Before You Know it

Hayley strode down the hall with Sam’s fingers weaved into her hand. This was the day they had waited for. Today they would find out why they’d been unable to get pregnant and what they could do to change it.

As they rounded the last corner to the doctor’s office, a nervous fear settled into Hayley’s stomach. She’d been so certain that today would bring good news that she hadn’t even considered any other possibility. But what if the cause of their troubles was something more serious – something no doctor could fix?

Hayley fidgeted in her chair as the wait for the doctor’s arrival pulled along. Sam released her sweaty hand to raise it to his lips for a kiss. “No matter what happens, we’ll be okay,” he said.

“We’ll be okay”? Hayley thought. But I don’t want to just be okay! I want to be a totally happy family, loud kids and all!

“Hayley.” Sam was centering her. He’d always been able to tell right when a panic attack was on its way. Although, admittedly, it wouldn’t be hard for anyone to see it now. Even Hayley could hear the hard rasps of her breaths pushing themselves out too fast.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “Okay,” Hayley said. “I’m good.”

At that moment, the doctor walked through the door. Hayley noticed that he didn’t look at them once until he’d settled into his chair and adjusted his bowtie. Maybe he’s just playing a joke on us, thought Hayley. Maybe he’s about to give us awesome news and say, “Had you going for a second, didn’t I?”

Hayley waited for a grin to crack the rough planes of Dr. Johnson’s face. But it never did.

When Dr. Johnson finally looked up at them, he said in a deep voice, “Well, there’s no point beating around the bush, folks. I’ve got the test results here, and unfortunately, it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to bear children.”

Hayley had always appreciated her doctor’s candor and reluctance to “beat around the bush”, as he too frequently put it. But today, that candor punched a hole through her. He couldn’t possibly mean what it sounded like he meant, could he?

“But ... that can’t be right. Maybe they made a – ”

“They didn’t make a mistake, Hayley,” Dr. Johnson interrupted. “I’m sorry.”

Then Sam asked, “Doc, is there anything we can do? Anything else we can try? Anything at all, we’ll do it.” Sam’s question had become more of a statement of intent. In his way, he was letting Hayley know that he wouldn’t give up because he knew how much she wanted this. But Hayley didn’t want to hear his intentions. She wanted to hear that they were finally going to have children.

“Honestly, Sam,” said Dr. Johnson, “the best thing you guys can do now is to just stop trying. I’ve seen so many people beat the odds by just giving up.”

“Just ... giving ... up.” Even to Hayley, her words sounded foreign, like the meaning behind them was something she couldn’t comprehend.

Dr. Johnson gave her a worried look. “Yes. I know it sounds harsh, but ... you need to relax.”

Sam looked between the doctor and his wife before he said, “Hayley, maybe he’s right. Maybe we should worry about other stuff for a while. I mean, you never know what’ll happen. Maybe before we know it, we'll be chasing ten kids around.”

***

“Before you know it” never came. And Hayley would never forget it.