Looking Back - Day One

Alex was a tiny, withdrawn five-year-old with the biggest eyes I’d ever seen when she came into my life.  It wasn’t something I was consciously searching for, but perhaps I was looking for something to fill that hole in my life.

Would I go back and change things if I could?  I honestly don’t know.  It depends what day you ask me.  I mean you have to understand, initially I thought it was a sign from God, something He wanted me to do.  However, over the last fourteen years, sometimes I swear I can hear Satan laughing softly in my ear.

I had raised three wonderful children. Why would someone at my age want to start that over again?  Why would I ask my husband to?  It’s simple.  God told me to.  Or so I convinced myself.

She does bring me joy.  Her smile warms my heart and rejuvenates my spirit, but those moments are few.  Loving her comes easily; liking her is often a chore.  I guess that makes me sound like a bad mother.  Well, I’m tired.  I’m tired of the masquerade that I’ve been putting on for the world, while my family and I suffer in silence behind closed doors.

I think horrid thoughts, things parents shouldn’t think.  The thoughts dance in my head more and more each day. Maybe Alex was just born bad.  Maybe I’m being punished for being prideful.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up, and she'll just be gone.  The nightmare will be over. What scares me is lately I don’t even feel guilty about these thoughts.

People don’t understand.  It’s not that they can’t.  It’s just easier for them to ignore it.  They think all mental illness can be fixed with a pill or therapy.  Some even believe it doesn’t really exist.  I admit it.  I was one of those people fourteen years ago.  I now realize all too well how wrong those ideas are.

So what does Alex do that is so awful?  It’s hard to explain, even to myself.  She doesn’t do drugs or hang out in bars.  She isn’t sexually promiscuous.  She’s not in and out of jail.  At least not yet.  What she does do cuts deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.  And you can see she enjoys that pain.  I guess that it’s not really what she does, it's who she is.  Alex hates - deeply and completely.

My daughter is a sociopath.

ID: 1582065   (Rated: 18+) As Is, No Returns  A truth-based story of adoption that doesn't always end "happily ever after". by aralls my RS frontierman!