"Young and Spry"

"Feeling Young & Spry"

based upon the song "American Pie" by Don McLean Cuisine

and shamelessly altered by WordImperfect

A long, long time ago I remember how good health used to make me smile
And I feared under the right circumstance
That someday I would wear disposable pants,
and only hoped, that I might stay odor-free, for a while.

But those kinds of thoughts made me shiver
With every birthday time delivered,
I tripped on the doorstep,
It hurt to take just one more step.

I just remember how hard I cried
When they set my ankle at bedside,
It hurt like hell down deep inside,
The day, when my youth, died.
So...

Refrain:

Bye, bye, feeling young and spry
Drove my Chevy 'cause I was heavy from eatin' way too much pie,
And those weight loss clinics said  "Give work-outs a try."
And I said, "No thanks, I'd much rather die,"
"No thanks, I'd much rather die."

Did you take the food I love
And place it on a shelf high above,
The section of the counter, where I normally go?
And do you believe in low-carb rolls,
and that I can stop eating donut holes,
And can you teach me, how to eat, real slow?

Well you know that I'd love to be slim,
But I can't stand going to the gym.
I loathe those work-out shoes,
And I hate those gym-fee dues.

I was an over-weight teenage bronkin' buck,
More than once, in my chair, did I get stuck,
And I had the brain of a hockey puck
The day, when my chicken, was fried.
I kept on eatin'...

Refrain

Now for thirty years these seeds that I've sown
And watched as my belt-size has grown,
But now, I want to go fat-free.
When the doc said I had an enlarged spleen,
And to quit meals that were "in-between,"
Well he spoke, in a tone that was, so serious-ly.

Oh, and then while I was looking down
I noticed I couldn't see the ground.
I guess I never had learned,
That weight loss must really be earned.

And after I saw my weight-gain marks
I took a long walk around the park,
Then ate some Ho-Ho's in the dark.
Weight gain, I clearly, denied.
Just kept on eatin'...

Refrain

Helter skelter, now wearing a fat-melter
Looking at Kirstie Allie, and what food had dealt her,
Way over-weight, and gaining a lot more, fast.
Figuring I'd better lose some mass,
Went to the gym and bought a pass.
Little Debbies, I had eaten what I hoped, were my last.

Now only "half-portions" were my new tune
'Cause I felt like I hadn't eaten since early June.
I tried to get up to dance,
But when I did I ripped my pants.
And as I tried in vain to reduce my meals
Convinced that my "fatty-fate" had been sealed,
As I recall, I wasn't healed.
That day, to Jillian Michaels, I cried.
I was wailin'...

Refrain

As weight loss goes I finally found a place
Suddenly, no longer feeding my face,
And I could not bear to start again.
So now I must eat carefully, and not eat quick
And I think I'm already starting to feel quite sick,
Because tofu is now my new best friend.

Oh and though now in food I rarely engage
I must move on and turn the page.
Now everyone can tell,
That I've broken over-eating's spell.

Now even though most of the time I'm eating right
I'm on occasion tempted to take an extra bite.
I sometimes see devil's food laughing with delight,
This day, I avoid it, I abide.
No longer singing...

Refrain

I met a girl with similar views
And we drank a couple of Bud Lite brews,
Then she just belched and turned away.
I then went down to the weight loss store
Where I had purchased some diet pills years before,
But the man there, said the pills had, gone away.

Yet I stayed on the winning team
For I refused to eat ice cream.
No, I'm not at all jokin'
Food's hold on me now was broken.

And the three things I admired most:
Chip dip, Fritos, and some good pot roast,
Had all been replaced by one slice of burnt toast,
No longer, behind food, would I hide.
For the last time I'm singin'...

Refrain