| Is it okay to fall for your professor? I mean, we’re not talking just a crush here, which happens quite often I’m sure. I’m talking full throttle, packing your belongings very slowly, or thinking up of the next excuse to go to office hours. I’m talking stirring up enough courage to march right back into class after it has been dismissed and everyone has left, to ask an oh-so-obvious question. I’m talking the risk of looking like a complete fool in front of him, if he had known what was going on and totally saw you as a foolish, immature college student. If that isn’t enough to paint the picture, let me add a couple of minor details. Walking under the scorching sun across campus, trying to hold back your smiles which in turn look like smirks, while thinking of the next time you’d see him and the possible conversation you two could have. Searching up his name on yahoo to see the results that come up, hoping for a picture of some sort. Making sure you spelled his name right the first time while searching him on facebook a second time, only to find that his profile isn’t public. Alright, I’m no stalker, despite all of what I’m saying. It’s just that there’s this uncontrollable burning passion inside of me whenever I see or think of him now. It didn’t begin this way, just so you know. Somehow it transformed as I couldn’t help but daydream in class one day, and things just elevated from there.
I can probably recall that I didn’t find him bad looking at all on the first day. In fact, I thought of him as pretty decent looking, and even hot for a teacher! I know, I know, what the heck is that supposed to mean right? You see, the standard of “hotness” automatically lowers when it comes to people with certain titles. You probably think I’m crazy right about now, but think again. Why do people flip out when they notice a young, hot, Barbie doll look-alike counselor, yet don’t flip out when they see a similar looking girl at the mall or the bar? It’s because you expect a teacher to just be plane old Jane. You expect your counselor to be dressed up in some old fashion, conservative suit. But at the bar, you’re hunting for hotties in a way. At the mall, you’re looking to notice someone else and to be noticed. People don’t go to school to pick up on others, or at least not professors I’m hoping! That brings me back to my point, about the lowered standards for teachers, doctors, janitors, and the titles that don’t exactly strike up the word “hot” for us. On the other hand, a “hot” basketball player, fireman, cop, or jerk is just another hot guy. Okay, so maybe the last one wasn’t necessary. But think about it, athletes and firemen are supposed to be big, tall and muscular! Its not supposed to be a rare occasion to be able to spot out a hottie on the court. Now with all of that said, I’m not saying that Mister Teacher over here wouldn’t be hot if he wasn’t a teacher. I probably wouldn’t have fantasized about him if he were just somebody I saw on the streets, but you get the idea.
When did these little fantasies begin? I’m not so sure myself! It was probably not within the first week. Noticing a couple of his tattoos probably lead me down that road, for I am such a sucker for tattoos, especially in black or blue ink. Eventually getting to scratch the surfaces of his laid back personality added to that boiling pot as well. Now please don’t tell me that another factor which happens to be sickening, would be the fact that he DID NOT look at me while walking past me during break. That part seriously just floated up to the top of my thoughts, and is probably a disgusting part of human nature. I truly don’t believe that it played any part in this, but psychology can explain a lot about what’s hidden underneath, deep down and around the corner. Let’s put that aside to prevent any further tangents, now shall we? Oh yes, it just strikes me that I had fantasized about him before he walked passed me without looking. As far as my memory goes, my first dirty thought sparked up when I was still sitting at the side of the classroom, which must’ve been the first few days of class (for I have shifted myself to the back-center of the room permanently after that). It was just a random thought that invited itself in during lecture time I’m sure. I hadn’t given much thought to it, and it probably did come up a couple of times after that while starring at him in class. The class itself isn’t boring, but it was definitely heavier and more historic at the beginning, since we’re going in chronological order to some extent. Now that the topics are more up to date, and therefore easier to comprehend, it definitely sparks up my interest by a great deal. However, so does he. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I find it to work to my advantage in a way.
By getting to know him, and having him put a face to my name, I’m no longer another girl in the back of the room that doesn’t talk. Well, I can still stick to the not talking part if I’d like, but my existence has now been established in this classroom, in his mind. My face can pop up in his head at any moment now, not that I’m hoping it didn’t before. Although it has just been over a day since this truly raced off the starting line, I feel as if my root motives and intensions are somewhat inseparable. If my memory does me justice, I believe that I took extra long to pack yesterday because I truly wanted to ask him whether I could take a look at the sample papers. I could’ve spoken up when given the chance, but in the back of my mind, I wanted to wait to be the last one standing. Coincidently, I was one of the recruits, and the few of us all ended up staying until the end. Regardless of whether he picked me out on purpose or not, I’m glad I was ultimately picked, and I’m glad I decided to ask about the sample papers. We were going to have a one on one date! Alright, I’m lying, it was one on one office hours. It wasn’t at my request, but I’m guessing it’s part of how his office hours work and part coincidence nobody else went during that time.
Excited like a little kid, and hungry, I bought peanut butter cookies. I bought three peanut butter cookies, which were more than I was going to eat. Yes, I was planning to offer him one, and I even imagined his reaction of accepting it. Ultimately, he did not take it, for he had just had lunch, but that didn’t matter. What did matter was that I was in his office and that one on one time we got together. This sounds like something that a thirteen year old would say, but I think it’s healthy to have the kid in you and a light spirit. He asked me what he could help me with, and I said just to take a look at the papers. While reading through the papers, I noticed the presence of him right next to me, and I almost wondered and waited for him to say something. Once or twice he did check on me and asked if it was making sense to me. Casually and confidently, I replied yes. Silly as I was, I planned out in my head how I was going to ask his permission to copy something down. I can almost swear that there was a tiny bit of awkwardness in our interaction, but it was the good type of awkwardness. If I could put a recipe to it, I would say it was part: shyness, flirtatiousness, randomness, happiness, awkwardness, excitement and finally interaction between teacher and student as wells as between peers (after all, he isn’t that much older than I am). Maybe I’ve got the ingredients all wrong, but that is the best and only way I can comprehend it at the moment. Towards the end, he said “Try not to melt,” and I almost misinterpreted as “don’t crack” for tomorrow’s activity. I gave off half a smile and half a laugh, and then he added awkwardly something like, “Its hot outside”. Any who, either he usually says things like that to anybody and everybody, or he was a bit nervous as well and blurted that out. I myself, fancy the second option way more than the first.
My point was that getting to know him, crush on him, like him, actually helps me focus more in class, and him as well. How does that work? Let me explain. I can be a lazy worker. I tend to slack and slide through my classes most of the time. Although I’ve been taking my classes way more serious this time around, having him know my name pushes me that much further. For one, I do not want to seem like another dumb girl. I’d like to think that he finds me attractive, and the last thing I’d want to be is another “looks but not brains” girl. Why the hell is she at Davis if she does not have the potential and brains to be here? I can say that intellectually, I am not the smartest, nor does my brain hold anything close to the encyclopedia, but what I do have is potential to excel if I really put my mind to it. So what can I do to prove myself, or at least not fall behind into that category I despise? I can study! I can put time and effort into my work. And that is exactly what I have been doing. I made sure to read the reading for the forum posting, and submitted that in on time. I stayed up until 2am doing my reading response (three or four times longer than what I had planned before). In turns, I had neglected the studying for my history midterm until today. Admitting that this obsession may take some focus off of my history class, you can probably see where getting to know him benefits me in his class, right? Secondly, I actually like this guy. And a similar thought came to mind when I had a little crush on my other professor (I swear that was the first and only other one). That professor was definitely into me, I could tell. But imagine the possible awkwardness of receiving a bad grade from someone you like, especially if that person is interested in you too. Is he or she supposed to give you an extra little boost, or grade your accordingly, with the possibility of an awkwardness in the air? I myself love it when teachers favor me, and I sure in hell have gotten better grades than I deserved before. However, hear me out first. I do not feel the same way about a guy I truly like (Mister Teacher over here being the first one, since the other one didn’t really count on all other aspects). I want to earn my good grade, and I want him to see me for what I am and can be. If I don’t put my whole heart and mind into it, how will any of this be possible?
Now the only complication lies within the opening question, but with some confliction entering the race as well. Is it okay to fall for your professor? For those that answered no, must we need go any further? I think not. But for those hopeless romantics out there who answered yes, lets continue this journey together. If it is acceptable to fall for your professor, is it also acceptable to act upon those feelings? Yes, you heard me right. Is it okay to pursue your professor and let him know how you feel? Is your answer the same romantic “Yes,” or has it turned a 360 to “Houston, we have a problem”? We’re both grown people. It sure isn’t illegal, or at least not to my knowledge. I have actually asked my brother this question, without exactly telling him my situation. He told me that it depended on whether you cared about what people said or not, because people are always bound to talk. Point made. I can completely agree on that. It would be extremely awkward for a pair, a couple, an item, to be in the same classroom acting out the roles of student and teacher. Even if the two didn’t have class together, there would still be talk around campus if it were a “known” thing. I really love how I have not only infused my life and opinion into this blog, but sociology as well (coincidently the class in which this all began).
This is a tough one now isn’t it? I have a few options here. The first is to come to the most realistic approach of waking up and telling myself I’ve been nothing but na´ve to think that he’d possibly be into me too. I can tell myself that I have been nothing but an immature little girl about this whole situation, and I’ve done nothing but make up false scenarios and interpretations in my head. My second option would be to keep up my fixed-stares into his eyes for as long as he glues his eyes on me during lecture. I had already come up with my next excuse to go to next week’s office hour, which is to check whether certain books are fine for doing the extra credit assignment. I can continue to notice his coffee pattern, and comment about it before leaving the classroom, like I had done today. Does that seem stalker status to you guys? Probably, but I swear it didn’t seem creepy when I told him today! I can step out of my comfort zone and begin talking more in class, as I have already done today. Or lastly, I can stay quiet in class and act like most other students: pay attention, take notes, and leave when class is dismissed. I can ask him briefly after class if the book I’m going to pick is suitable for the assignment, or not ask at all. I hold off until this whole class is over and grades are posted, to either e-mail him or leave custom made cd in his mailbox. Hey, don’t laugh at me for having a young spirit! I like to do childish things that I find to be sweet and cute sometimes! So which is it? Should I walk away from something which doesn’t exactly even exist yet, go on and play this game to its fullest and hope to get something out of it, or hold off momentarily like an angel before giving it a little push?