I only ask this of
you: Make it a national issue....Let's face it,
the defeat of a school bond issue in Podunk-
ville, population 349, might be of vital con-
cern to you, but it might be a tough sell to
anybody else. Make it relevant....In other
words: relatively current (I would prefer not
to rehash the Kennedy Assassination one
more freaking time, thank you) Make it some-
thing that is easily verifiable by me or one
of my lackeys (oh yes, some day I will have
lackeys to push around.) For instance, if
perhaps you have had recent UFO contact,
then I really am happy for, you, but even
though you may swear on ET's life that it
really happened, it'll be tough for me to
"run with it." Make it something that can
be covered in about 600 words (the size of
a typical column). In other words, if I have
to provide background details that rival the
word count of "War and Peace" then per-
haps you should sent that topic suggestion
to another columnist (I'll provide "enemies"
list on request.)
    That being said, then let it begin! Is that
a Pulitzer I smell?