Texienne - Autobiography

If you've met me in the Real World, and you're reading this, either you are one of two people who know my online identity "Texienne", or you are about to recognize me. If you do, I beg you, don't tell Daddy, alright? I love him dearly. In fact I love him a lot more than he realizes. I will always be Daddy's girl, but if he finds out about Texienne, he will launch himself on another quest to rid my world of all things erotic, and no good can possibly come of that.

Besides, I've already handed him enough grief, just by coming out of the closet and moving in with my girlfriend. When I see him, he spends most of his time trying to stuff me back into the closet. He'd shit bricks if he knew the GF and I sometimes speculate about moving to a state where they have what I call Marital Liberty so we can tie the knot and start a family.

So, other than an alias, what is Texienne?

The name is the easy part. When I was learning Texas history, (in middle school, I think) I happened across the factoid that in the early years, people from my state sometimes called themselves 'Texian'. To me, it sounded like a very pretty girl's name. I had been dreaming of having a baby girl of my own since pre-puberty, so I now had a name for that baby. I came up with the feminine spelling later, then started to pronounce it texiEN instead of TEXien.

I suppose in a way, Texienne is the daughter of my RL identity, born out of a lot of grief and nastiness that I went through in high school. She's the safety buffer I've set up between me and the online world, and my girlfriend's online partner in the effort to keep me a good girl.

See, the whole problem is, when I was out there on my own, I was a very bad girl indeed, and got into serious trouble.

Now, I'm not going to tell a lot about my RL self, because it would defeat the whole purpose. I will tell you I am a Lesbian, I am a college student, I am short-to-average size, I have dishwater blond hair, I describe myself as 'could have looked like Pamela Anderson, except my nose has too much in common with her boobs, and my boobs have too much in common with her nose.' I and the GF go to school at a university in the North Texas metropolitan area, and we share an apartment. I'm always calling her 'the GF' when I mention her online, but we have agreed I can call her.'Kay', which is of course not her name either. She's a little taller than me, half-AZN and bisexual. She is totally the light of my heart.

Lesbians come in several different delicious flavors, and we have a slang term for every one of them. Sometimes more than one. A girl who is neither 'Fem' or 'Butch' we sometimes call a 'Stem'. I've heard that word means 'halfway between Stud and Fem'. Kay and I are both Stems, although to be honest with you if she had the money to spend on cosmetics and clothes, my Kay would totally turn into a cliched Lipstick Lesbian. She's got the perfect lips for it too.

I have in the time since beginning this ID accumulated several admirers, and the GF worries about how easily I attract them and how friendly I tend to be with them. She fears some guy figuring out who I am and stalking me. She has very good reason to fear, so I stick to the rules we've agreed to. It's almost a sexplay with us. We trade off Dom and sub a lot, but in this specific context, I am strictly, permanently her obedient sub. She reads every one of my emails, forum posts and PMs every night. She allows no realtime of any sort, not in person, over a phone, texting, chat, messenger, IRC, whatever. No web cams, no photos (she bends this rule just slightly for me by letting me post a small number of photos she has personally chosen and cropped), no videos no whatever. No specific descriptions of me or anyone around me that she has not approved.

She does let me play, though. Her verbatim words are, "You can cheat on me and be the biggest, horniest slut you wish, but only online, and only as long as you stick to our rules." So I do it. I roleplay in forums, I flirt like a whore over email, I do a lot of things that I frankly would never dare do without her supervision.

Why do I require supervision? It's pretty simple. If you're into internet porn, and you poke around places that offer 'teen webcam' videos, 'ex-girlfriend revenge' pictures, etc, you might have already seen me. Maybe more than once. You think that's okay? Well consider that this material must be from when I was between the ages of fourteen and sixteen. Then consider that little Texi never saw a dime for any of this. The stupid little underage cunt was giving it all away for free. (No, I'm not going to tell you where to find any of it, so don't ask.)

By the time I hit seventh grade or so, I already knew I was pretty bizarre as sexual creatures go. I first learned to play with myself when I was barely eleven years old. I was an expert by the time I was twelve, and already learning about finding stuff on the internet, both words and pictures, to get off. Then Daddy rented a video of a movie called 'Dragon Slayer', in which a couple girls are shown getting eaten, and I discovered my first fetish. When the second girl died, I was so crazy aroused I pretended to be scared and ran off to hide under the covers in my room. It was evening and I'd already dressed for bed, so I was under there fingering away when my father came in to reassure me it was only a movie. He didn't notice anything (fortunate, because the entire time he was talking to me I still had a hand down my jammies.)

I first began writing erotica not long after this, and frankly some of my very first stories were dragon snuff porn. I saw Crocodile Dundee (remember the scene where an enormous croc grabs the girl by a canteen around her neck and tries to drag her into the water?) and began adding alligators and crocs to my fantasies. Tigers got in there somehow as well. And eventually I graduated to human beings, usually evil men roasting me alive or butchering me. Sometimes, though I was letting my friends or family eat me, sacrificing myself so they wouldn't starve. Or I was a slave so dedicated (because I also liked BDSM) that I would willingly, lovingly rejoice as my Master slaughtered and cooked me. My story 'Gentle Ending' is a direct write-up of this particular fantasy.

I had friends online to help me with these fetishes too, as well as the slightly less bizarre ones (gangbangs and other group sex, BDSM situations, exhibitionism, kidnapping, enslavement.) At first, these friends were people I knew at school. It didn't stay that way.

Here's the deal: kids these days chat, text, email, and post and a whole lot of it is sex. I had a few girlfriends from school, and by ninth grade, my first and only ever boyfriend (for purposes of Internet Safety Kay and I have agreed to christen him 'Joe'), and we would chatter all the time about sex. Kay, Joe and I were like an inseperable trio. We would do sex by mutual masturbation. We would share our sexual fantasies and roleplay them over chat, sometimes with webcam. Long before he ever saw me topless in person, Joe watched me strip myself naked and diddle myself for him online. (This is 'camming'.) The first time I did this with Joe, I had him describing how he would spit-roast me and eat me, in vivid detail, down to the blood on the spit as it emerged from my mouth.

Tons of kids do this shit (well, not the spit-roasting part.) We call it 'cybering'. However, I became seriously addicted. Once my RL friends logged off, I would hit the sack, get an hour of sleep, wake up and make sure the 'rents were asleep, then get back online and find other friends to cyber with. A lot of them.

At the time I believed I was bisexual. I could totally get off by camming for a guy, so I assumed I was turned on by the guy. It wasn't until much later that I figured out it was my exhibitionism fetish that made this work for me. And I did a bunch of dirty talking and chatting with them, describing doing all sorts of sex acts with them that I had never done in RL...

See, I was an RL virgin. I jilled myself all the time, sure, but I had never had sex with another, despite being totally addicted to sex.

By the time I was sixteen, I was seriously out of control. Those one-hour-of-sleep nights were happening most nights of the week, and I, a supposed Honor student, made D's and even F's in school. I had more than one guy working very hard at convincing me to run away to meet him somewhere (one claimed we would be getting married in Mexico!) and I started getting stuff in the mail from an anonymous source.

I was also having serious issues with my boyfriend. No, not the kind of problems where he's pushing me to have sex or any of the other typical issues a sixteen year old has with her boyfriend. These were more "I'm starting to get wind of what you're doing after the rest of us are asleep and I'm worried about you" problems (That was his POV. My version was "MY BF THINKS HE FUCKING OWNS ME!'')

Well, I'm not going to go through the details about how a conflict like this evolved into my decision to lose my virginity with him. That strange twist of logic probably wouldn't even make sense to me anymore, if I looked at it closely. What matters is that we had an opportunity, we took it, and after a great deal of highly uncomfortable foreplay, which did involve nudity but never escalated to contact with anything farther down than my bosom, he pretty much lost interest in proceeding. From what I understand, ninety-nine percent of straight guys (and yes, Joe is straight. He'd already had two sexually active relationships before he began dating me) would have gone for it. Joe knew me too well and he cared about me. In his words, he stopped because he felt like he was raping me.

We ended up talking for a very long time instead. It was a very sweet cuddling scene, a naked boy cradling a naked girl in his arms as they spoke quietly, him occasionally kissing her on the forehead or stroking her hair, her arm across his chest and head on his shoulder. Anyone who saw us would have assumed we had already made love. But the subject wasn't dreams and futures and whatever else such a couple might have discussed in that situation. It was my sexuality. He knew I considered myself bisexual. (We'd been in a rather large number of (online) threesomes together.) He's the first person to suggest I might simply be Lesbian.

We didn't last very much longer as a couple, but he remains my friend, and I love him dearly. The problem at that time was, instead of satisfying my urges with real sex with a boyfriend, I was now adrift on the Internet without an anchor. My stalker made himself known more directly, and due to him and other clues, the 'rents finally wised up to exactly how little sleep their darling baby girl was getting and what a perverted little slut she really was.

I don't know what the point of filling in any of the details would be. Almost anyone could write the script from here for the next couple weeks. Suffice it to say I was fscked. Daddy, a computer whiz, combed my hard-drive,. got into my history and got at my online accounts and LJ and chat logs and everything. He showed Mom, too. They saw the pictures and videos. They read my stories, including the snuff porn. By this time, I was writing as the eater instead of the eaten more often than not, so they came to the conclusion they were raising a Lesbian version of Jeffrey Dahmer.

Three things saved me. Three people very dear to my heart did these things, and if there is a god, I will gladly say thanks for sending me those people. I have been blessed with friends like most people never get to have. I've been told so directly, by my Daddy, but he doesn't know that he's one of those friends. No matter how big a pain he's been, he may be the best friend I ever had.

Thing One (apologies to Dr. Seuss) started with me planning my death. Now, those few gynophages (people who fantasize about eating women) who would actually try it for real some day might cry to hear this, but I wasn't arranging to be eaten. I was just looking for an overdose. Nice clean sleeping pill thing just like the movies. I was actively seeking the drugs, frustrated to discover that my parents didn't have one of those convenient Walmart size bottles like you always see in TV shows. In my frustration, or perhaps just because I wanted to tell them, I mentioned my search to Kay and Joe.

I've heard that thousands of teen suicides die each year after telling their plans to friends who did nothing to alert adults. I feel such utter anguish whenever I see the commercials encouraging kids to speak up if their friends talk about killing themselves.

I'll say it here. Speak up if your friend talks about suicide! Because I wouldn't be here if my friends hadn't. And they didn't lose my friendship, although I was pissed off for a while. They are still very dear friends, and I am totally planning on marrying one of them. The other one, if his GF or significant other permits when the day comes, I totally plan on having father my babies.

Thing Two (still apologizing) came in the form of my father. I already told you how he ran like an ax murderer through everything electronic I possessed. He didn't stop there. He began camping out in my bedroom. Literally. He brought a sleeping bag in after I was dressed for bed. First he would inspect the room and me while I dutifully sat in a chair, making sure there were no electronic communications. Then he would tell me to get in bed. Then he would get into his sleeping bag, laying across my bedroom door. He did this every night for months, absolutely determined that I would sleep the full night, and I would not cyber in any way shape or form.

I hated him. I totally and completely hated him. I called him a pervert, a dirty old man, suggested he was actually staying in my room because my pictures had turned him on and he wanted to see the live version. I told him I was going to tell the school that my dad was sleeping in my bedroom instead of with my mother. Nothing I said would sway him. He stayed there throughout the night, then when my alarm went off in the morning, he would crawl out, roll up the sleeping bag, and go get ready for work.

Thing Three (don't think Seuss had a Thing Three, right?) came while I was still dealing with Thing Two. Joe, Kay and I were hanging out at his house, while his parents were still at work. It was my seventeenth birthday, and I was still a virgin. Joe all but twisted my arm to get me to admit to Kay that I didn't just like cybering with her, I totally lusted after her for real. I wanted to sleep with her.

I may write this up someday. It would make great erotica. The change from conversation to foreplay was so subtle I didn't even realize it was happening until Kay (who I had no idea was already experienced with girls) was helping me out of my tank top.

If you were paying attention you would realize this means my first RL sex was with Kay, my lifemate, and it was right in front of Joe, my one and only ever boyfriend. Yep. Sounds raunchy as hell, a threesome for your first time, doesn't it? It was totally the sweetest thing I could have asked for. Joe just watched. Kay taught. And I, very amazed, learned from a loving woman.

I suppose Joe sounds left out in this deal. Turns out one of those two prior partners had been Kay. She wouldn't date him because I was so in love with him, and later, because she felt it would hurt me, but they were (their words, not mine) 'fuck-buddies'. Apparently Kay was Joe's first too. So she had no problem, once she finished loving me, giving Joe some love as well. I watched, enjoyed, realized I was probably having sex with two people I loved more than anyone else.

Thing Two was still an issue though. And I griped and bitched and moaned until I'm sure Kay and Joe would have gladly spit-roasted me themselves just to shut me up. However, one day Joe accidentally proposed a solution.

"You never have any problem with men in authority controlling you when you're RPing slave girl. What's the big deal?"

That just pissed me off of course. There's a big differnence in what you do during sex and what you do during the rest of your life. But Kay, naturally, jumped on it.

"You used to love your dad so much, Texi. I mean way love him..."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded, and she laughed.

"You tell me one time you would let him fuck you if he wanted."

Okay I admit I might have said something like that waaaaaaayyy back in middle school, when I was only beginning to understand what fucking was for, and who could or could not do it. At that time, I'm not even sure I actually knew yet that daddies and daughters shouldn't do it.

Joe was grinning as wide as possible. "No shit? She said that?"

Kay moved to sit down next to me and gave me the Eye. Then she change personalities on me, and started speaking in her Mistress voice. "How about this, Miss Bitching-my-ass-off?"

Kay's dad is Asian, and she grew up until middle school over seas. He and his American wife decided to move here, where they believed a half-Caucasian girl would fit in better. She has an accent, but it is very light. She sounds a little odd normally, but throw in a BDSM Mistress thing, and suddenly she's the Dragon Lady.

She's very effective. I cowered down a little. "What?"

Kay declared, "I'm going to give my slavegirl Texi to a new master. I'm giving her to Daddy."

We only play at BDSM, and half the time, I'm the Mistress and she's the slave. Because of that, I laughed. "What? Kay..."

She slapped me. She totally for real slapped me. I sat there gaping at her, completely shocked. She stood up, put her fists on her hips, looked at me and began commanding.

"I am still Mistress, but you will not belong to me again until you graduate. I remain your girlfriend, but your Master now owns you. You will totally submit to, love and obey him. If he wants something, you give it. If he expects you do something, you do it. You never question. He is unlikely to take you for sex as a Master should, so you masturbate at least one time each morning and night, except during your period, while you think only of your Master and your love for him. You will address him as Daddy, but think of that as the same as addressing as Master. You never ever think yourself as his daughter, only as his slave. Do you understand?"


She was telling me to submit 24/7 to my own father! "Kay..."

She for real slapped me again. Very hard. I just shut up and sat there staring at her with my mouth wide open.

"I'm doing this so you don't try to kill yourself again," she declared. Then she began to lose the Mistress person and began tearing up. "I will not be able to stand it if you kill yourself. I want you do this, Texi! I'm really, really serious!"

Joe had been watching this completely befuddled. He'd seen us play BDSM before (we'd threesomed in RL once with me as slavegirl, and cybered a few times with both girls subbing, and Joe as Master) but this was different. Nobody was planning on having sex. Heck, I think my mom was in the kitchen at the time.

"You want me to fantasize about my father and be his sub."

"24/7."

The weird thing is, I was getting aroused, although I think that was from Kay suddenly dominating me like that. But whether I really once said what she claimed about fucking my father or not, it was very true that at one time he had been my number one crush, I had been pulling that shit about claiming he was perving on me out of my own perverted fantasies when I was younger. Kay was most certainly pulling this idea from my own head, in fact. She knew very well that my very first slave fantasies had involved my father enslaving me, using me for a while for himself, then selling me to some stranger to get rid of me. She even helped me RP it a few times.

When I first wrote this article up, I stated that I simply agreed to do it at this point. Kay read it and told me she remembers it took longer, and she slapped me many more than two times before I surrendured. But the only thing I can remember next is letting go and accepting her authority.

"Okay." I said.

"Yes, Mistress," she corrected, raising her hand for another blow.

I forced myself not to cringe, because Mistress does not approve of cowardice. "Yes, Mistress."

"Seiza," she commanded, which means, get on your knees. I sat as she wanted, my butt perched on my correctly placed feet, and bowed deeply to the floor, then back up.

"Bow down again and swear what I just said. I'll say it again so you can repeat after me."

We went through a whole swearing in, like a weird marriage ceremony. This is absolutely not made up, or embellished or anything. I seriously did this, and Kay and Joe in returned promised me they would keep an eye on me and take care of my discipline when they felt I wasn't being obedient (because my real Master didn't know about this and wouldn't know I required 'physical attention'.)

For the next year and a half, as utterly perverse as this must sound, I became Daddy's sex slave. No, he never touched me. There was certaintly sex but it was solo; I obediently masturbated every morning and night with pictures of Master somewhere near by. I accidentally called him 'Master' on several occasions and got chewed out (since he assumed it was sarcasm. I took it as punishment for failing Kay's order to call him Daddy, so it evened out.)

He still doesn't know anything about it, nor will he ever, hopefully, because it would utterly embarrass me worse than anything else could. Kay and I never played any BDSM during that time, except when I had committed an actual iniquity requiring punishment, and we ceased alternating. Normally our rule is we each play Mistress every other time, but after this I was not Mistress again until I graduated from high school.

My grades turned around dramatically. I made almost straight A's in Eleventh and Twelth grade. I couldn't fix the damage I did to my class standing (I'd once been a Top Ten Percent, I graduated about Top Twenty Five Percent) but I did well enough to make several scholarships. Between those and Daddy's 529 money, I can go to school fulltime and not have to work.

So now you have read the bizarre tale revealing how this woman became so incredibly weird. I assume my incest fetish in my writing at least gained reinforcement from the Daddy Master thing somehow. Most certainly the fact that several of my stories have featured Daddies or Mommies enslaving their children and using them. I assume a lot of my other issues come out of my life experiences as well. But what I tell you next is the weirdest part, to my mind...

In my whole life, which includes appearing in internet porn, being an online sex monster and slut extraordinaire, and writing weird shit from stories about women letting themselves be cooked and eaten to stories about alien abductions and cross-breeding experiments involving close family members, generational sexual slavery, etc. etc. etc., how many lovers do you suppose I have had in RL?

I have had only one. Oh, two if you count the occasional groping I allow Joe to take when we invite him to sleep with us (to satisfy Kay's straight side.) But Joe has never done much more to me than a little fingering in any of these cases. I have had one and only one actual lover: my sweet Kay, my guardian angel, my Mistress, my slavegirl, sometimes my prey and my meat, sometimes my huntress and my chef. She's the only one with whom I've ever actually made physical love.

Joe will be the father of my children if I can possibly help it. Kay wants the same, so our children have the same father. We don't know if he'll agree to sex... in fact, I assume if he settles down and marries we'll only get to have him as sperm donor and do it in the fertility clinic... but if he does allow us to do it by the old fashioned way, I will insist he do it with me as well as Kay. That's the only way I can imagine ever making love to anyone other than Kay, and I still want to show him what he means to me. He and my father are the only other ones that I ever loved as much as Kay. I love all three of you.