I Crack Under Pressure

I Crack Under Pressure

Even in my early childhood, I can remember strong physical reactions to too much excitement.  Visiting our cousins in Missouri was fantastic.  We had such good times that I will always treasure the memories.  The same was true for going on camping trips as members of the Boy Scouts, playing sports such as baseball, football and running track, and putting on a roof for a neighbor’s add-on porch.  As little kids and even as teenagers, these were thrilling moments that would build character as well as physical prowess despite an impending nervous tension. 

As hard as I trained for sporting events, my nerves could not withstand the pressures of game time.  I considered myself a failure athletically because I categorized my abilities as a practice player.  Likewise, I was such a nervous little kid that the camping trips, as much as we all looked forward to them, were another source of impending nervous tension for me.  I excelled at challenges put to me, though the happiness at being in the outdoors among my friends was squelched by worry and nerves. 

I can even remember becoming physically ill the day prior to a number of such exciting circumstances such that my participation came to an abrupt end.  I was devastated to be left out. 

As a teenager dying to participate in the dating scene, my nerves got the better of me again.  I couldn't even mingle with the girls as friends.  And, when it came to dating and intimacy, I was like a zombie.  Again, I could not get past the nervous tension associated with an active social life. 

In the working world, I learned to channel my nervousness into the job.  The first few that I performed were manual labor.  I worked with people who taught me the trade and treated me as an equal.  All I had to do was put my back into it and the results were awesome.  I still lacked social skills with my fellow employees, but at least I was feeling better about myself because I was good at getting things done.

Today, I am disabled and can no longer work for a living because being nervous all the time got the best of me.  I have managed to live within these limitations happily and productively.  Rehabilitation and recovery from this disability changed my outward behavior towards people and my inner feelings toward myself.  Reading and writing became my fortes propelling me forward into a creative lifestyle that has lasted for the past seven years. 

I believe in the idea that where there is a will there is a way.  I refused to give in to my tendency to crack under pressure.  With so many failings, at least in my eyes, I am most proud of the way I now handle stress and inhibition.  I simply let go of the negatives and cling to the positives.  It is really this simple.

                                                                            --  Pat Ryan  --