The Harvest Moon's Cry

*Note: These are my real responses to "Scribbling for Self Discovery"  by Kristi

I am answering these in complete honesty, and please, do not judge me or feel different about me for any of my answers. I wrote them so that other members could better understand who I am, and how I think. Though some answers may be unsettling, I ask you, please do not think less of me.

Q. How important are role models in our society? Please explain your answer.

A. Role models are incredibly important, for both good and bad reasons, but the general answer is that role models provide a guiding source of information and behavior for the upcoming generation. This holds especially true for those who are generally lost, be it that a person has no family, no aspirations, or is simply depressed, a role model can guide them. However, when these role models are gun-toting gang-bangers and drug pushers, then a line is crossed where the role model is causing much more of a problem.

Q. I want to be remembered for...

A. Leaving my mark. I want people to remember not for what I accomplished, but for the wisdom and kindness I have shared with them, whether it is through my writing, through conversation, or through any other means. I don't want to be the best race car driver, I don't want to design the better mousetrap... I want to be a positive role model for anyone and everyone who would lend a single ear to help their fellow man.

Q. Have you ever experienced bottling up your anger or pain? What happened when you couldn't contain anger or pain anymore?

A. Oh yes, and trust me, they mean it when they say 'It's bad to bottle things up.' I used to bottle up my pain, and that was when all my friends left me, I was forced to change schools, my step father left the family and I found myself broken and alone. All this finally made me snap. I began experiencing symptoms of Bi-ploar disorder, and later on, had a brief psychotic episode. For some reason, I was never medicated or hospitalized, despite having strong hallucinations, wild rage and manic dellusions. I've learned to let my emotions out through writing, and that has helped immensely.

Q. What are the types of projects you procrastinate about?

A. Ones that I do not care about. On a serious note, projects with too big of a deadline. Unfortunately, I tend to underestimate those things. Either that, or projects that seem too big, or unimportant.

Q. What's your first reaction when someone lets you down? Explain in detail.

A. My first reaction to being let down depends entirely on who did it. For example, with my friends, I would not be surprised, so I just add them to my 'don't trust them much' list. If my mom let's me down, I feel hurt, as if she'd forgotten about me, as I don't ask for much, and get even less.

Q. How do you express your love? To yourself? To other people?

Again, depends on the person. In general? A hug, a compliment, or just being there for someone when I'm needed. It's sort of like a friendship+ because I do more then most do for friends. If it is a guy, there is obviously less hugging or complimenting, but it changes to jokes and long conversations.

I express love to my family through hugs, compliments, gifts, spending time with them, and again, being there when needed. I even cooked a full 3 course meal for Mother's Day this year. Of course, my father is only in the picture when I want him to be... Allowing him to even speak to me is usually as much love as I can permit myself to give him.

My deepest expression of love is to take long walks with them, talk about serious things, or share a love of knowledge with them. I feel that sharing the more precious things of life is the best way to express love.

I express my love to myself by taking care of my body and mind, as they are the most important things you are given in this life, and the least appreciated. Though I sometimes abuse my body, I show love to myself by staying healthy and being an honest person.

Q. Name everything you've done that you're proud of.

1 Joined WDC!

2 Got halfway through my novel

3 Stood my ground against my parents, for my own good.

4 Made High honor roll

5 Have not broken a bone, ever, as I take care of myself.

6 I am unique, follow my own style, and do not allow others to change, harass or degrade me with negativity

Q. What are some things you have done that you never thought you could do?

A. Write so much!

As well as write with both hands, seperate myself from my father's grasp, win a writing contest, take psychology, do better in my sophmore year in psychology then the seniors, raise squirrels, rip a shirt open with my bare hands, and sneak out.

Q. What is the worst thing parents can do to their children?

A. ......Hard to say exactly. I think sexual and violent offenses are horrible, but I think chronic neglect, emotional manipulation and tyrannical control are some of the worst things a parent can do. It is one thing to make a child cry, it is another thing if you make them feel so worthless, that they don't even deserve to crying.

Chorinic, long term abuse has been proven to split the psyche of the child, so that the nature of the child's mind is at war. One half of the child is full of love, and wants to earn the parents respect and adoration. The other half is filled with mindless rage and malice. This half wants nothing but to abuse the abuser. Trust me, this is not a fun scenario to experience.

Q. What is the best advice you have ever received?

A. This is your story, don't let someone else tell it. If you don't like how the plot is proceeding, rewrite it. You are in complete control of your story, whether or not you know you are.

Q. How would you go about cheering up a friend with a broken leg?

A. Ironically, playful teasing. Letting them know that just because they have a broken leg, nothing has changed. There is still humor in the world, and that it doesn't hurt to be the punchline.

My sister broke her 5th metatorsil bone in her foot recently, and this worked pretty well, believe it or not.

Q. What would happen if children ruled the world?

A. I think that would be good, and bad. For example, war would cease, but poverty would take its place, as would disease via a lack of health care. When suffering ceases to be, another suffering takes its place, so in the end, nothing significant would happen.

Q. If you could give any gift in the world, what would it be and who would you give it to?

A. Well if I am not limited, it would be world peace to all people. It may sound cliche, but I'm sick of hearing about war, bloodshed, violence, death, more war, every night and day.

If I am limited, I do not know. I doubt I could pick one person over all I know to receive the utmost generosity.

Q. If you could do whatever you wanted to right now, what would you do?

A. I am doing what I want to be doing right now.

Q. If you were five years older, you would...

A. Hopefully, have a steady job, and be graduating college, or at least doing well in it.

Specifically, I would be getting a degree in writing/literature and hopefully setting up publication deals.

Q. If you owned a store, what would you do to discourage people from stealing from you?

A. I would brag that I had a collection of shrunken heads that I took from those who tried to steal from my store in the past, then by a fake head, post it somewhere in the store with 'Victim #132' on it. Obviously, this would have to be a very interesting store, but I believe that would work. If I can't do this, I would have a sign saying "The cameras have already seen your face and license plates. Don't try anything."

Q. If you could break the Guinness Book of Records, it would be for…?

A. Most chicken wings eaten, or first person to climb inside one of those giant spherical bubble things, then ride down a full Mountain. Without question, those are tied for first.

Q. If you had to describe yourself as a color, which would you choose and why?

A. A deep purple. I chose this because it is mysterious, elegant, creative, and unique. Purple and orange seem to be the most neglected colors anyway.

Q. What do you think the world needs now?

A. The world needs all the leading countries/religions to get off of their shining white horses and stop killing each other, because if we weren't wasting supplies, money and people in pointless wars, we'd be able to live happily and healthily.

Q. What do you think should be done to keep people who are under the influence of alcohol from driving?

A. First offence, 3 months Alcohol Management and an indefinite suspension of license.
Second, 6 months AA and suspension for no less then a year, with possible jail time.
Third, revokation of license, AA meetings and up to 5 years in prison.

I take such a harsh view because too many lives have ended, or been ruined, by Drunk Driving.

Q. How do you feel during a thunderstorm? Describe in detail.

A. I feel... charged. Like each bolt is passing through me, my heart leaping around in joy and excitement. The rain beats down, like it's cleansing the whole world, ridding everyone of their media corruption. I feel like it is a new beginning, and sometimes, I stand out in the rain, smiling and enjoying the display of nature's force.

Q. I wish I could forget the time that I…

A. Honestly? Aside from a few, embarassing moments, I would not chose to forget a thing. You can learn a lot from bad experiences, regardless of how embarassing or painful it was.

Q. I wish I had one more chance to… then I would…

A. Again, I cannot think of any changable incident that did not bring a wealth of knowledge and experience with it, so I have no answer.

Q. The last time I cried was… because…

A. Depends...The last time I lightly cried was when my girlfriend almost broke up with me, because I really do care for her, and did not want to loose her, but managed to retain some of my composure.

The last time I full out miserably cried was because of my father. I had a terrible divorce schedual, and my parents and I were meeting with a child psychologist who made everything drastically worse. My father was hell bent on keeping me in his grasp, so as he was dropping me at the bus stop, he proceeded to bawl his eyes out that "his ungrateful son didn't love him." Needless to say, watching a parent cry is hard enough without the guilt thrown in...

Q. When I have a problem, I talk to… because…

A. Most times, myself, because I don't feel anyone else is listening.

Note- I am not insane! Trust me, I know insanity.

Some times, though, I do get to talk with my mom or girlfriend about my problems, but this is not nearly as often as it should be.

Q. Why do you think adults smoke/drink?

A. I think it is either because it is an addiction that they have not chosen to quit, or because they are using it to bury some old pain or desire. Since they cannot deal with their own life, some chose to drink themselves silly and ignore the world.

Q. Write about your worst enemy

A. Oh, tough one... I mentioned in an earlier response that the abused child's psyche splits, so one side is 'good,' the other 'evil.' In most cases, one becomes dominant. For some unknown reason, this did not happen with me. I say it's because I'm a Libra, and I have to keep the scales balanced.

My worst enemy is my dark side, but only if I'm 'unstable'. Sometimes it is helpful, like during confrontions, and when writing darker items. Although other times, when unstable of course, I feel driven to do wild things that I would not ordinarily do, most of them being bad things.

Of course, this is only when unstable, so I guess you could revise it to "my worst enemy is insanity."

Q. How has your thinking changed in the last six months?

A. I've become much nicer, more generous, and more open minded. I understand people better, and am willing to try new things, as well as lend a helping hand to those in need. WDC has especially helped show me how to be a more positive individual.

Q. What is something you disagree with most adults on?

A. School uniforms, as I feel they are a disturbing repression of individuality. I also feel very strongly that cartoons and other children's programming are actually destroying their morals and intelligence. Somehow, few people connect "Eighteen, 30-second commercials in a 9 minute period" to their child's ADHD. Other shows present young children/teens walking all over authority and doing anything they want, yet such shows are not connected to bad behavior, only to 'a bad seed.'

Q. Make a list of the top 10 values or beliefs you have and explain why each one is important to you

A. Wow, tough one...

10: Punctuality. If you show up half an hour late to any event, people are going to stop inviting you!

9: The 'gang banger' lifestyle should be considered illegal. Almost two-thirds of minors walk around with their pants below their buttocks, raving about 'bitches and cappin' sum fools.' Why isn't this at least 'disturbing the peace?'

8: Cops should not do anyone favors, for any reason. Just because your brother is a police officer does not mean you should be allowed to blast rap music at 3 A.M!

7: Obey the law. I shouldn't have to explain this one... if people behaved, then we'd also spend less tax payers money on police wages, as we'd need less of them. Double whammy!

6: Stay in school. Why would you sacrifice your future to be cool for a few months?

5: Be yourself. Don't fake it, because then you're a liar, and you are with people you barely know and do not like.

4: Music should be clean. Any music spouting excess profanity, violent lyrics, or those pointing to abuse or drugs WITHOUT a positive message should be banned.

3: Cartoons should be abolished. Get the kids off the couch, and back on the damn bikes! Parents wonder why their children are obese, with severe anger issues, no respect for authority and the attention span of a cockroach when all that their children watch is mindless babbling, in most cases.

2: Low rise jeans, halter tops, and all other exposing/ excessively tight clothing should be abolished as well. Girls don't have to walk around with half of their nipples showing! It's crude, disrespectful to themselves, their parents and nearby children. Boys don't have to have 95 percent of their crotch showing either. They should be taught to respect those around them and wear clothing in an acceptable manner! Besides the fact that half the fun of a relationship is that usually, clothing should leave something to the imagination. That was a very important aspect, because your body was supposed to remain unseen except by the one you took to bed!

1, and most importantly, Respect. The world cannot function without it. Kids these days are just plain rude, and show no concern for their elders or even their family! I held the door for an elderly couple the other day, and they said I was the first person under the age of 30 who has held the door for them in the past few years. The morals of society are no better then 'disgusting,' and in my opinion, everyone needs a refresher course on manners.

Q. What is something you would never do, no matter what?

A. Have an affair, start a fight without a cause, let a woman be harassed by a man/ group of men without trying to help, or eat bugs.

Q. What is the most frustrating part about being who you are?

A. Easily- my malfunctioning body! I have...

Type 1 Diabetes,
Celiac Disease,
Hypothyroidism,
Minor scoliosis,
Poor cardiac stamina,
Simian toes- a very odd condition...
And a family history of High Blood Pressure, cancer, Bi-polar disorder, and other malignancies.

Q. Have you ever thought about harming someone else? If yes, what brought such thoughts about? How did you resolve the thought(s)?

A. This is going to be a very dark answer indeed... The short answer is yes.

The long answer is that I used to seriously think about killing my father. I couldn't escape his tyrannical grasp, and everyday, he made me feel more and more worthless. Well during this period, I was very unstable, and part of me was begging to kill him. My mind was filled with all sorts of ideas on how to do it, and images of what it would look like. I myself wasn't so sure, but my 'dark side' was near relentless. I very nearly did it several times. I resolved the thoughts through extreme willpower and, occasionally, taking the pain out on myself.

Q. Have you ever tried to commit suicide? If so, write about the event and your feelings at the time.

A. Well WDC, yes I have.

I remember that day well, actually. As I've said, I was unstable, and this was 'one of those days.' It had started well. I was ready to take on the world, and had dressed the part, in heavy black pants that were covered in chains, and a tight black T-shirt that showed off my broad shoulders. Me and a few friends went to see Mr. Woodcock in theaters after bumming around the mall.

Half way through, I became seriously depressed. As I said, I was experiencing the symptoms of bi-polar disorder. Anyway, this was worse then usual, and all I wanted to do was cry and be alone. Somehow, the 5 friends I was with did not notice anything more then 'I seemed quiet.'

I got home to find that our neighbors had come for dinner. A little tid bit about me, I hate surprise dinner guests. I don't mind surprise parties, but if it's just dinner, I want to know in advance. Feeling so left out of the loop made my misery even worse, but this took away all hope for me: There wasn't one thing I could eat. Most of the food had wheat. Since I have Celiac, and can't eat wheat, I was screwed. They said, 'I forgot you'd be here.' I excused myself from the table, went into my room, texted a friend goodbye, and slashed my wrists open.

I was crying, alone in my room, with my friend begging me not to do 'what she thought I was going to do.' I was drowning. I felt as though I'd fallen into a deep hole, and someone shut the lid, locking me away forever. That nothing I did mattered, because no one cared about me. The funny thing is, I didn't bleed. I put about 15 gashes in my wrist, and only lost a drop of blood. I was confused, but more scared over what my mom would say. I couldn't possibly hide the damage, so I took the offensive and showed her just how disturbed I'd been lately.

I'd like to point out that this is while I was having "a stress induced psychotic break" and was having vivid hallucenations and dellusions, further breaking my bonds with family and the world.

In the end, my scars are still glistening lightly upon my wrist, but I am not anywhere close to doing that again.

Q. Describe how teenagers should be treated, in your opinion

A. Teenagers should be treated gently, and with care, but not in a 'babying' sense. They should be given the space to make their own decisions, but have their decision guided and explained if it is bad. If they make a good decision, they should be told so. The parent should stop trying to treat them like their 'child' and treat them as a man or woman. I've seen websites that explain a period for pubescent girls. Where are their parents, that such sites are needed?

Q. What was the last nice thing you did for yourself? And when did you do it?

A. Does making myself my favorite food count? If so, I did that today. If not... I reread one of my favorite books, Lisey's Story by Stephen King, about 2-3 weeks ago.

Q. Spending time alone allows me to...

A. Relfect on my emotions, enjoy the serenity of nature, and take a nice break from reality that allows me to return to my school work and WDC with renewed zeal.

Q. The qualities I admire most in a person are... because...

A. I admire bravery, honesty, integrity, and selflessness, as they show a faithfullness to both one's self, and to those around them. By being a good person, by being true to yourself and those near to you, and by never allowing others to interfere with who you are, you become one of the Elite 1% of humanity who is still a hope for the future. Without these qualities, how can one be trusted?

Q. The biggest mistake I made was... and it affected me...

A. I don't make mistakes- I find ways that don't accomplish my goal, but that build experience and wisdom. Sometimes, they do accomplish my goals, even if it was probably a bad way to try and achieve it.

Q. The first thing I would like to change about myself is... because...

A. I feel this answer would be self-explanitory. I would change my internal body, so that I could eat normal foods and function like everyone else. I love the experience I've gained through my diseases, but I'd still like to try regular pizza!

Q. The first thing I would like to change about the world around me is... because...

I can contribute to this change by...

A. I want to fix the world around me, starting with the people's morals and behavior, then fixing the economy. I want this because if something does not change this hateful, disrespectful mentality, I fear for all our futures. I can help this by publishing articles expressing the power of the common man, and the power of a good education, or possibly creating a children's show that shows how to treat people with respect.

Q. Individuality and self expression are...

A. hugely important! Without expression and individuality, people can be driven mad. The very reason that people are born different and unique is because we evolved to be so diverse. We need such diverse mental input, because if all we ever saw or heard was one color and one voice, we'd all be mad! People do not seem to understand that a lack of diverse stimuli can cause severe damage to several areas of the brain, including motor skills, and long term memory.

Q. What kind of parent do you hope to be?

A. I hope to be the parent that is both fun and mature, a source of happiness and discipline, a man of courage and laughter. I want to be my child's friend, their guardian, and their teacher. I also want to be the parent who knows when to back off and let them live their own life.