The Duchess and the Dwip

Dwindella Darson was very rich and loved sex. She wasn't a real duchess but she lived like one in her penthouse apartment.

One boring afternoon when none of the boyfriends in her address book appealed to her as a possible sex partner, she decided to ask her Ouija board for a lover like none she had ever had before.

She relaxed and let her fingers fly where they would on the board. It spelled out: u_s_e t_h_e r_i_n_g. That puzzled her until she remembered the so-called "magic wishing ring" she had bought from a shopkeeper in Morocco. Made from thick brass and shaped like a serpent, the ring had fascinated her at that moment but later ended up forgotten in one of her many jewelry boxes.

Now she dug it out and stared at it. She liked the way the serpent's body was thick and phallic. Should she rub the whole ring or just the head? "I wish I could have a lover entirely different from any I have had before," she said and rubbed the ring.

Immediately the room was filled with a humming noise like a bee hive and a small point of pink light rapidly grew into a whirlpool of energy that reached from floor to ceiling. There was a distant sound of an old jalopy chugging down a road that grew louder and then POW! A little red-and-yellow car burst out of the whirlpool and skidded across her carpet.

The driver leaped out of the front seat, spread his arms, and said. "Hi! I am the Dwip! But you can call me Dwippy."

Dwindella's mouth had fallen open at the first appearance of the whirlpool of energy, but she managed to close it and squeak, "The Dwip?"

"Yah! That's me!" Dwippy said and flung his arms even wider apart. "I'm like no lover you ever had before!"

Dwindella stared. Dwippy had a big head as round as a bowling ball, a little red button nose, and two big blue eyes. Snugged down on his head was a jester's hat whose conical shape ended in a single brass jingle bell. Dwippy was three feet tall.

"B- but you're just a kid," Dwindella said.

"No I'm not!"

"Oh my God! A midget? A dwarf?"

Dwippy laughed. "Nooooooo! I'm your lover like no other! Hahahahaha!"

Dwindella put her hand to her mouth. "I must be dreaming this."

"No, it's not a dream, silly! You wished for me and here I am!"

"But I wished for a lover, not a little round clown thing. No offense."

Dwippy assumed a Superman pose with his fists on his hips. "Ah, but I AM a lover. I come completely equipped to satisfy your needs. I have a wiener."

"What?!"

"A wiener. You know." Dwippy made a circle with the thumb and finger of one hand and stick the forefinger of his other hand in the circle and thrust it in and out. He bucked his hips at the same time and said, "Good lovin'!"

Dwindella shook her head. "OK, this is too much. I don't know who you are or where you came from, but please go back before I freak out completely and jump off the roof. I don't need this."

Dwippy frowned. "I can't go back until I've satisfied your wish. Are you going to be hard to please?"

"Hard to please? Hard to please? I don't know what the fucked-up wishing ring was thinking, but if it thinks you are what I was wishing for then it is sadly mistaken."

"But you said you wanted a lover unlike your other lovers. They are tall and I am short. They have square jaws and I have a round jaw. They drive expensive cars and I drive a jalopy. They dress stylishly and I dress like a clown. They act mature and I act childish. They--"

Dwindella held up her hand. "OK, stop with your list. I hate lists. Technically, you're right. You're totally different. But I asked for a LOVER, someone who is good in bed, not a little clown dweeb who doesn't even have a penis and probably wouldn't know what to do with a penis if he had one."

Tears formed in Dwippy's eyes. "You hate me." He began sobbing. "You hate me. You hate me."

Dwindella looked up at the ceiling. "Oh shit." She put her hand on Dwippy's shoulder. "Don't cry. I'm sorry I said that. Please stop crying. Stop crying. You're creeping me out."

"I'm sorry," Dwippy said, rubbing his eyes. "You hurt my feelings."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry about that. Look, just go away and we'll forget this ever happened. Tell the ring I said you were a great lover and I'm really happy how the wish turned out. OK? Just do that and everything will be fine. Good-bye, now." Dwindella held out her hand for a handshake.

"That would be lying," Dwippy said. "I can't tell a lie."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because all your other lovers told lies so I have to tell the truth."

Dwindella stared at him. "But you're not my lover. You're not going to be my lover. I give you permission to lie. Go lie all you want. It's OK with me."

"No, I don't think so. I think we should at least pretend to have sex. If we do that then I think the ring will be happy. That way, at least I tried."

Dwindella wondered if she could just toss him off the balcony. It was 33 stories down to the street. Was he so magical that he couldn't fall? She slapped his face hard.

"Ouch! Why did you do that?"

"I was wondering if you could be hurt."

"Of course I can be hurt. Is that the kind of sex you are into? Kinky stuff?"

"No, you little--" Dwindella bit her tongue. She didn't want to see him cry again. "Listen," she said. "Are you serious about the pretend thing? Like just a few seconds of pretend sex and we're done here?"

"Well, more than just a few seconds!"

"OK, minutes then, but not hours and hours, right?"

Dwippy smiled. "Right. Just a brief encounter, a trip to the moon on alabaster wings, a little visit to paradise."

Dwindella rolled her eyes. "Riiiiiight. Do we have to take our clothes off?"

Dwippy made a face. "Yessss. Haven't you ever made love before?"

"Just do it," Dwindella said and unsnapped her bra.

Dwippy tossed his hat on the floor and pulled his shirt off, then his pants. He wasn't wearing any underwear.

When Dwindella finished removing her panties she looked up and saw Dwippy's nude body. "What is that thing?"

"That's my wiener."

"But it looks like a-- a wiener. It's like a goddam Oscay Meyer frankfurter hanging there."

Dwippy held his wiener up. "It's cool, isn't it? You never had a lover like this before, did you?"

Dwindella stared at his smooth penis and felt a little sick. It had no head and no piss slit, just a smooth shape like a hot dog. In fact, she thought, it must be almost the exact same size as a hot dog, and not bun length either, just regular size. "How do you pee?" she said.

Dippy grinned. "Are you into water sports?"

Dwindella's eyes widened. "No! I just wondered... oh forget it. Are we done now?"

"Huh-uh, I have to stick my wiener in your pussy."

"I'm not sure I want you to do that."

"It won't be pretend sex if I don't!"

Dwindella sighed and lay down on her bed. "OK, stick it in."

"First you have to get it excited."

"Twisted Twats! Just stick it in! I don't want to have sex with you! We're just pretending so you'll go the fuck away and leave me alone, you little shithead!"

Tears burst from Dwippy's eyes and he began sobbing.

Dwindella lay on her back pounding her fists on the bed. "Shit! Shit! Shit!"

Dwippy's sobs finally quited down. Dwindella still lay on her back staring at the ceiling. "Are you through crying?" she asked.

"I think so," Dwippy said, and wiped one last tear from his eye.

In a quiet voice Dwindella said, "I want you to climb on top of me and stick your penis in my pussy. Can you do that?"

"Sure! That's what I'm here for!"

"I know. Just do what you are here for and then we will all be happy and this experience will be over and I can throw that goddam ring down the toilet and never see it again."

Dwippy climbed up on the bed. "I'm glad you like me now. Look! My wiener is excited. That's all it needed, just for you to like me."

"I'm happy for your wiener. Now stick it in me. That's right. Good. Good."

"I have to pump it in and out some."

"You just do what you have to do. I'm just going to lie here and enjoy it. My, you're such a good lover. I will miss you when you're gone."

"I don't have to leave right away."

"Yes you do."

Dwippy pumped his hips. "This is my special move."

Dwindella glanced at the clock. She looked at Dwippy's smiling face. He was such a stupid little thing. It wouldn't kill her to pretend to enjoy it. She rubbed his back and whispered in his ear. "Oh God, you're so good."

"I know," Dwippy said, and bucked fasted.

Dwindella moved with him. What the hell, an orgasm was an orgasm, wasn't it? Dwippy wasn't much, but he was better than her electric dildoes, even the big green one that required 6 AA batteries and had a four-way switch. She let the moment possess her.

Dwindella clutched Dwippy tight and screamed out loud as she had her first orgasm. It seemed to inspire Dwippy to new efforts and she soon had another one. "Oh! Oh!" she gasped. "That was better than I expected!"

"More?" Dwippy said.

She wanted to say no, but she was already climbing up to a new peak so she yelled out, "Yes! Yes! Oh yes!" and had her third orgasm. Then she managed to push Dwippy away. "Stop! Stop! That's enough."

"Was I like the other lovers?" Dwippy said.

She smiled at him and rubbed his shoulders. "No... you weren't. You were different. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I guess I should go now."

"Yes. You better go. I have a date this evening. Uh... will I ever see you again?"

Dwippy kissed her hand. "You have the ring."

"Right," she said. "Thank you. Good-bye."

Dwippy got in his little red-and-yellow car. Immediately a whirlpool of energy opened up. He beeped his horn, waved, and drove into the whirlpool. The whirlpool vanished.

Dwindella sighed and picked up the brass wishing ring. I better keep this in a safe place, she thought, so I can find it again.