The Archive Bogey

Have you ever wondered why, no matter the size of the archive or how well-kept it is, some files kept in there always end up missing, incomplete or mixed up with other ones? And have you ever wondered how it could be that it is always the one you came to look for, no matter how old or new it is? And how sure were you that you put this or that document in your file before you handed it over to be archived? If any of these thoughts crossed your mind, did you then wonder where your file had gone?

~*~

"I really can't find the file," Jenna said to Mr. Coxcomb, the less-than-friendly guy from Corporate who had apparently come in that day for the sole purpose of bossing her about.

He gave her a long, hard look. The two anonymous Suits watched her quietly. "Well," he said pensively, "I guess you didn't look carefully enough."

"I looked through four hundred files all sorted by number!" She defended herself. "Twice! It really wasn't there."

"You'll just have to look again then, won't you, Jenna?" Mr. Coxcomb was a run-off-the-mill type of executive that could be found in droves in any company. He was in his thirties, married (she could tell from his tacky gold ring), not quite the slim and fit young man he used to be, and fully convinced of his own importance. The only way he could be distinguished from his fellow executives was by looking at the necktie. Mr. Coxcomb proudly sported one with a Mickey Mouse pattern.

"What if I still can't find it?" she asked.

He glanced at the Suits. "That's not an option, Jenna. Dig through every last file if you have to. I don't mean to be difficult, but They want to review the matter and We need to comply. Since the servers crashed last week we no longer have any digital backup, so I'm counting on you to find Them the original documents."

She sighed dejectedly and plodded off, making her way to the archive for the third time that day. The exchange played in her head as she made her way through the corridor and once more with feeling as she waited for the lift to take her to the right floor. The lights were out in the archive now. The only light came in from a narrow window high up in the back. She reached for the switch, then changed her mind. The dim light suited her bleak mood.

Jenna sat down with a sigh and set her mind to blank. She pulled out a row of files and started going through them one by one. She really didn't see the point, but there was nothing for it. It wasn't long before she noticed a faint scratching noise coming from a few rows of shelving units away, and a vague scurrying sound not much later.

"Figures there's rats in here," she muttered. She did her best to ignore the sounds and continued looking. There were pink files, blue files, orange files and green files to look through, and when she was finished with those there were still the red and the purple and the yellow ones to check. There had to be some common denominator in the content of each colour-coded file, but even after five years with the company Jenna had not quite been able to figure it out.

The scratching stopped and was replaced by low, menacing hisses. Jenna slammed down the file she was holding and looked to where the sound had come from, but there was nothing there and now it was silent. She picked the file back up and resumed her search. Pretty soon the scratching and scurrying could be heard again.

Jenna did her best to ignore it, but it seemed to be getting louder and came from everywhere at once. She got up quietly and tip-toed to where she thought the noises were loudest, rolling up the file she was holding and raising it above her head, ready to thwack the noisemaker into submission. She rounded a corner and promptly dropped the file.

On the floor not three feet away sat something that somewhat resembled a penguin that had been involved in some kind of Chernobyl-esque incident. Its flipper-like arms ended in small claws, and its stubby legs ended in talons. The creature had two huge, bulbous eyes atop its head and beneath a crooked nose it had a wide mouth with many little razor-sharp teeth, presently engaged in the consumption of a yellow-coloured file. For some reason it wore a necktie.

"Hi," it said. The remains of the file fell from its jaws and landed on the floor in a small puddle of faintly greenish dribble. In the fading late afternoon light Jenna had to squint to read the file number.

"That's my file," she said accusingly.

It gave her a hideous grin. "Mine now. I found it first."

"I needed that," Jenna said miserably. "I could lose my job if I go back without it."

"But it's my favourite flavour," the creature whined. "Tastes of misconduct and non-compliance."

Jenna blinked at the thing. "What are you anyway?"

It drew itself up to its full height, some inches short of two feet. It proudly puffed out its chest and said: "I am the terrifying Archive Bogey. Scuttling, scurrying, and instilling fear in the working masses is what I do best."

"And eating files," Jenna said pointedly.

The bogey bent its head in shame. "I was hungry," it said in a small voice.

"Did you have to eat my file for that?" She sighed.

"Didn't mean to," the bogey mumbled. "Sorry."

"Well, how am I going to explain this to Mr. Coxcomb?" she asked.

"I guess... I guess you can take the leftovers to him, if he's hungry. I'm on a diet anyway," the creature offered.

"Thanks," Jenna muttered. She bent down and took up the sticky remains of the file between two fingers, holding it at arm's length.

"Was such a good one, too," the bogey sighed wistfully. "Very rich and scandalous."

"Yeah, okay," Jenna said, turning to head back to the lift.

"See ya," the bogey said.

"Uhm, yeah," Jenna replied. "See ya."

She left the archive and made her way back to the office Mr. Coxcomb had commandeered, always keeping the file at some distance. It wasn't just sticky, it was smelly too. She entered the spacious office with renewed disdain for its occupants and took some pleasure in dropping the dirty mass flatly onto Mr. Coxcomb's desk. He looked down his nose at the pungent remains.

"We have rats in the archive," Jenna said. "That was all that was left."

Mr. Coxcomb took what remained of the file's cover between thumb and forefinger and turned it over. He inspected the remnants carefully and closed the file again, meticulously cleaning both his hands with an anti-bacterial wipe once he was done. He directed his attention to the two stoic Suits sitting across the room.

"Well," he said gleefully. "Looks like there's not much left to inspect. None of this stuff is legible now. You are welcome to look, of course. We are ever eager to comply." He turned to Jenna. "Thank you. You can go now." He didn't even bother to wipe the smirk off his face, and it occurred to Jenna as she left the office that he looked a remarkable lot like the bogey that way.