Attack of the Squirrels!

Prompt: The number nine keeps popping up everywhere you turn. It started when nine squirrels crossed the road in front of you. What else happens today, and what does it all mean? -- "The Writer's Cramp" 

Dateline: September 2, 2009: National Enquiring News Alert

ATTACK OF THE SQUIRRELS!!!

It was a hot and humid day at the beginning of September. And when dawn broke over the sleepy little town of Darkin, California, no one could have known what was ahead.

Dawn Cagil was just another of the hard workers in this small town. Like everyone else, she woke up, got ready for work, and drove into town. But TODAY was a day UNLIKE ANY OTHER!

According to what Ms. Cagil told THIS REPORTER, she was driving to town, minding her own business when a virtual HERD OF CAVORTING SQUIRRELS crossed her path! She was stunned and immediately stepped on the brakes, but to no avail. She came to a stop and JUMPED OUT of her car, and was HORRIFIED!

The first thing she noticed was the other 4 SQUIRRELS running (NOT scampering!) off the side of the road into the nearby children's playground. She came around the front of her car and what she saw struck her in dismay. FIVE SQUIRRELS lay under the two wheels of her car. FIVE! She started to cry. Overcome by tears, Dawn ran into the nearby children's playground to sit down and try to calm herself.

BUT, as she reached the bench, she noticed something. The other squirrels had NOT run to hide. The squirrels were slowly, silently coming CLOSER. She counted them -- NINE SQUIRRELS. NINE.

Dawn told this reporter her story the very next day as they sat in her kitchen having coffee. This reporter was careful to be very calm and supportive as she asked her questions. NOW follows the EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE VICTIM.

"Ms. Cagil, WHAT made you go into the park in the first place?"

"I just wanted a place to calm down so I could drive to work. It was very traumatic, you know."

"BUT, considering what came after, wasn't that a silly thing to do?"

The victim stared at me for a long time, gathering her thoughts.

"YES," she admitted finally. "I suppose it was."

When she didn't go on, I asked the next piercing question. "What happened NEXT? Tell my readers from the VERY BEGINNING."

"Well," she said, grabbing a tissue and holding it to her nose, "the first thing I noticed was that the squirrels were getting closer. I counted them and there was NINE. Which I thought was weird cuz I had just seen nine: five under my car and four running away." Ms. Cagil suddenly sighed and held back a sob.

"Do go on, tell me what went through your poor demented mind at THAT VERY TIME," I said hurriedly, pushing her.

After a hesitation, she replied, "I thought it was weird because they came at me in a slow circle. I looked around to see if anyone else could see this spectacle. But I was ALL ALONE IN THE PARK. I didn't know what to do."

In awe, I said, "I've never seen squirrels gang up on people. No one's heard of such a thing. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?"

Dawn told me exclusively for the National Enquiring News what happened next.

"The nine squirrels kept coming closer, still in that strange circle around my park bench. A sudden TWITTERING and cawing in the tree above me took my mind off the squirrels for a moment so I looked up. On two branches above me were NINE CROWS and NINE PIGEONS."

"Did you count them?" I asked breathlessly.

"Um...yes." She seemed to hesitate as if to gather her thoughts, then went on. "After I counted THE BIRDS and looked down, the squirrels were closer than before! And directly behind them were FROGS."

"NINE of them?" I enquired with baited breath.

"Yes, NINE."

"I KNEW IT!" I exclaimed. "So, did you know what to do next?"

"I knew I had to do something extreme. There was no getting out of it. So I drew my .45 out of my purse and SHOT THEM ALL!!!"

"But Ms. Cagil," I beseeched. "Don't you know that SHOOTING those poor defenseless animals is against all that PETA (and this newspaper) stands for? How could you DO something like that?
And, can I call you tomorrow for some follow-up questions?"

Dawn stood up, grabbed her purse, took out A GUN, and BRANDISHED THE WEAPON AT THIS REPORTER.

"What are you doing? Has your mind snapped?" I asked hopefully. My readers know how I'm NOT afraid to go AFTER THE STORY, no matter what.

And then Ms. Cagil did something totally unexpected. She ORDERED ME OUT OF HER HOUSE!!! I could NOT believe it! I pleaded, "Ms. Cagil, don't send me away. I need to have this story! My next promotion depends upon it!"

AND THEN SHE SHOT ME! Right in the leg. Dear Readers, I do not have to tell you how much that HURT. I was crying as Dawn calmly reached for the telephone and called 911. I was grateful for the wet towel she gave me to hold over the wound until the paramedics came.

That was the end of the interview for that day, but I promise you, Dear Readers, that THIS REPORTER will NOT REST until I've learned THE REST OF THE STORY. We all know that Ms. Dawn Cagil is hiding something and This Reporter is determined to find out what it is.

I will be calling her every day at 5 p.m. UNTIL she admits her guilt in this event. INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!!

-- Miss Guilda Stern, reporter for National Enquiring News!!!