Do not look to me for absolution

Sometimes in the still of the morning
Before the world awakens, and the hustle begins
I remember you.
The big spender.
The writer.
The boisterous gift giver.
I do not miss what you never gave me.


Leave me leave me and drown in your drink
It's quieter here with out you,
And in the calm I finally feel safe enough
To emerge from my closet.
I grow as you withdraw
And find more air without
Your smoky presence.


Enough room, enough air
To ask, finally, what I am
And what I want
It's easy to know what I don't want
I don't want to drink myself into a stupor
And then scare kids with
Tickle fests that make them pee their pants.
Do not look to me for absolution.


I've raise four kids
And married thrice
And here I'll stay.
I've fought my boozy battles.
Today my body betrays me,
But still life is good.
I choose life where you chose death.
Leave me leave me and drown in your drink.


My memories are nightmares I rarely indulge.
Trips up steep mountain roads
At high speed chauffeured by a drunk
Have left their mark
Today I love the flat lands
Where I can bail
When faced with betrayal.
The dinner hour held such tension
Such fear, that it took years
To recreate it in peace
Do not look to me for absolution.


I've built a life secure
Free from drunken rages
And dangerous games.
I've faced my demons
With paper and pen
Instead of recreation.
Leave me leave and drown in the drink.
Do not look to me for absolution.