saying goodbye

I went in quietly, afraid that I might close the door behind me too loudly and wake her up. I saw her sleeping peacefully on her bed, curled up like a scared child. I was afraid to touch her as she looked so delicate. She really was a beauty. She was a beauty I was about to leave forever.

I had met Elizabeth in college when we both studied together in Australia. After my father's death, my eldest sister leaving us all alone, all of our families responsibilities were in my hand. I had to study hard so I could become someone great, get a good job and later be successful in life. Elizabeth was the only one who kept me alive around all those dark, dark things. She was the only light that helped me walk when it all got too dark. She was always there for me. Not always speaking but keeping me company silently. She was like a soul mate, a true friend that I needed at this crucial stage.

After we finished college, I took Elizabeth home. I introduced her to mom. I remember that evening clearly. The house smelled of delicious butter chicken and grilled broccoli. She wore a pink flowery dress that day that contrasted with her red shoes and made the red highlights in her hair stand out. She looked stunning and I remember mum winking at me and telling me to close my mouth. We had food outside in the garden and later she persuaded me to give her a swing. I swung her and her hair skipped in the air in delight. She was happiness. She didn’t have to do anything to make me smile. When I had told her this, she said “John, you’ll never understand. I have my tricks.”

I looked at her looking so innocent. I never had told her I loved her. It was so obvious, we both knew but I was too shy to tell her. Those three little words just never forced themselves out of my throat and every time I tried, chunks of saliva would start choking me before I would even reach love. I always got stuck at “I…I…I” and it never happened. I remembered our last Friday's moonlight walk.

We walked on the beach, on the cold sand. Elizabeth had forced me to take off my shoes because that was the real fun. My life had met fun only because of her, so I knew I had to obey her right away. She said it was amazing how good it felt when the cold, grainy sand tingled between your toes. With shoes in one hand and the other one holding each others, we walked late at night. She smelled of lavender and her hair of coconuts. She leaned her head on my shoulder and my heart skipped a beat.

“John, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she said.

“What do you mean? You’re perfect. You don’t need anyone.”

“Nobody’s perfect john. And without needing someone else, a persons alone, so I’m glad I need you,” she said.

I laughed,“I don’t get what you’re trying to say princess.”

She smiled at me with her eyes twinkling as the moonlight shone.

“It’s you, John. You make me feel so special. All that I do is because you keep telling me I can do it. You let me be me. When I’m with you, I’m a free bird. I’m someone who can control my own life and someone who is needed. I never want to leave you…please remember that,” and as she finished saying this I saw tears fill her eyes.

“Hey princess. Is something wrong? Are you not telling me something?” I asked her worriedly not completely understanding what she had said.

She smiled her angelic smile at me and shook her head. We walked silently besides each other and my heart felt heavy as I wondered what the big secret was.
 
Before we parted that evening I held her gaze for long. When she started going towards her main door, my fingers curled tightly around hers.

“Is there something you wanted to say?” she asked me.          

Yes, I had to tell her I loved her and she made my life complete. I had to tell her she was my everything and how she had talked about her never leaving me, I would die if she would. I had to tell her how crazy I was about her, how she filled up my senses and how I wanted to marry her and make her mine forever. At that moment I just wished hearts could have special, natural transferring messages system. Life would be so much easier if I wouldn’t have to say everything and she could just know without any talking.

“Nothing, goodnight,” I nervously said. I could’ve slapped myself.

How had I known that the moment I’d sit in my car, it would all change my satisfied life. I was about to start the car when I noticed a blue flash. I looked at the side and found Elizabeth’s phone lying on the front seat. I picked it up and saw doctor Ruby’s messages. Whatever I read that night ended all the peace in my life. My life shattered into so many million pieces that it was impossible to collect them. Every word I read hit me like a billion bricks. Every word Elizabeth had said tonight finally sunk in- “I never want to leave you, please remember that.”

Before she woke up I had to force the three precious words I had been saving forever. There was no holding back now. I bent down and touched her soft, pink cheek delicately with my finger. Her smooth flesh rubbed against my big hand. I longed for her to twirl her thin fingers around mine. I kissed her cheek softly and brushed her lip against mine lightly.  I drew near her ear and slowly whispered “I love you, so much,” and as I did a tear fell from my eye and drained down her cheek. Her eyes suddenly jerked open and she hugged my waist like a terrified child.

“John, I love you too,” she whispered.

I drew back form her and untangled her arms around me.

“I didn’t say anything like that. What are you talking about, Elizabeth? I’m glad you woke up. Let’s make this quick and less painful, okay?” I told her in such a rough tone that I couldn’t believe it was coming out of me.

“I heard what you said. I was waiting for you to. I don’t get what you’re saying now. What are you talking about? I’m utterly confused,” she said with a dreamy smile on her face. She rubbed her eyes sleepily.

“I never said that. I’m here to tell you that I’m leaving you Elizabeth. I’m leaving you forever. I can’t be there for you all the time. I need to be free. Remember what you said that night? About how I make you feel free and in control? As a matter of fact, you’re too controlling. It’s like you’ve tied me in ropes and you make me do unwanted things. I want to fly too. Why do I always have to do everything you force me to? What if I don’t want to walk on the beach barefoot? What if I don’t want to loosen my tie? What if I don’t want to…everything. I can’t take it anymore, Elizabeth. I need to get out,” I said.

It had taken me a week to plan this speech. All I wanted was for it to be harsh but what I had just taken out of my mouth were sharp thorns. Thorns that I knew had poked right inside her heart. Her nose turned red and her eyes blurred with tears.

“John, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you felt this way. Let’s talk it out baby? Okay? Please love,” she said.

Yes, john. I had to sit down and talk it out. What was I doing? I couldn’t just leave her, how would I survive? But instead of apologizing like crazy for even daring to hurt her, more hurtful words came out of my mouth.

“See! Again, the forceful you. Why are you such a pusher Elizabeth? Why should I talk it out! I don’t want to talk it out Elizabeth. We can’t ever be anything, goodbye,” I told her and slammed the door behind me.

My head became dizzy and started spinning like I was drunk. I was drunk in sorrow. I had ruined it. My words seemed like a distant memory. My own soul was distant from my body. I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I ran as long as my long legs took me. I ran till my sweat and tears got mixed. I ran till I was breathless…and I ran away like I had from Elizabeth. I drowned myself in tears. My head in my hands and I fell as my knees became too weak to hold my weight. The earth felt still and it was as if everyone was moving too fast around me. What had I done? I knew what I had done. Like I had always run away, I had ran away again. Everyone my entire life had rejected me, had left me alone. Everyone had left me alone and made me run away, far away from reality.

That night when I had opened those messages I had gotten to know about Elizabeth’s pending death. I had gotten to know about the incurable disease affecting her, about the cancer filling her body. I had gotten to know that she only had months to live. Just a few months and then she would leave me forever. She would leave me like everyone had.

Was I that bad? I questioned God day and night. Did I not deserve anything at all? Why was it that whenever I would start loving someone so intently, they would get snatched away from me? That is when I decided that just to avoid the fact of another person leaving me; I had to leave her before she did. I was not strong enough to see her body be taken away from me. I was too weak. I was a weak, pathetic loser who was leaving the one girl who had changed his life. Who was hurting her and leaving her. Her long pleads that had ended up in sobs echoed inside my heart and tore it apart. I screamed my lungs out as if it would erase the mistake i had made and all would be forgiven. If mountains were weak buildings they would’ve crumbled down, like my world had. I had been petrified. “I never want to leave you…remember that,” that promise, the way she had said it so sternly, revolved around my head. At least I had fulfilled her promise. She hadn’t left me, before she had gotten the chance, I had said goodbye.