If I Have It Now

Gathering every shattered pieces, lofting intolerable grief dews running down, shivering, unanswered sweet lip-kisses; gone are those days – she hides what my heart refuses to bluntly accept before; there goes her charms I tend to ignore, now those are swept away by the tiresome gales of ever changing heart unable to resist change within its deliberate jolts.

Gone are those days she asks me of how much I love her. It was a chance I wish I tightly held in my fists when it was within my grasp. But its blown away – she never said a word, yet I know what her actions whispering my heart – her heart yearns not for me but for a person her heart holds dearly.

It's never this way.

“I will take you to a place today” I said to her with mandatory overtones coating every word my lips saying to her ears.

There was no response – no “yes!” or a resounding enthusiasm fluffing her face. I turn my back wishing even for a solitary moment I can hide what I really feel for her ever since she started to tame my resisting ego. I thought it's a better way to demand the pure mirth I love to see out from her strikingly admirable hazel eyes; but I was wrong, or am I wrong for selfishly keeping her with herself as she advocates me to respond to the calls of her sweet tender voice before.

“I was not expecting you to do anything”

Her words hit my core – stretching my guards down my feet.

“Will you go with me or you have another place in mind where we can go” I let my pledging guards down as I purse my heart to reconcile with her unexpected words.

“The heart gets tired, sometimes having you as an inspiration leaves me with emptiness deep inside” her head sweetly moved to look at me straight to my eyes.

Her words mean something else. This is not me! I have my guards up! How I wish I can sweep my face with these thoughts knocking every sign of intolerable weakness in threatening me.

Then her eyes billows down the ground minding nothing of the eclipsing heart-warmth I am left inside.

“I was waiting, for you to caress my heart like this – you're making me feel how am I inside you, inside your heart. But why now?” she spit her words wearing a dew running down her hazel eyes.

I was ridden by my ego. I don't want to see the girl I'm beginning to like. My heart thumps faster as thoughts to alleviate her feelings came flooding my mind.

“It's too late”, her words strike me as if I was being ripped into my coldest emotions that I've been harboring within me.

I know how it is to be this way but to the extent of how can I affect me, I am yet to know. She tipped her chin and started to face the world again. Her anticipation for my presence is now gone. Then it was turned into ashes now. Her feelings whom I trust – and I wish I can respond – has dissipated.

“It's too late”, her eyes seizes the sobs and irrevocable tension draining my veins. I wish to tell my reasons but it's no longer a matter of thread. Its life is devoured by my failure to see her deep within me, hypnotizing her ways, bursting with regret, savoring the inescapable moment of our confrontation – her heart passed out and mine obsessed.

“I'm sorry”

I responded with the same words, “I'm sorry”

it feels like my heart was smashed, exposing it dry with shards of truth of how she feels now, biting my heart – in sorrow, darkness, and agony. Then I know how much I caused her. If it was me on her feet, I'm maybe obliterated and suffering in unhealed turmoils deep down of me – but she was not; she is composed, her heart learned to negotiate with her physique. Eyes still wears the enticing hazel, lips still driven with lively mirth, smooth cheeks when I wish I can run my fingers now, and her love, her love which I wished I never let go when it's right in me – no distance, no walls built guarding her love, restraining from me.

She still wears them. How could I miss them! They're not for me now.

Am I fated to feel this way? Will I be given even a single chance to share her love again? Tears rolls down my eyes, flickering every dew I wish I can stop from falling, my guards exposed, made me vulnerable – she now knew what was she for me. So I can feel the pangs of wretchedness. So this is pain.

In this very moment, I wish I had answered and whispered the words, when I had it – before now that is too late to invoke, she then will love to hear:

“I'm madly in love with you”