Ice Fishin'

Word Count 2367

I come to ice fishin’ late in life.  I was eighteen.  Eighteen, in the town where I come from, is ancient for a boy to find his true callin’.  Most guys stand up in church or at a family gatherin’ of some kind an’ announce their plans straight out by the times theys fourteen or so.  “I feels the calling to preach!” they might declare some Sunday morning – ‘specially if the preacher has a nice looking daughter.  Or they might declare that they intend to go away to some University where there are a lot of pretty girls – though they don’t usually mention that part.  Not that I blame ‘em.  I figured they was bein  truthful ‘nuff  since everybody knows the Lord moves in mysterious ways and if a pretty girl ain’t somthin’ mysterious then I’m Abraham Lincoln.  So when I decided to become a full time ice fishin’ kind a guy people were pretty amazed.  I mean, heck, they were dumfounded.  They shook their heads in utter disbelief.  ‘Specially since they know’d real well how I didn’t know one thing about fishin’ for ice!

Now how it was that I came to this noble callin’ is a story in itself.  You see, I was up on Keller Creek foolin’ round, shootin’ squirrels.  Things had been pretty slow an’ I didn’t have ‘nuff for even a stew when I decided I needed a break.  So I hung the measly two squirrels I had in a fur tree and sat down at it’s base.  I then took out my whittlin’ knife an’ begun a carvin’ my initials on the trunk to sorta let people know I was here.  I was gettin’ along jus’ fine when I heared some rustlin’ in the bushes on the other side a the tree.  So I looked the trunk and jus’ about spit fried tomatoes!  Facin’ me was the biggest, meanest, angriest mama bear you ever did see.  She was up and on her back paws an’ looked like she was ‘bout to invite me fer supper. Her supper!

I did ‘xactly what you’d done if you was me.  I climbed that big tree as fast an as high as I could go.  Ol Superman woulda had trouble keeping up with me.  I got up there among the clouds and slowed down to take a breath, being dizzy from the oxeegen deparvation you get from high attitude stuff you know, when I looked down and that there bear was comin’ after me like greased lightnin.  So I took off climbin higher and higher, and that ol’ mama  kept comin as fast as I could go.  I don’ know what she was all mad about but I warn’t trying to have no discussin’ about it either.  So I kept climbin’ an’ so did she.

The funny thing about trees is that the higher you go the smaller them branches get.  I mean ya start with limbs as big ‘round as yer leg and when you get more in a few feet up it seems the branches get real small, real fast.  Not that it matters much when yer bein’ persued by a mad ol’ mama bare.  You just keep climbin’ and hopin, and prayin that them branches you are grabbin’ on are enough to keep you ahead of the bear and the branches the bear is a grabbin in a mad pursuit of her dinner aint’ enough to keep her in the tree.  That’s what you do, ya know.  You climb, ya hope, and ya pray.  Boy do ya pray.

Now I mentioned that the Lord moves in mysterious ways, din’ I?  I think I did, and I herein  bear my testimony that the Lord does, in fact, move in mysterious ways.  Ya see, I got so high that them branches got so small that I figured all my climbin’ all my hopin’ an’ all my prayin’ waren’t gonna be ‘nuff.. And I was right.  The branches upon which I was relyin’ on for my salvation gave way and I came scootin’ down that tree like bacon grease slides on a hot skillet.  Which woulda been okay if at the same time the Lord didn’ choose to do the same thing ta that bear!  ‘Course maybe the Lord had nothin’ to do with it.  Maybe it was ‘cause I landed on the mama bare!  I don’ know, but jus as I met her the branches upon which she was relyin’ stopped bein’ reliable.  And then both a us was too busy clutchin’ and clawin’ and bouncin' off branches to consider for a moment the mysteries of the Lord 

So we came down, fast, and when we hit the ground we landed on a bunch of them green branches that had come with us and cause we was in the middle of winter and the snow was deep ‘nuff, we started down the hill toward the lake below, riddin’ them branches like some kinda bobsled, bouncin’ off one snow covered rock after another until we built up ‘nuff speed to slide onto that lake at about 900 miles an hour.  We was cruising so fast the snow on the ice was a streak a fire behind us where we passed.

Now to understand what comes next and because this here is an honest to God true story of how the Lord works in truly mysterious ways you need to know something ‘bout ice fishin’.  You see, in the beginning, I figure that ice fishin’ started out when some caveman bein’ stuck in his cave for a long, long time, it being winter and all, an’ his woman started naggin’ and such, like women folk do.  So the woman was a naggin’ – “don’ put yer club there, “ “stop scratchin’ there,” “can’t you ever pick up yer own pieces of flint,” and stuff like that.  And the man was quietly grumbling an doin’ whatever he could to get away from the naggin’ until they jus’ couldn’t stand it any longer and went for a walk.

Now if you been payin’ attention, you know that walkin’ in the woods in the winter can lead to all sorts a problems, bears being just one of ‘em.  You also know that when it comes to a mad mama  bear there ain’t no tree you kin climb tall ‘nuff to keep her offa yer tail.  So between the women at home and the mad mama bears cruisin’ the woods I figure the guy had no place to go but out on the ice of the lake.  There he at least had some protection from the anger of the females of whatever species she might be.  I mean I never heard of no bear ice fishin’, have you!  So the guy heads for the frozen water and leave the dry land for the females.  And since he’s not the only one bein’ pert near nagged to death, pretty soon he’s joined by a whole pack of other cave guys.  Along with somebody’s bowl of fermented berry juice.

A course once them men started gatherin fer peace and quiet out on the ice they had to ‘splain to them women in the cave why they was hangin’ out in the middle of a frozen lake.  They coulda said, “well dear,  I go to the middle of the lake to get away from you naggin and from female bears,” but all that woulda got them is a knock on the head with a rock.  So I figure the conversation when somthin’ like this:

“Where have you been!  The fire toasted elk meat has been burned for hours!” she says, angry like.

“Out on the lake.”

“On the lake?!  Why? -- there’s nothing there!” She picked up the rock.

Thinking fast, he asked, “we’re hunter/gatherers ain’t we?” 

She scratches her head, nods, and lowers the rock a bit.

Encouraged the man continues.  “Therefore when I go out to the middle of the frozen lake I go to hunt and gather!”

The rock goes up again as she asks, “And what, exactly do you think you’ll find in the middle of a frozen lake?”

He knows his answer had to be good.  “Fish?”  he says, hopefully.

The answer surprises the woman.  “Fish?... and how, exactly, do you think you can get them from under the ice?” she asked, rock still poised.

“Uh…through a hole?” he asks, obviously, well, fishin’ for a rock avoidin’ answer.

She cocks her head and puts down the rock.  She looks at him with that calculating look a woman gets when she thinks she has her man in a really tight pickle.  “Okay” she says and points to the cave opening.  “Go, and don’t come back without one!”

That’s how I think it happen anyway.  So the caveman goes flyin’ out the door, glad to get away without meetin’ the rock but now he has a problem.  How does one get a fish to come through a hole in the ice?  He goes out to the ice where he meets his buddies and the fermented berry juice and tells them of his problem.  They sort a confer an’ one of ‘em finally figures out that if they put a squirrel down the hole some fish will try to eat it.  When that happens they can grab the fish and make their women happy.

So they get a squirrel an’ hold it under the water, which does not make the squirrel too happy,  until the guys arm freezes and falls off.  Nope, that don’t work.  So they try other things until somebody figures out that if they tie the squirrel to a length of leather then their arms won’t fall off.  So they try that but while it’s better the fish still ain’t comin’ outta the hole.

By this time there’s a whole mess a guys standin’ around lookin at the squirrel on a string tryin’ ta figure out how to get the fish to chase the squirrel out a the hole.  And since there a a lot a guys standin’ around the hole naturally they need the fermented berry juice to improve their smarts.

So they drink they argue, they cuss, they scratch, and they watch the squirrel as it’s dunked in the hole.  Over and over with the same dismal result.  Frozen squirrel goes into the hole, fish takes a bite, frozen squirrel comes out of the hole but fish stays behind.  Which they think is pretty funny and start singin’ ‘bout it, makin’ up squirrel in the hole songs and jokes, an’ getting’ louder and louder the more fermented berry juice they drink.

Finally though, I guess because if you dunk a squirrel enough time you get this result, some really big fish takes a bite a frozen squirrel too big to swallow and gets the frozen squirrel stuck in its craw.  So when they yank the frozen squirrel out a the hole the big fish comes with it floppin and flyin around the ice while everbody hoops and hollers tryin’ to avoid it thrashin and ‘specially tryin to keep it from upsetting the bowl of fermented berry juice.

Now as I was sayin’ that’s how ice fishin’ got started, but the reason it kept goin is ‘cause the minute them caveman took that big fish home to the dumbfounded look of his woman she was after him to do it again.  Talk ‘bout ruinin’ a good thing!  So in the middle of winter she nags him to get out there, get a squirrel and go ice fishin’. Not that he minded much since as long as he had his fermented berry juice, some buddies and a frozen squirrel he was happy.

So ever since the caveman there’s been ice fishin.  Not that it hasn’t progressed much.  I mean now you got all kinds a things to make all the fermented berry juice drinkin, and fishin even more comfortable.  You got yer basic hole makin ager.  You got yer stout and sturdy hole mindin’ stool.  You even got yerself a sort a shack you can put out there complete with chairs, pot bellied stoves, an’ even beds!  But best of all, at least from the squirrels perspective, you don’t gotta use no dunkin’ squirrel!  For which squirrels everywhere are mighty thankful.

Anyway, there we was, that mama bear and me, slidin’ across the ice leaven flames behind us and wonderin’ if we’d ever stop when right dead set in front of us comin’ up fast was one of them shacks sittin’ out on the ice nice an pretty like.  It was made out a canvas, a sort of tent type affair and smoke was a driftin out a a hole in its top as if somebody was making something good to eat.  Like I said though, we was movin’ so fast I din’t have much time to contemplate the nature of the lunch somebody in the shack was expectin’ to have, before we -- me an’ the bear -- slid under the edge of the canvas and ran smack dab into a giant pot bellied stove, which stopped us rather abruptly.

There was a scream.  There were also two animals, me and the bear, who struggled to get to our feet without stepping into the hole in the floor.  Then, as we accomplished that there was more screaming.  After a few seconds the bear got her – well, bearings -- and decided she would have me for lunch after all.  But before she could take a chomp the girl who was screaming, stopped, got her bearings and walloped that bear right on the top of its’ head with a giant fryin’ pan.

The bear spun around, looked cross-eyed at the girl, slipped, and lay calmly down between the hole and the pot bellied stove.  Out cold.  I looked at the girl.  She looked at me, and right then the Almighty gave me my callin’. From then on I knew that I was called to be an ice fishin’ preacher because ‘cause you just can’t ‘scape the mysteries of a pretty girl, a angry bear and God’s callin.’  Yep, the Lord sure do work in mysterious ways!