Chapter Eighteen

The number 14 bus route looped from Freemont to downtown Seattle, then over the bridge and finally back to Freemont.  Rowan rode it away from Jessie’s house at 4 in the morning and he rode that route over and over all that day.  He was unaware of the passage of time, or the scenery the bus passed.  He was oblivious to the passengers who flowed on and off around him, or the many stops and starts of the bus. 

“Hey, buddy, this is the end of the line.  You got to get off here.”  The driver looked at him with distaste.  “You got to get off here, I said.  You deaf?”

Rowan finally got up and climbed off the bus.  He was at the PikeStreet station, and it was dark, whether still or again he did not know.  He spotted a bus bench, and sat down to wait for another ride.  As long as he road the bus, he couldn’t feel the fairy’s pain, but sitting on the bench, it overwhelmed him, and he leaned to the side and retched.

“Man, you okay?” a teenager in baggy pants and a green Mohawk leaned over him.  “Drank too much, did you? You got somewhere to go?  The Sally is right around the corner with 2 hots and a cot for the asking.  Want I should show you?”

“I’m alright.  I’ll just sit here for awhile.”  Rowan’s head pounded with the grief of the hundreds of Otherlings in his charge, until he could hardly manage to speak.

“That’s the thing, man.  You can’t stay here.  The cops are all over this area today, moving loiterers.  Some robberies in the stores here last night got ‘em stirred up.  You’re going to have to move on.”  The kid grabbed his skateboard off the bench.  “So you cool?”

“Yeah, okay, thanks.”  Another wave of nausea hit him, but his stomach had nothing more to give up.  The skateboarder shot off, jumping on and off curbs at a dizzying speed.  Rowan started down the street, hoping for another bus.  Somehow the mechanics of the bus blocked the Otherling energy, and he couldn’t take their pain.  Not yet.  Maybe never. Finally another bus came along, and he climbed aboard to ride some more.  He drifted to sleep as they rattled over the Aurora bridge, and was awakened by someone shaking him.

“Rowan, Rowan wake up!”  Krohn sat beside the wizard.  “You’ve hidden here long enough.  We need you.”

Rowan slowly focused on the shape changer next to him; then turned to stare out the window.  “You don’t need me.  I’m the problem, Krohn, not the solution.”

“Well I’ll be fixed.  I never thought to see the day you’d wallow in self-pity rather than deal.  Get up, you sorry excuse for a wizard.  Now!”  Krohn was in no mood to be ignored, and so Rowan let himself be led off the bus. They had landed on the waterfront near the Red Lantern, and Krohn propelled them toward there.

“For Gaea’s sake, man, I can’t go there. I betrayed them, don’t you see?”  Rowan stood still, resisting the giant’s urging.

“Yes, you did but they still need you, fool.  You owe them a face to spit in, if they wish it.  Or a shoulder to cry on.  I know not what awaits us here, but we belong here, and nothing you say will keep you from it.  March!”

Rowan knew he was right; this moment was inevitable.  He could not continue his life without facing his friends, without sharing their grief, although he mightily wished it were not so.  He had been so blind, stubborn, careless.  He hesitated for one second more, then nodded, and moved forward.  He had to know now, had to see that his charges, his friends, the Otherlings, survived.

The Lantern was unusually quiet as they entered, and for a moment Rowan wondered if perhaps it was deserted.  Then he saw the fairies and the gnomes, the elves and the shape changers filling the room.  Cillia was the first to break the silence.  She flew at him, an angry bee, and began beating on his face with her tiny hands.

“Lilli’s dead Rowan!  Where have you been?  Lilli’s dead!”

For long moments Rowan stood silent, his arms at his side, while Cillia ranted and raved and her slaps stung his cheeks, until finally tears began to flow down them.  Cillia touched the tears, and licked her fingers. “Cry for us all, Rowan.  Cry the tears I wish for,” Cillia said.  She landed on his shoulder and leaned against his ear, wrapping her arms around his head.  “Oh, Rowan, where have you been?”

Rowan felt firm arms hugging his leg, and through his tears he saw Ambra. “Tears will wash your heart, Rowan,” Ambra offered.  “It’ll be alright.” Then he was surrounded by Otherlings, hugging him and patting his back. The forgiveness they offered was more than he could bear, and he wept the more.  Leading him to a chair, the Otherlings sat with him while he cried, grateful for his tears.

When he could speak, he said, “How can you forgive me?  Lilli’s death is my fault!”

Mrs. Lyman bustled up with a filled tankard for him.  “Rowan, that’s nonsense!  That little one’s death was not any of our faults!  She was playing with fire; such an innocent, she had no idea she was in danger.  The failure of the veil surely isn’t your fault.”

Rowan realized then that they didn’t know.  They thought he simply felt guilty because the veil failed.  How could he ever tell them?  Would Jessie be in danger?  Jessie!  For the first time since Illianna’s visit he remembered her.  He’d left her without a word.  She must be worried about him.  Then he saw Krohn glaring at him.

“Don’t worry about your lady.  She is well,” Krohn said.

“How do you know Jessie?” Rowan asked.  “What do you mean?”

“She also looked for you today.  I helped her return home.  She sleeps now.”

“I must go to her.  She doesn’t know!”

“Nor will she.” The Fairy Queen’s voice was iced. Rowan turned at Illianna’s voice.  The fairy queen stood behind him.  “Do you still doubt your place, Rowan?  These are your people.  They are your responsibility, not the human girl.”

“Jessie deserves to know what happened.  I will not leave her without telling her why.”  Rowan rose to confront Illianna.  “Surely there can be no harm in my talking to her.  Lilli’s death is not Jessie’s fault, but mine.  I owe her an explanation.”

“She sees through the veil, doesn’t she?”  At Rowan’s guilty silence Illianna continued.  “What does she know, Rowan?”

“Jessie is no threat to us.  She is a kind, gentle being.  There is no harm in her.”

“Rowan, does Jessie know about us?”  Ambra stood at his feet, tugging on his pants leg.

“She’d been seeing things she couldn’t understand.  I showed her enough so that she wouldn’t be frightened, that’s all.”  The Otherlings were silent around him, wondering what this would mean. 

Illianna finally spoke.  “She’ll need a special veil to help her forget.  I’ll take care of it.”

“No!  She can be a part of us, Illianna!  Jessie is a kind, dear woman who wouldn't hurt a fly.” Rowan stared fiercely at Illianna like a father protecting his young. Ambra clung to his pants leg while Cillia hovered by his shoulder and Frog rocked nervously beside him.
“Each person she touches is then in danger of seeing through the veil. Have you forgotten the Camelot wars? You lost Ariane then. Who are you willing to sacrifice this time?” Illianna had risen to her most imperious  height, and she glared down at Rowan.
Rowan's knees gave way and Krohn pushed a chair under him. Cradling his face in his hands he stared silently at the floor.  The Red Lantern was filled with silent Otherlings holding their breaths.

Mrs. Lyman broke through the crowd and came straight to Illianna. “Stop! Rowan's loss was no greater than anyone else's, and 'tis beneath you to use it against him. His only failure was love, of which he has shown us all much for low these long years.”
Now it was Illianna's turn to wilt, and she shrank to her knees.

Rowan stood. “No, Mrs. Lyman, she is right. My first loyalty is to you – to all of you – and while it is true that I love Jessie, I loved you all first.” Turning to Illianna he continued, “Do it.” He turned and walked out of the Lantern.