"The Exorcist" Movie Review

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Review - The funniest review of a well-known (1) classic horror film.

Footnotes
(1)  I'm trusting you to do without a list this year: don't let me down by referencing some obscure student independent film that was shown in a back street cafe at Sundance
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An Indelible review of...

                   William Peter Blatty's

The Exorcist

by Indelibleink

         

When I first considered the possibility of writing a review of the 1973 classic THE EXORCIST, I was hesitant, for a number of what I believed to be valid reasons. First of all, I felt I had a legitimate argument that maybe some folks simply hadn't had the opportunity to see it yet, and a review by me might just wreck it for them. Did I really want to be saddled with that guilt for the rest of my earthly existence? Absolutely not!  Secondly, the high level of sophistication that I obviously bring to the table is not generally spent on stuff that simply goes "BOO!"  Thirdly, and, lastly, I just recently became Catholic (I "bundled" my religion with my cable and internet provider, and got a helluva deal). So, if I'm like, critical of the Catholics in my review, are they going to come after me? My family? Take away my free 6 months of HBO? You can see that I had many decisions - and delicate decisions at that - to consider.

Let it be known to all, right here and now, just how I do movie reviews: I recount the basic story line, divided into paragraphs. At the end of each paragraph, I give that segment of the movie a rating, either a , or a . Why would I do such a thing, you query? Well, for one thing, I feel it gives the reader the impression that I actually put far more effort into the piece than I actually did. Anyway, at the end of the review, I tally the good thumbs versus the bad thumbs, and arrive at what I call a  "good thumb percentage," or GTP. This GTP can be converted (you don't need a calculator, I'll do it for you) to a standard grading scale (i.e. 90+% = "A", 80-89% ="B", and so on). Just think...you're getting all this for free! So, without further ado, let's examine THE EXORCIST!

Our story begins with an elderly priest (I won't mention any denomination for fear of recrimination) poking around at a archaeological site in Iraq (Oh, the trouble he could have saved us had he stumbled onto Bin Laden). Early on there are a number of ominous warnings that this film is not going to be exactly quite the "bundle of giggles" that YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, for example, was, but the only part really worth remembering is when a wall clock somewhere (I forgot exactly where, but that only means that it's not significant to the story. Besides, cut me a little slack here - it's been more than 35 years since I've seen it) stops ticking. So, what I'm saying here is: fast forward through the Iraqi dig; you're not missing much. Rating: (Not a good start, eh)?

Back in the friendly confines of the US of A, we meet a young actress named Chris (Ellen Burstyn) McNeil who lives in a humongous house in Washington, DC. She lives with her daughter, Regan (Linda Blair), a married German housekeeping couple with really heavy accents, and Chris's assistant, whose name escapes me (and yes, that means you don't need to know it, either). The spooky stuff starts out with strange noises in the attic (Wow! That's never been done before...what a clever beginning). Chris, at some point, asks the housekeeper to go up and get rid of the rats. Curiously, the noises continue... (I like rats. WILLARD was a personal  rat movie favorite of mine).

Anyway, and I'm skipping some more insignificant stuff here, it comes to pass that Regan has a new friend in an Ouija board named Ronald (get it? Ronald...Regan...in Washington?) Oh never mind, I'm just yanking your chain. The board's name was really "Mr. Howdy" Actually the name doesn't really matter, now that I think about it. You could skip this part too. (Can it really be this bad)?

Back at the ranch, (Okay, church, if you're going to be a stickler) it's time we met Father Karras. He's struggling with faith issues (apparently he wasn't offered the bundle deal that I got when I signed on) and to make matters worse, his Mom dies in a run-down old-folks home, because "Father Frugal" couldn't afford better digs for Ma.(They like to call this sort of thing, "character development").

Fast forward to Chris's house one night, and she's entertaining some very important people at a very "posh" party. Things are rolling along quite nicely, thank you, until Regan decides to pee on the carpet in front of all of the guests. The housekeeper dashes into the kitchen for some Fabreeze, but is quite embarrassed when reminded that it hasn't been invented yet. She returns with a tablespoon of baking soda, wishing she had looked at the script a little closer before the shoot. But, the film starts to pick up some speed from here. Later, Chris hears noises in Regan's bedroom. She enters to see the bed shaking and levitating & Regan screaming like a twelve-year-old (most likely because she actually was twelve). Chris decides it's time for a "No-More-Mrs.-Nice-Guy" approach (Really? Let's not be hasty, now).(Looking good for the home team; special effects are awesome).

Regan has to undergo a plethora of medical tests that reveal nothing (demonstrating that much hasn't changed in the medical world over the last 35 years), but soon Regan goes wacko at home. A couple of doctors are sent to help, but Regan goes all "commando" on them and throws them around the room like a couple of rag dolls. Her voice has gone from twelve-year-old girl to something more reminiscent of Barry White on steroids; and I should probably mention that Regan isn't quite as cute as she used to be. Trust me: "Bad hair day" ain't the half of it! She's also starting to drop a lot of F-bombs, too, so if that stuff bothers you, hit the FF-bomb button (Relax...I mean "Fast Forward"). (Considering what I pay for medical care, I rather enjoy seeing doctors in pain, for a change)!

At this point, the doctors are growing tired of being used as punching bags, and suggest to Chris that maybe - just maybe - Regan's problem isn't of a physical nature (these guys are sharp, eh?), and the problem might be psychological. In fact, they go a step further and suggest that perhaps that it could be a case of demonic possession. Ever the cynic, Chris, in effect, says "Fiddle-faddle," to the possibility.(I like Chris's reluctance to "believe." She wasn't born yesterday, you know).

One evening, after a night of socializing (and, who among us hasn't gone out for a night of fun just after it's been suggested our kid had been possessed by the devil), Chris returns home to find Regan at home all alone, her room freezing cold. Regan had been left in the care of Chris's assistant, who had to go out to get a prescription filled, and left Regan in the care of an alcoholic film director (seriously, who hasn't done that, either)?  (Note: I'm not sure what happened to the elderly German couple; they may have been attending a Hogan's Heroes convention or something). Soon thereafter, it is revealed that the alcoholic film director has been discovered - dead -outside at the bottom of the stairs leading up to Chris's house, which is also, quite coincidentally, right below Regan's bedroom window. (Hmmmm...) (Now, I'm not normally one given to speculation - well, not since I thought Mondale was a "shoo-in," anyway - but they might want to check the kid)!

Oops....too late! Chris hears loud voices from Regan's bedroom. These are not just normal voices, either. We've got Regan's terrified voice, and the Barry White "pissed off" voice, too. Chris rushes into the room. This is where the movie gets very graphic and unpleasant for many viewers. I, for a number of reasons, will spare you my description of the events that took place. Safe to say that Chris no longer has any questions about the possibility of her daughter and demonic possession, and I'll leave it at that. Chris also no longer has any doubts that Regan was involved in the alcoholic movie director's death.(This is "off-the-charts" explicitly gross stuff, folks. There's absolutely nothing to the rumor that I was heard cackling with glee during this part).

Fearing she has no other options, Chris approaches Father Karras about performing an exorcism on Regan. Explaining that his experience with that sort of thing hasn't gone beyond a little table-side magic (and then daring Chris to pull his finger), Karras politely declines, convinced that Chris must surely be exaggerating. Calling his bluff, she invites him over to her house to see for himself. Calling her bluff, Karras heads on over. He soon finds out that Regan sure ain't bluffing, as she proceeds to toy with Karras's head with some really good voice impersonations, including a really good one of Karras's recently deceased mother. Finally, in an effort to reiterate a point, Regan pukes all over Karras in an array of colors that would make a peacock jealous.(I mean, seriously, we're looking at some big-time regurgitation, gang. You might want to watch that two or three times).

There are a few more scenes that we'll skip, because all they do is serve to reinforce the fact that Regan is the devil. I don't think they ever explained what happened to the housekeepers; although my guess is that after observing Regan's shenanigans for a while, they may have made a joint business decision to update their resumes and move on. (This would be a good time to restock on the popcorn, or maybe the Tums, given your particular level of gastric discomfort at the moment).

Anyway, remember the elderly priest from the beginning of the movie? Turns out he's the exorcism expert, and Karras summons him to serve an eviction notice on the squatter that now resides in Regan's body. When they show up to serve the papers, as it were, Regan flips out, apparently sensing that these two party crashers weren't here just to sample the cheese dip. She tries to scare them away by speaking in multiple languages, but for some inexplicable reason, that doesn't work. She then gets into Karras's head by using the old "imitate-you-dead-mother's-voice" trick (works every time), and Karras has to leave the room. When he returns, presumably equipped with earplugs, he finds the old priest dead on the floor, apparently from a heart attack. Regan, showing a complete lack of compassion, finds the whole thing pretty amusing and begins laughing. Karras takes her reaction as somewhat offensive and grabs Regan, and - I'm assuming he's speaking to the devil - shouts, "Take me..Take me!" Evidently, this strikes the right chord with the devil, and he starts to enter Karras's body. As soon as the transformation is complete, Karras becomes his old self just long enough to hurl himself - and the parasitic devil - through the (no time to open it, I guess) bedroom window and head-over-heels down the steps. As Karras lay dying, another priest happens by (where are we, anyway, the Vatican?) and administers last rites. Everyone say with me, all together now, "Bye-bye, Mr. Devil!" (I just love it when the devil gets his due, don't you)?

So, that's it, gang. I hope you find this review useful. I know that I'm a better person for having reviewed it. I just wish I could understand my new-found infatuation with vomit and Barry White music.

Oh yes...I almost forgot: The final rating! Has anybody been keeping a tally, or must I go back and crunch the numbers all over again? (Okay, hold on a second....)

There! The numbers are in, and I show 9 to just 3 , for a percentage of
75%. Loosely translated, that means...Absolutely Nothing!!! It's a great movie: You must see it!
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1989 Words