| Today isn’t the best day either. I feel as if this energy as been drawn out of me. I sit here with my mind idle. I walk with an expressionless face. It’s as if this hollowness fills me each time we don’t say a proper goodbye. Guys, can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. That’s the risk of allowing your emotions to run wild. Things could have been peaceful and simple, but we put a whole new level of complexity to it by admitting, whether to others or even to ourselves.
I had missed this class twice before, and it was on the occasion of an emergency. I knew that missing class would affect my grade greatly, so I would go to class not looking forward to it, but more of an obligation to do well. My afternoon class was the more entertaining one to attend, for the teacher is one of the funniest and wittiest characters I’ve ever seen. Times have changed after I allowed daydreaming to get to my head. Acting upon my fancy of him did not help either. At first it did, and it still may academically, but not emotionally. I already foresee that my afternoon class will be another one in which wouldn’t receive my fully, undivided attention, for it hasn’t the last few sessions. That is probably because my mind has wandered itself lost elsewhere, and that the newer subject matters intrigues me less. However, I must force myself to complete these educational tasks instead of let my emotions get the best of me.
Silently and privately inside my head, I am actually despising myself for allowing boys/guys/men to have such a great affect on me. They surely do come and go, whether they leave light footsteps that can be blow away by a slight breeze, or a permanent imprint on the concrete floors. Although I have never truly physically cheated on someone, my feelings don’t stay very monogamous. I take them as they come, whether it be one guy or eleven guys (I recall such a number from middle school). In my mind, I keep my options open, although I do not act upon it most of the time. Perhaps I just have a lot in me, and no one person has had the ability to capture my “whole”.
Having multiple candidates in my head at the same time is not the choice I wish to make for the rest of my life, although it may be the way I live until my dying day. Short fantasies of marriage, honeymoons, and kids have crawled its way into my head a of times before, but they quickly fade when I fall out of what came close to being love, or was love indeed. The liberated thought of never being tied down by a marriage and having kids, allows all the fantasies of falling in love time and time again in different places, and those relationships ending in a romanticized, tragic, yet freeing ways. Not having a husband and kids of my own would allow me to travel, experience, and execute freely with no boundaries. To do as I please without anybody holding me back, without risk of loved ones being hurt is the only way I can be free. To be free would be my nirvana.
You would think that someone with this mentality could never fall in love, for she would not allow herself to. This is where you are wrong. Although I can fall easily, and fall out just as easy, it doesn’t mean that I won’t give it my all. Some would say that they’d allow themselves to fall when they feel it’s “worth it”. There is no need to speak of “worth” to me, because if I did, I would only find myself contradicting. Even though I may be no expert at “love,” I believe that it is selfless. Having only encountered such a thing no more than twice in my life, I can say that we don’t choose who we love, we just do. You can try nitpicking at all the flaws you see in why to try and turn off your “fall” switch. If you are successful in doing so and the switch does turn off, good for you. But if you are not, then I congratulate you as well. Because it is then that you get to experience love, selflessness, devotion, endurance, weakness, strength and courage. Love isn’t selfish, and although you would like some affection in return, you go about even if you do no receive it. You experience devotion to one, although he may be flaunting himself off elsewhere. If you master this devotion part without getting anything in return, I give you props for your endurance. Some people call this weakness, because you allow these emotions to toy around with you, dictating the directions in which you move. But to be able to endure such a beating would be your strength. It takes more courage to stick around for a beating than it does to just say, “Fuck it” and walk away. Does that make you a fool? Perhaps, but a fool that you are willing to be, so who else can tell you any different?
The guys that have came in and out of my life are countless, and we’re just talking ones with any kind of romance involved, whether they be one way streets (either directions), or mutual exchanges. Just because there have been so many, it doesn’t mean that I don’t fall hard. It doesn’t mean that I don’t give certain ones my all. I do not know how to explain how the “all’s” came about and why they were picked to have the best of me. Some may have been “worth” it, but didn’t get it, and those that were “worthless” did. I have done my share of heartbreaking, and I have been knocked down quite a few times before, but that never stops me from getting back up. Is it because I am shallow and heartless? No. It’s because I never look chance in the face and turn it away. I work up the courage to face my challenges. This one may be just a phase that passes after summer school ends, and if that is the case, then so be it. And if by chance he has the ability to keep me in this idle state, then he is worth it not because of his “worth,” but because my emotions won’t tell me otherwise. That’s fine with me.