kiss me tears away

She ran out the door forcing back tears, she did not know how to react but by running away.  She had never been good at bad news and this was probably one of the worst things that anybody could have told her; her best friend was dead! She immediately stopped running when she got outside, it was December, in Wisconsin and she had only a thin long sleeved shirt on. She just stood staring straight ahead, but not really seeing anything, her vision was blurred by the throbbing pain in her temples. She did not realize that she was cold until she started shivering and she understood the reason why her body would not allow her to keep running. Her whole body began to shake; she had only been standing outside for two minutes before he was at her side, with a coat around her shoulders, nudging her to come inside.

“Lacey you are going to freeze to death if you stay out here, come inside,” Jeremy said in a weary tone. With her lack of movement, he swept her very carefully into his arms and carried her indoors. 

He spoke to no one as he passed. Her usually bright blue eyes were now glazed over with shock and he knew that the company could take care of themselves; his priority was in his arms. He sat her down on the bed and started to prepare a bath for her. After he kissed her lightly on the forehead she told her that he would be right back with some ginger tea; her favorite. She managed to get undressed and walk to the bathroom to take the bath that was ready for her. The steam that immediately swarmed her face made her step back, but the smell of the dampness drew her closer. Once she stepped in and sat down, she could no longer move, the warmth if the water surged through every part of her body. On any other day she would have been relaxed in moments, but the thoughts racing through her head would not give her any peace.

He returned to find her just sitting in the tube full of lukewarm water. Jeremy cautiously walk to the edge and knelt down, he picked up the washcloth and put soap on it. With his brawny but gentle hands, he pressed the washcloth gently against her back, her back arched with the shock of the cold cloth, but she did not push away. She was able to step out and he wrapped a towel around her, he carried her to the bed once again. His eyes searched back and forth through the closet looking for something she could wear that was suitable and comfortable enough for the rest of the night.

After she was dried and dressed, she gained back some of her motor skills and was able to brush and put up her hair; she had a rich chocolate brown tint to her dark hair, and with it still being damp it looked almost black. She could smell the scent of ginger the second he brought in the cup, but did not react to it as she usually did; she simply waited for him to hand it to her. She took in a breath of it before she took her first sip the smell alone made her start feeling better. He rushed into the bathroom to repeat the task that he had just helped his wife with. He showered and was dressed with ten minutes, and by the time with was in her presence her tea was gone. He was pleased that she was able to drink something, because he did not know when she would eat again.

He grabbed her hands and pulled her up to him, she was startled by his quick movement she had no time to respond. One moment she was staring at her shaking hands and the next she was two inches from him. She held her breath and stared into his soft, worried eyes, she would not let go of his gaze, because she knew in that moment she was safe from any pain, nothing could ever touch her, when she was in his safe arms. He wrapped was now around her whole body, he being twice her size, did this very easily. This had been the first time that he even tried to comfort her since the news was told to her. She unwillingly let go of his beautiful eyes and buried her face into his huge chest. He did all he knew how; he hugged and kissed the top of her head until she came up for breath and looked into his eyes. He was instantly saddened by her puffy red eyes and could not help but tearing up himself. He had not been close to her friend; the suffering he could clearly see that she was going through was what caused his grief.

When she was capable of calming herself enough to speak, she exclaimed, “We should go check on the company.”

He looked at her with questioning eyes, and she answered his look, “I’m perfectly able to say goodbye.” He was still doubtful and did not want her to have to go through even more pain, if she were not as fine as she let on and did end up breaking down in front of her friends. She only persisted until he reluctantly agreed, with a few conditions.

“All we are doing is saying goodbye for the night, there has been enough conversation, and if you feel the least bit out of control in your emotions you need to excuse yourself immediately and leave the room.” He said this is the nicest tone he could come up with but it still came out harsher than he intended. On a normal day, she would have become upset at the fact that he was telling her what to do as if she were a five year old, but today; she simply shook her head in agreement, because she too realized that even with is sharp tone he was only looking out for her.

Lucky they all stood as soon as they made their way down the stairs, they had obviously been waiting anxiously, they walked straight for the door as soon as they made it into the room. They all hugged said their goodbyes, and gave wishful remarks on the night’s sleep that was ahead of them. He was more relieved than she was when they were gone, she always enjoyed company; but he knew her well enough to know that if she were to break down in front of people, she would cause more pain on herself than the helpful people around her would. He raced up the stairs and was back before she noticed his absence; he had grabbed her teacup and was on his way to the kitchen to refill it and to pour one for him. She made her way to the couch and sat starting at the stain in the carpet; she had dropped her cup when she was told that the person she grew up with, the person she told everything to, the person that was there for her no matter what, the person that had been her best friend since she was four, was dead. She stood as he walked into the room; she was ready for bed and certainly did not need him to tell her that.

She only took two sips of this cup before she was warmed up; she set it down on her nightstand and did not touch it once more. After he had finished his cup, he lay on his side staring at her pale face. A single teardrop slid down her swollen face, and without thinking he pulled her closer to him and wrapped his arms around her and she lay there crying, until it felt like no more tears were ever going to come out of her eyes. After 45 minutes of crying in his arms, she fell asleep in the same position, it took him another hour before he could do the same.

No alarms were set; everything that had been planned was canceled. He knew that she would need at least a week before she was fully functioning again and at least a month or two before she was back to normal. Fortunately, the friends that had relayed the bad news work in the same facility as her, and were able to make everyone aware of the situation. Everyone was very sympathetic and she was given two weeks off to get everything straightened out. He was more pleased with this arrangement than she was, she wanted to get back to work and force everything back together again, not looking at the repercussions of these choices. He knew that healing takes time and he would simply have to get her to understand that before she tried to rush into something she was not ready for.

They lay in bed still exhausted from the day before, but she was ready to get up and start the day. He urged her to take things slower, telling her that there was no rush for anything, these two weeks needed to be as relaxing as possibly. She was not fond of relaxing when things needed to be done and absolutely hated when people, even Jeremy, her love, told her to slow down. Her life is fast passed; everything she does is completed quick and efficiently. When things slow down, she feels they will not be done well enough. It only took her two days, of her trying to do it her way, and failing, for her to begin listen and comprehend the words coming out of his mouth.

Once she was able to function, with his help, she could start doing the things she wanted to be done.  She slowly was able to shop and see people, but she could not stop the fact that she cried herself to sleep each night. Even lying in his arms with him comforting the best he could, she still managed to feel miserable and depressed when she needed to sleep. She found that when she was not doing a task that her mind would wonder to the pain she was feeling inside. Her emotions controlled her thoughts and her thought controlled her mood, because her emotions were very unstable, she suffered through many sleepless nights. His mood was also constantly negative because he hated seeing her like this with nothing he could do.

After about a week went by, everything was slowly fitting back into place, they both were sleeping through the night and she was able to do normal task with no problem. She woke exceptionally early, this Saturday morning; she was not able to sleep past five. She slipped out of bed trying not to disturb him; she made it to the restroom before he was too, out of bed at her side. He fully embraced her pulling her up to him. He kissed her on both cheeks and then on the mouth, she was shocked by his movements and could not make her body do anything but stand there. His lips felt so warm and loving against her cold face, she was not able to give him her magnificent smile that he loved, but a small grin did find and place where his lips had just been. He smiled backed showing his complete understanding of her sad mood ahead. He turned and allowed her to accomplish what she had set to do when walking to the bathroom.

After showering she walked down to the kitchen to find him making pancakes; she sat just admiring, the great splendor that was standing before her. When he realized she was sitting there, he walked over to the counter so there was one two feet in between them. He leaned on his elbows putting his face only inches from hers; she just smiled as he made chills run down her spine. He smiled back and kissed her on the forehead.

“Feel better?” he casually asked. She did not respond, he turned to look at her and she shook her head motioning that she did.

“Good!” was his only response. She did not feel like talking, she knew that this day was going to be full of uncomfortable, unwanted conversation, and she did not want her nerves to get the best of her. If she started talking now she might not have the strength to do so when it was necessary. He realized this all without her explanation and did not say another word.

They went upstairs after breakfast; she had laid both their outfits out the night before. He grabbed his tuxedo and walked to the restroom; she stayed in the room and slipped her black dress on. After he was finished she walked passed him without even looking at him, she was starting to feel uneasy and was blocking out any noise just to keep herself from falling over. She knew there was still two and a half hours before the needed to leave, but she wanted to finish getting ready so she did not have to worry about anything else until they got to the church.

He had picked up a book while waiting for her to come down. After an hour he started to wonder what was taking so long, even on a special occasion, it never took her longer than a half an hour to get ready. He decided to give her ten more minutes before going to check on her. He sat in agony for two minutes before he choose to give up on his first plan, he jogged up the stairs, two at a time, and was able to get to the door handle of the bathroom  in a whopping nine seconds. He stopped at the door, after hearing no movement and only a faint sound of sobs, his heart dropped to his toes. He held his breath and without knocking, he opened the door slowly, only to find her on the floor in the way of it. He rushed to the ground and took her into his arms. She shook with every cry; he cradled her and rocked back and forth. His back against the wall, he lightly put his head against it and closed his eyes.

She woke, with a terrible pain in her neck, but felt at ease with his clod hands on her burning face. She became conscious of their surroundings and suddenly remembered. She shook him awake, shouting something her could not comprehend. He stood watching her rush to the mirror pulling her hair out of her face and pinning it down. She turned and shouted, “What time is it?”

He slowly walked to her, and touched her cheek, “We’re fine, and we still have 20 minutes until we have to leave.” She put her arms around his neck and laid her head on his shoulder. He hugged her back and with all his might, he fought back the tears in his throat. She let go, but he did not do the same, he stood there with his arms wrapped around her torso, and would not let go. She placed her arms back into the same position with ease, and allowed a smile to grow across her face. When he finally let her body go, his hands slid to her to her cheeks, he lifted her face to his, he stopped when they were an inch apart and whisper, “I love you.” She closed the gap by kissing his lips.

They managed to get out the door only five minutes later than planned, but still made it to the church on time; they were the second ones there. The immediate family had been sitting in the front pew, when all heads turned to the back of the room as they walked in. The mom stood and rushed to them, touching both of their shoulders, grinning the best she could.

“Lacey, Jeremy, I’m so glad you were able to make it…”

Lacey interrupted her thanks, “She was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a sister, and there is nothing on the face of the earth that could have stopped me from being here.” Her comment ended the first awkward conversation of the afternoon and she hopped they all would be that simple.

After an hour later, and 50 more guests her hopes were shattered. The only thing that kept her from running as far away as possible was him at her side. He stood holding her hand, walked and greeted with a compassionate smile across his face, and sat with her until the service started. She could only feel like a small child when sitting next to him, he seemed like none of this bothered him; while all she felt like was running away. The half smile she placed on her face, feeling as if someone glued it there, was nothing compared to his genially caring face that he shown with pride.

When it came time for her to give the speech she had prepared the night before, she started having trouble breathing. Never before in her life had she become so nervous about public speaking, usually she was excited about expressing her thoughts to a group of people, but today she was sharing not only her thoughts but also her pain. He kissed her shaking hand and she stood to walk to the stage, at this point her only goal was not to fall on her face. Once she was in position, she stared down at the one note card with a couple of scribbled words on it. Someone cleared there throat and she finally looked forward. With tears streaming down her face, she started to pour out her heart to these people, half of them she did not know and the other half she hardly spoke to. She was not able to finish her last thoughts but was able to wrap up what she was saying, she had only been on stage for ten minutes but if she stayed on any longer she might not have be able to control her emotions. The roar of applause only made it harder for her not to burst into uncontrollable tears.

Her face was blank while they drove to the gravesite. He would not let go of her hand after she walked off stage, and he could take his eyes off her. She had not noticed his yearning to speak with her until they stepped out of the car. He stood on the side of the car, still holding her hand, while everyone passed. He held her gaze, until every person stared the walk up to the site.

“This is going to sound really stupid but, are you ok?” he asked reluctantly.

She quickly responded, “I’m fine.”

“No! Tell me what you are feeling, do not shut me out with lies,” he said with a snarl. Her face turned red and the tears started rolling. He had an apologetic look on his face, but was still was expecting an answer.

“I just do not know how I am going to live without her,” she blurted out.

“It will take time, and a lot of practice, but you can do it,” he said with a much softer tone. Their conversation only lasting about two minutes they caught up with everyone quickly.   

There was to be a potluck at the parent’s house, after the burial, but she could not handle any more discussion on this painful topic. She figured that if she went home, it would end for the day. She was correct, after they changed; they took a nap and leisurely made their way to the kitchen for food. She did not except to eat a whole lot, but he would not drop the subject until she agreed to have at least a piece of toast. While she nibbled, he gobbled down a sandwich. She picked out a chick flick but ten minutes after it started, she was safely asleep in his arms once again. He turned the TV off with the remote and just watched her; he watched, as his love lay motionless, she had not ever looked more peaceful. He wanted to kiss her face until all her pain disappeared, he wanted to hug her and never let go. He wanted love to be the only emotion he felt when he was around her, he did not always get his wish, but here in this moment, it came true.

She woke the next morning, to find him just staring at her, he smiled as she blinked the tiredness away, but she did not do the same. She kept the dreary look on her face, which managed to destroy his smile.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Why did you pick me?” was all she was able to get out.

“What?”

“Why did you pick me, why did you choose someone that you have to hold like a baby every day, just keep her from breaking down? You could have chosen someone strong that could deal with this.” He just stared at her with amazement in his eyes.

“Well?” His smile returned bigger and better than before. This did not comfort her in any way, but only made her feel worse, she turn to her other side so he would not have to look at her any longer.

“Hey wait,” he said, but she did not move. He slid his arm underneath her back and scoped her up so her back was against his chest.

He bent his head around her neck and laid it directly above hers. His mouth was now only a couple of inches from her ear, he whispered, “I love you more than anything this world, there is nobody that is superior or that I would ever what to be with, only you. You are perfect the way you are, and death is not something that you can just deal with. And please, never question my love for you ever again, it will never lessen, only grow to greater heights.” She turned over and laid her head on his chest, he slowly started kissing away her tears.